RainbowFire - Journal Entries

Life and Meh – Q2ish

Mon May 31:

I am Helper. Hear me Help! (lmao – André says I laugh too loud at my jokes – you can’t laugh like me cause you’re too mature to get it!)

I dreamed that I was contributing to greenhouse gasses by burning stuff I didn’t need anymore and I saw this transparent map of how what I burned sent all this CO2 into the air. After I saw the map, I was upset and wondered why I burned the stuff in the first place, instead of giving them away. Then I started crying because there was no way for me to undo what I did. Then I woke up and it was 12 something and I didn’t go back to sleep till after 2:00 am.

Friday afternoon I have to meet with André school people – I don’t know what they expect from me! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!! The Boy hasn’t changed and I have learned that there is nothing else I can say or do to make him behave in a responsible almost adult student manner. What’s left for us to discuss? If I were to die tomorrow – would I wonder if I could have done more for him? Perhaps but NO because I cannot undo what’s been done and I am not going to feel guilty – I did what I could with the knowledge I possessed at the time. AND … even if I alone couldn’t help him he was never alone. Since elementary school, social workers and the entire school system have rallied around him/us – do your part bitch! His 18th bday is in 34 days … Let the countdown to freedom begin – Ugh! Damn it – there’s still the other one!

Did I ever blame my parents for any of my issues, things I failed to do? Hmmm I don’t think so, plus I was on my own pretty young. I couldn’t wait to get away from my mom – and probably if I was living with my dad I would have had the same feeling. I am not a controlling parent and neither was my dad but my mom; everything had to be done her way, on her time – that may also be why I don’t like female bosses. I’ve never gotten along with any of them.

André is worried that I am not getting enough nutrients/vitamins. I bought omega -3 and I took some and I feel awful because even though I read the label for the ingredients, they mentioned the anchovy oil in the nutrient table, which I didn’t look at – I thought I was getting my O3s from soy. Assholes – well I just have to read more thoroughly next time and once I find my vegan brand I will stick with it. Back in the day, I used to use flax oil but I really don’t like the taste and I haven’t found any flax oil pills. FYI – more and more, Dee is cutting out animal products 🙂 I will give myself a pass on the fish oil mistake and not feel awful about it – lesson learned and I’ve only gone back to being vegan for about a month – I have lots to (re)learn.

I wonder what I am going to eat when I go out to restaurants – my favourite pastime. Most places have vegan options on their menu – otherwise I will have fries and alcohol; cause fries and alcohol are always on the menu.

Remember that cover letter I was supposed to write so I can participate in the shared economy ISO group – well, I still have nothing, except my passion! (heavy sigh). Dad’s been taking photos in Prospect Park – I will use them as feature images for my poems as he sends them.

Dee is cleaning out the fridge – I would like a fridge that opens like a book – you pull all the pages out at once and each page has multiple shelves on both sides and you can flip through the pages to see everything. Maybe the back of each page acts like the freezer OR maybe a few back pages is where you put freezer stuff OR each page has its own temp control dial. And when you’re done the pages fit together perfectly and you push them back into the fridge and close the door. That’s the only way to prevent things from getting pushed to the back of the fridge and forgotten.

I’ve solved my sketchbook flip up issue – I will use it sideways 🙂

Tomorrow is vaccine day 😭😨😬😩 … I feel sick.

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