Life and Me!

Tue Jan 19:

🎶 I’m going off the rails; I’m a crazy train! 🎶 (Crazy Train – Ozzy). I think Ozzy was frontman for Black Sabbath at some point. Dee told me the other day that Jimi Hendrix used to play for the Isley Brothers – I had no idea. Do you have an all-time favourite classic rock band? I love most of them equally, except I never got into AC/DC, Kiss and The Who. As a child, I could never understand why some rock stars wore such tight pants. I was listening to Bob Dylan earlier, in case you’re wondering 🙂 

I have to start forcing myself to get out of bed even when I don’t feel like it, but I have no idea how to do this/that. My lows seem to be in the morning mostly and by late afternoon early evening, I’m high as kite! I am action and result oriented, but I can’t apply that “get up and go” attitude when I have these swings and I just lay there. I have:

  • High lows (This is when I’m stuck in bed. This feeling lasts maybe two hours tops and everything is awful and I want to cry but it doesn’t happen every morning)
  • Medium/low lows (I can move around and get work done but I’m always on the edge of a bawling episode – this lasts longer but doesn’t happen every day)
  • Super High highs (Euphoric)
  • Medium/low highs (Less Euphoric, but only slightly)

Usually, I am mostly high! I will take my Prozac tonight because I think my swings are getting worse and more intense. But I do still believe that Prozac affects my creativity negatively!

Image by David Mark from Pixabay

You know, there were many days when I called in sick because I didn’t want to leave the house, and working from home wasn’t something the organization supported. Even when I started at this company, my boss told me I was working from home a bit too much and I just couldn’t bring myself to say why. I would make excuses to coworkers about the weather or something with the kids. Now, I don’t have to claim a sick day or make excuses because I cannot bring myself to go outside. Thank you, COVID! 

But I’d still like to tell my boss because I feel like it’s this big thing that’s hanging over my head, and not just the anxiety but all the mental shit. And in the process of redesigning our organization I don’t want mental things to be something that’s not talked about or supported. And among all of that, I am still exceptionally productive – I have moments where I don’t sleep, and I can focus for several hours, sometimes more than 48 hrs (like I don’t realize I haven’t eaten, I don’t feel hungry, I don’t need breaks.) I don’t know if my uber productivity has anything to do with my mental state or if it’s a separate thing – How many mentalnesses do I have? ( I don’t want to use illness anymore, I don’t feel ill, especially during my HIGHS! I will come up with a better word than mentalnesses)

🎶 I’m special, so special. I gotta have some of your attention! 🎶 (Brass in Pocket – The Pretenders)

Between today and Thursday morning, I have to put together a draft presentation for our organization’s restructuring plans – I have no idea how to present that kind of information. Still, I am confident in my ability to figure it out, plus I can rely on feedback from my co-workers and boss. One thing we are not talking about as part of all this restructuring is corporate values – I think it is essential to pin these things down because they will help with hiring the right people – but that is just my opinion.    

I found a notebook with a few poems I wrote years ago, I will have to publish them. I am my own worst critic, and sometimes when I think my work sucks, others love it, and vice versa of course – so I will try my best not to censor and second-guess myself. 

January is almost over! I must get back into my early morning routine! That is the best time for me to do all my non-work stuff. I’ve been thinking about all the places I can go with this digital collaging stuff.

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