RainbowFire - Journal Entries

Life and Meh – Q2ish

Thu May 13:

… so I just slapped him in the back of his head and ran away.

Oh. Hello. Sorry about yesterday. I had a killer headache and I felt nauseous. What a day for it to happen – I missed out on our social event at work 😦 Aside from a headache ruling my life nothing much else happened. I had to switch curtains with Dee cause hers are more blackout than mine – by 8:00 pm I felt better enough to move about but wore sunglasses around the house and stayed off of screens. By 11:00 pm I had tons of energy – I started an art project that I am excited to share with you. I was up late working on it. I will post it today – another one that won’t be well received I think – but it’s cool. You’re getting it all; the sweet, the loving, the kind, AND the deranged, twisted me.

I wore sunglasses for most of the day today too – just didn’t want to chance my headache coming back. Right now I’m a bit pissed off – I spoke to an old friend. The conversation was going well then he says, “This isn’t going to end up on your blog is it!?” WTF …

“What do you mean? How can you even think that I have no filter? My blog isn’t a gossip site or a revenge porn site or a laugh at other people’s expense site. My blog is about me and everything is from my PoV. I’m a private person, I have sense. I know what to say and what not to say; about others and myself! Asshole.” I didn’t tell him any of that.

My response was, “Of course not.” But now I am wondering who else might feel that way. Suppose people stop telling me things because they feel I am going to blab about it online? I barely have any friends already! Now I’m gonna be worried when I write! Great!!! Not Great!!! I hate how someone can say one little thing to me and it will affect me greatly and I will wonder all types of shit because of all the things I read into what they said! smh!!! For example:

Me: “Do you love me?”

Him: “Yes!”

Me: “What do you mean yes! That tells me nothing! Before you would say, ‘I love you like bees love to pollinate. Like mountain climbers love climbing mountains. Like brooks love to babble. Like flying birds love to fly. Like the moon loves the sky.’ What the fuck does ‘YES!’ mean!? If you don’t love me anymore you can just say so. JUST SAY IT!!! This relationship is over.”

That is why I am single today. I’m joking but I’m also kinda not. I’m using that example to show you how I can blow simple things out of proportion and then have a difficult time calming down. I’m like that with emails too. I’m like that with everything – but I think I can control myself better now. I can feel something so intensely only to realize later that it’s not even real and I just wasted my energy on foolishness. AND I still have a difficult time self-soothing.

I still have my journals from the 90s that I haven’t posted yet and probably won’t bother, but I will still post any creative writings from way back when, as I find them.

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