Tue Jun 29:
I cried in terropy like a … hmmm. I was going to say like a dumb ass but instead … I cried like the Big Bad Ass that I am! lol. I’ve always hated crying but crying in front of someone – I’d rather be buried alive! the more I talk the more I realize how important this ferris wheel of emotions is – most of my life I’ve rejected the negative (non-acceptable) feeling for the socially acceptable ones. Happy and Angry are socially acceptable. Sad is not! I don’t know how acceptable guilt and shame are – I didn’t even know that shame was a part of me until today. I named my shame Douche in session but I think I will name my shame Karen – Karen Von Douche instead. Now my shame has a first and a last name.
I learned that we cannot pick and choose our emotions all of them are always with us – She said to think of your emotions as passengers on a bus and to think of shame as an uninvited guest that shows up anyway to a party I am hosting. Shame’s function when we are young is to protect us but as adults we have better mechanisms for coping, we first have to discover them and learn to use them.
She asked me if I have anybody to talk to about stuff in general, a support system – I don’t. I don’t think to pick up the phone and call anybody because talking about it (whatever it happens to be) makes it worse. You are the only one I talk to. Plus, telling someone what’s really, actually going on with me, makes me vulnerable (OMG! I finally know how to spell that word) and when you are vulnerable people can take advantage of you and hurt you too. Wow! Well – I have lots of work to do, because I don’t believe that I can have the kind of relationship I want without being vulnerable – I think on some level I’ve always know that but I’ve never truly opened myself to anyone! I wonder if that’s why lots of people keep showing up again and again on dating apps. Fix yourself first bitch!
It seems it’s about that time for me to start a new journal entry. This one is slowing down too. I might do one a month from now on. That may be ideal. Looks like we will get some relief from the heat – thunderstorming! I am going to create a knick-knack monster – I have lots of marbles and buttons in a short rectangular glass vase, or planter maybe , and they’ve been in there for years – I put them in a Ziplock bag yesterday, and put them in my prop container.
Do you remember the dust bunnies that lived under The Big Comfy Couch? Dee loved that show!