Mon Mar 29:
Hello Today 🙂
Last night for some reason I found myself eating alone. I think the kids were out or maybe I didn’t have dinner with them cause I wasn’t hungry yet or something. When I was eating, I wondered if I, when older, will sit and eat in front of the TV with one of those standing tray things. Maybe I won’t even cook anymore – I will buy TV Dinners, watch horror movies while I eat and snack on martinis and chips. Then wake up screaming cause of acid reflux and/or a movie induced nightmare. Aaaah it burns! 🎶 Lonely won’t leave me alone. Why tell me why, lonely won’t let me fall in love. 🎶 For the record, I am not lonely.
I am alright with eating alone in front of the TV once I’m not sitting in an easy chair while eating alone in front of the TV. If I ever tell you that I bought an easy chair, please stop by ASAP and put me out of my misery. I don’t want to be one of those people who fall asleep on the couch with the TV on instead of going to bed. My mom would sleep in the living room all the time, even before she got sick.
So Matt always wants a hug. I mean I like hugs too but he’s ridiculous (he might have BPD like me). Waysany, I told him he gets one hug a day. two max. Dee was like, “Oooh, you know it’s bad when mom’s rationing hugs.” lol. It’s crazy – wake up hug, go to bed hug and countless times in between. I don’t think it’s “normal” for teenage boys to want to hug their moms so often. He also hugs the shit out of his siblings, so he don’t need to be hugging me all the time too, especially non-consensual hugs. Don’t walk up to me with your arms out like you can’t talk – ask for a hug like a grown up. Don’t sneak up and hug me – I’ll sneak up and chop you in your throat as retaliation. Dee reminded me of Austin Powers when Doc Evil would spray Mini Me. So now … I gots me a spray bottle, for warding off unsolicited hugs – Already used it twice today. And I will also use it for when André comes and tries to talk to me in the middle of the day, like I ain’t got no job or something. Even when I leave my “In A Meeting” sign up on the door, dude still comes in.
“Mom? Are you actually in a meeting?”
It don’t matta muthafucka I’m working! I like that I do my focus work early, but sometimes that gets extended if I’m reading, working on something or trying to figure out how some shit works. OMG – My boys are teenagers, but I swear sometimes, it’s like I’m dealing with preschoolers. Even sometimes I can’t talk to you in peace. I might be making a sexist statement but it was so very different with Dee and I was in university. After our evening routine, she’d just chill out with her toys n shit and I could do my homework. If I had one of these boys, I would have had to drop out of school.
Even today – “Mom! Can you wash my hair for me?”
“Why André?” That’s what I said, but I was thinking, what the fuck I look like!
“I can’t do it myself properly.”
“Why not. That’s the whole reason why your hair is short.”
“I know. But can you do it for me?”
I stare at him … “FINE!!!!” That shit didn’t even phase him. If someone yelled FINE at me, I’d be like, “You know what; forget it.” I mean obviously the person don’t want to do what you’re asking them to do. Instead, the boy is oblivious …
“Thanks mom. Let me know when you’re ready.”
I’m ready for you to find a new place to live bitch!
Dee is cooking up a roast for dinner. I drew a bunch of noses and I’m sportin’ a ‘fro and an outfit made of eggs – I’ll show you tomorrow.
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