Life and Me!

Tue Feb 16:

Well … I did not wake up all muscley this morning – I’m so disappointed. I didn’t do my workout and I ate cake and ice cream all day. Why does it take longer to get in shape than it does to get out?

I had a good chat with my boss. I just blurted out that I felt like I was annoying everybody. Which he confirmed that I probably am. But it is a good thing – right now my role is “mom,” which he knows is not the role I want for myself, but there are things the organization needs to do and talk about and for now, I remind everyone of that. He used the analogy of reminding/getting teenage boys to clean their room which is annoying for them but necessary – And when they finally do clean their room, turns out they just threw everything in the closet (lol). I know that well. I am ok with playing that role but I also want to see results. I want to know that people’s behaviour/outlook is changing for the better of the organization.

I like to put dates on everything, and most times my dates are super aggressive which might force people out of their comfort zone, but change is uncomfortable – get used to it. Speaking of comfort zone … I think I do live to work! I still LOVE where I am and the people I work with. More than any other organization I’ve been at, I feel at home here. It’s where I’m most like myself because I don’t have to pretend and I don’t have to figure out social norms to maneuver my way around or know when to bite my tongue (which is painful and I may end up alienating myself because I don’t know how to “act” properly, or I don’t understand that there are things I shouldn’t say and sometimes my timing is all wrong, but I don’t realize it until after – smh.)

🎶 I’m just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood 🎶 – Nina Simone. I don’t know if she’s the original. Did you know that Ms. Simone was bipolar? What’s that saying about good intentions paving the road so you can have a faster, smoother ride into hell? Well it doesn’t matter, cause that’s not me! Thankfully! I used to wish I could read people’s minds but now I prefer not to. Do you know what micro expressions are? You can use them to read minds if you wish.

I took my pills at 4:00 pm – the earliest ever as per my psychiatrist instructions – then I slept from like 5:00 pm to almost 8:00 pm. At first, I had tonnes of energy, when I should be winding down for bed. I cooked pork belly in the air fryer and rice on the stove. Two hours later … all my energy is gone and I feel blah and my head hurts (probably cause of all the sugar I consumed). I wanted to do some arting but I don’t think that’s going to happen – I don’t feel creative. Maybe I’ll watch a horror movie and drink myself to sleep. I wish I had a rocking chair or a hammock.

The Dog Walker is still texting me. Why! Fuck! How come men don’t get it when you ignore them?

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