Thu Feb 11:
“Baptized in the Funk!” – Da Brat. I been listening to mostly ’80s and ’90s music all day. You have to listen to the lyrics of Everything Remains Raw by Busta. “… Run up in your crib like my name was search warrants … right on your subconscious I leave my shit stain … sick lyrics like multiple sclerosis …” Right! I love his energy!
And while we’re talking hip hop – My all-time fave Em tune Rap God! Sick AF – he made the Guinness book for how fast he raps in this song! … Full a myself but still hungry. I bully myself cause I make me do what I put my mind to …” (the self-bullying hasn’t worked for me yet.). Em is one of the few guys I think looks better without a beard.
Well, this morning didn’t go according to plan. I woke up at 2:52 am, but was exhausted, so I didn’t get up and eventually fell asleep, thinking I’d sleep till four or five am. I woke up at eight. So I just went straight to work. (I didn’t brush my teeth, wash my face, shower, nothing! Bed to desk in one fell swoop.) You know I’m joking right?
Often I wake up between two to four am – I want to start my day like I did yesterday. I’ll keep working on it. I haven’t written about Jamie in months, and his story deserves its own post. I can’t find my damn character development grid. Grrrrrrrrr.
Self-reflection sucks sometimes cause you find out things about yourself you’d prefer not to know or admit to. I can be extremely needed at times – I know that’s my BPD, but then other times I want to be alone – which is not BPD. Weird right! This is why I think I have two brains – how else do I explain it? This is why I confuse my exes. I do a complete 180, back again, repeat – the story of my life.
People don’t get that. Especially my exes … cause you know, women always want to talk about feelings and their day ‘n’ shit. He’s talking, and I’m thinking, “I swear to God, if you don’t shut up, I’ll rip out your throat with my bare hands.” And if I say I don’t feel like talking, then something must be wrong with me. smh. ugh! Adjust your expectations according to where I am on the straight angle – solve for x bitch!
I think the reason I don’t feel like talking to friends and family is that I only have so much gas in my extroversion tank, and it gets used up at work. When work is done, my tank doesn’t even have fumes left and I just want to chill by myself, or with you in silence or with music or a movie – but I don’t want to talk. Shut the fuck up!
I have to replace all my pictures on POF cause my hair is gone – rebranding 🙂
palmsupward.com 
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