Life and Me!

Sun Apr 11:

Do you remember how I said I was done trying to figure out my moods – or maybe I was just thinking it and didn’t say it out loud. Anymoody, it came upon me today that … what if all this trying to figure out my moods is futile and there is no pattern; my brain scatters when it scatters, I’m hyper-focused when I’m hyper-focused and I’m over the moon with joy when I’m over the moon with joy and I’m under the ground with sadness when I’m depressed and about to cry for everything every minute and that’s just the way it is.

The feelings are less intense with Prozac but intense nonetheless. For a long time, I figured Mondays were my worst days and I think that’s still true but last Friday was pretty bad and today kinda sucks too. Bottomline – I am still cycling through many moods in one day and the moods affect how I think and my ability to concentrate – I feel like we’ve had this conversation many, many, several times before, I guess it’s coming up again now because I’m frustrated and otherwise disheartened, because if there really is no pattern, what am I supposed to do?

This scattering affects everything. I just always associated it with my inability to have a productive workday, but today, I couldn’t focus on cooking, I couldn’t remember what I was going to do from one moment to the next and the whole time I just wanted to go back to bed. If there is no pattern then this really majorly super sucks ass!!!! I have a plan though – If I get that “I’m about to feel shitty” feeling, I will run to the corner store and get a Red Bull – Hopefully I won’t have to drink three like the good ol’ days, but I’ll get three just in case 🙂 – Maybe I’ll get it today and just drink one first thing in the morning – Head it off at the pass; you know what I mean.

At the same time, this is who I’ve always been – I managed to navigate life for 47 years and I am happy with my success – Why have I taken on the daunting task of trying to put a pattern where, maybe there is none. I am grateful that I have the flexibility to work at all hours. I am grateful for an understanding boss and co-workers who I love and appreciate greatly. Really … the only other thing I need, is for the boys to get out already. Oh and a “eat whatever you want and always stay UFC Fighter Fit” pill. Oh and a Matrix Learning Machine. Yeah! That’s all I need.

Am I am victim – HELL to the NO!!! In my own ways I’ve learned how to navigate the waterways of my synaptic passages – I can do three point turns in tight spaces and parallel park without turning down the radio. Even if I get stuck, I don’t stay stuck and I don’t get stuck for very long. Half a day isn’t a long time – Maybe I have to find new ways of measuring my success – not just by output but outcome cause sometimes I can’t produce 100 widgets in a day but if I produce 50, or even 25 of the right type, and they end up leading to better outcomes for the organization in the long run then focus should be on the 50 or 25 right! I need to think about how I structure my work day, so I can consistently achieve greatness 🙂 Maybe I shouldn’t be working on less impactful crap, I’m not doing anyone any favours. Unproductive is still unproductive, but knowing that this less meaningful carp is out there is still going to bug me, maybe I can wrap it up faster and move on to figuring out where am I going to get the most bang for my work buck 🙂 (I promise myself to know by the end of the week!!!)

When people get cremated can they get the option to burn stuff too – like jewellery or toys, etc? When I die, I’d like to be buried, or burned, with my books, my animal pillows, my Red Bull, egg carton and cardboard box collections and any other things I happen to be collecting at the time and a photo of my Vans (my actual Vans will be in a shrine capsule somewhere).

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