Life and Me!

Thu Feb 4:

Today I learned about Nathan “Nearest” Green; The first Black master distiller known. You can view a short video on his history. Black History Month doesn’t ever feel special to me, I don’t think it ever has, and I am not sure why!

I started writing a letter to my boss, as practice for what I want to say, but I got stuck after six words. And my head still hurts, and I have to make sure I’m not blowing this whole thing up and out – I also have to make sure I don’t implode (that would suck). Would you rather blow in/down or out/up? Either way, the amount of overall and collateral damage is the same. Maybe I’m making a missile crisis out of a molehill. Ugh! I still feel shitty, and this is supposed to be one of my high-high days 😦 (All-day, I just wanted to go back to bed – but I didn’t and I didn’t nap either). I mostly read my Product Roadmaps Relaunched book.

I wear an invisible flower crown every day but some days there are more thorns – that’s why my head hurts (Photo Credit: @SamanthaElisa via Twenty20)

Besides my inability to comprehend racism and hate, I also don’t understand greed and envy. I just don’t understand human beings – how can we be so forward and so backward at the same time.

Several years ago, when I was fifteen, maybe, I had a “friend” named Karen Valentine – She wasn’t a nice person or kind – of course, it took years and years and years for me to realize and process that. She would often yell at me for various infractions that I didn’t get, even in public, and I would just look at her (probably with a stupid, confused look because I just didn’t understand what the problem was).

One summer, we were supposed to go to a party, and her boyfriend decided he needed a shirt – I have no idea how I ended up going with him. I think maybe I was ready, and she was still getting dresses or something. Before leaving, me going with him to get this shirt wasn’t a big deal. Anyway – we jumped in his car and went to the mall, probably more than one. He looked in a few stores, and I guess that took a very long time (or at least longer than Karen expected). I don’t remember if he ended up buying a shirt or not, but she was soooooo angry at me because we took too long. At the time, I was confused. I remember her glaring and yelling – She probably would have killed me if the opportunity presented itself – that’s how angry she was.

I couldn’t understand why she was raging mad upset. I didn’t fully process that incident until late adulthood (maybe about ten years ago) – Isn’t that weird? But one day, it just dawned on me that she probably thought I did something with her man. I didn’t. I wouldn’t.

We didn’t end up going out that night, which I believe is exactly what her boyfriend wanted! And, of course, that probably never crossed Karen’s mind. She might be part of the reason why I never had a lot of girlfriends. Which suits me just fine – I can’t deal with woman drama. My single long time tried, and true friend is Sharon. She does more to keep our friendship going than I do – but she gets me and understands why I behave the way I do. (btw – she called me yesterday, and I didn’t answer.) I know other women, but we’re not close. I don’t think I can get close to women. I don’t think like them. I don’t think like a man either – I just think like Sam!

I sent my boss some info on Teams, and then he called me and asked me a question related to the article, and I was so confused. I think a bunch of foolishness came out of my mouth. Even though I knew the answer, I wasn’t prepared for the conversation. smh. FYI – I hate out of the blue conversations – that’s why dating is so difficult; I can’t prepare for a date. I stress about what he’s going to ask me, what we’re going to talk about – I’ll be my nerdy quiet self and probably turn him off with my silence and one-word answers (hi. yes. no. maybe. sometimes. really. interesting. ok. bye.)

I met with one of our board members today. He was checking in to see how things are coming along with OKRs and even though I prepared and had my discussion points and EVERYTHING – I was still nervous! But once the convo started, I relaxed. (Why can’t that happen on dates?) Do you think that you can get too old for a relationship – like you’re all set in your ways and accustomed to being alone, so anyone you meet just doesn’t fit into your life/style?

I hope whip cream is dairy-free! When I hope for things that aren’t real, they come true – That’s my superpower. I hope to meet a knight in shining armour. Literally! lol!

I’ve been wearing the same shirt all week! Still smells like it did on Monday so it’s cool! 🙂

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