RainbowFire - Journal Entries

Life and Meh – Q2ish

Tue Jun 01:

Well … the biggest news of the day; I got my Pfizer vaccine. On my way to the appointment, I had an unintentional conversation with my Uber driver.

“Samantha!”

“Yes.”

“Destination 1601 Bayview Avenue. Is that north or south of here?”

Dude. You don’t want me giving you directions. Just look at the map and figure that shit out for yourself. I don’t know. I’ve never been there before.”

“Oh. It’s south. It’s south.” 

We drive for a minute or two, then he starts talking to me again. 

“How are you?”

Instead of replying with the standard, I said, “I’m going for my COVID vaccine.” That response makes no sense. What does that have to do with “how are you?” – I was shaking my head inside my head right after it came out. You’re the one who doesn’t want to talk and you’re offering up this kind of info!!!

“Oh. I got mine two weeks ago. I don’t get my second one till September. Make sure you get the Pfizer. They’re a better company because they make Tylenol – I don’t know who Moderna is.”

“Ok.” Then my brain just spiralled out of control. Great! Now in addition to freaking out about the damn needle, I gotta worry about Pfizer vs Moderna. This is new. I thought they were the same. Are you a fuckin’ scientist? Were you in the lab? Shit, this is why I don’t like talking to people. Why you couldn’t keep your damn opinion to yourself? Suppose all they have is Moderna. Maybe I should go home.  

Worrying about what I was going to encounter at the pharmacy consumed me for the rest of the ride. smh. I get to the entrance of Shoppers and there is a sign posted outside – all they have left is Pfizer. All the info on Moderna was crossed out. Ah, relief! (this happens to me a lot – things just go my way. It’s like life keeps trying to show me that all the worrying I do is unnecessary). The appointment was over quickly. The nurse lady was nice. AND all the energy I spent worrying about the damn needle was also unwarranted. It was over faster than I could close my eyes. 

I have to remember to wear my earbuds – they act as conversation deterrents.

The second-best news – booking my therapy appointment was a fabulous idea. And I already have a few goals to work towards – proper sleep is one of them, and emotional control/tolerance and communication. She said the stuff I would learn in DBT she can start me on. She showed me this diagram called Window of Tolerance – you can Google it. I can’t find a quality image. 

Basically, the diagram illustrates that a lot of our stress responses can look like symptoms of the thing we were diagnosed with. So from a therapy standpoint, your ailment doesn’t matter because your responses fall into the fight/flight/freeze boxes and your goal is to stay in the yellow box in the middle and have that yellow box be as big as possible. (I hope I explained that right.) I see myself in those fight/flight/freeze boxes. I go back in two weeks. She is also going to send me techniques for self-soothing and she wants me to think about the things that could trigger the changes in my mood, which she said, can be difficult to do – usually, it is easy for us to recognize the emotion once it comes but we don’t think about or are unable to recall what could have triggered it.

She wanted me to come weekly – I told her I’d love to but my pocket cannot afford it. If I were filthy rich (why are uber-rich people filthy? why is money dirty?) I would make sure access to therapy was free for everyone and these crazy waitlists for mental healthcare would be no more. I have no idea how I’d do it but I don’t need to know, I just need to know trustworthy people who know. 

I used to laugh at my friend for needing therapy but it is helpful. I don’t know about this whole emotion thing – I feel the way I feel because of who I am, if I was someone else then some things wouldn’t affect me right? Or maybe the point is not to control how you feel but to control how you act/react to the feeling?

It’s June One and I didn’t start Blimey yet!

I have a lot of work to do this week – It’s one thing, but it’s a big thing and I want to get it right.

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