RainbowFire - Journal Entries

Life and Meh – Q2ish

Wed May 5:

I’m an awful person! This girl that I used to be friends with, many several years ago, delivered my beyond meat burger from A&W. As soon as I saw the name and face, I recognized her and I immediately had this feeling of superiority. Like, “Haha. I’m better than you cause I don’t have to stoop to UBER to make ends meet.” In examining my feeling, I wondered why I felt that way. Another girlfriend of mine is an UBER driver and I don’t feel superior to her, nor do I feel superior to any other delivery people in any way. I appreciate their services, tip well and support them in their endeavours to achieve more. Despite all of that, here I am feeling extra good about myself. 

I figured I only felt that way because of how our relationship ended. She just stopped talking to me. I don’t know what I did to her and I didn’t bother to ask because at the time I was a hothead. “Fuck me!? Well, fuck you too!” I didn’t even think about asking why I just went about my life without her and I wondered if she was ever really my friend in the first place. Kinda like Karen. Aside from Sharon, I don’t feel confident labelling any other woman as truly “my friend.”

I thought about her poisoning my burger, causing me to examine the bag closely. As I ate, I thought about dying a horrible death and her getting the last laughter (my mind scares me sometimes). BUT I am self-aware (thank madness) and I know that it’s the people who are hardest to love that deserve my love the mostest bacause that helps me grow and become a better human string bean 🙂 . I wish I was a string bean – right now I’m a rotund bean. lol. Beany … … after setting myself straight, I said my usual thank you, selected Delivered with Care, Quick and Efficient and gave her a thumbs up. And she said thanks for the tip! 🙂

Dee thinks I need some time off work – she told me last night. She thinks I should get away to an AirBnB – just me. I like that idea. I’d stay in the city though. Maybe downtown somewhere. I got my therapy appointment but it’s not till Jun 1. Again … by 11 am I was feeling like a steamy pile of human remains garbage. ugh. I decided to have coffee, just in case maybe it will work this time (it didn’t). Lately, I feel I might be more low than high.  

When Dee was little, her grandparents would take her almost every weekend and I would take off to a hotel – I like being alone in different spaces and a hotel room was perfect – just big enough for me. You don’t need a lot of space when you have no one to get away from. Before I had Dee, I had a little bachelor pad at Church and Wellesley, just walking distance from Wellesley subway station. 

I forgot to share this with you earlier. It’s mental health week year-round for me and I still don’t know how to name all my feelings.

Good news – I learned about the five phases of a product’s life cycle, gathering market information to understand our ecosystem and the tools required to assemble a basic business model analysis for our product (which I’m sure we’ve done) but it’s wickedly exciting to learn somethings new. So far, I’m enjoying this chapter – it’s about all the due diligence you must do before even creating your roadmap. And NO – I do not want to be a product manager, but I need to know this stuff to get to where I am going.

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