Journal

Journal Entry – Week of Aug 23

Sun Aug 23

Today, I decided to write a letter to my boss requesting a formal performance and compensation review. I am anxious about it. I feel like it will change our relationship somehow. But I know I am well within my right to request the reviews.

I wonder about how I should deliver the info. If I should say something first, then send the email. I wonder how it will be received – All these what-ifs floating around my head. When I was young, my dad used to say, “What’s the worse that can happen? If you can live with it, then go for it?” 

I plan to do my research on Glassdoor, Payscale and LinkedIn Salary. I will include a table with the range, median, bonuses and stock options based on my current role as Director of Project Management. 

Wish me luck! I feel sick.

I found about 15 different anthology horror movies on Prime. I added all of them to my watchlist.

Mon Aug 24

I think my dreams are keeping me awake. I don’t feel well-rested in the morning. Definitely, though, taking my meds at night is better than in the morning. I can get through the workday without going back to bed. Mostly. Now the nausea is worse, but the diarrhea is gone (knock on wood). Now I have to eat shortly after I wake up or the nausea will make me feel sicker and sicker.

I need a vacation. I think I will take a week off work at the end of September after the OKR workshops are done.

Tue Aug 25

All week, I’ve been having these vivid dreams. And I remember them better than usual. I think it might be the Prozac. After I had my cancer prevention surgeries, I was on oxy, and the colours in my dreams were so bright. These dreams aren’t like that, but I remember little details like shirt patterns and smells. I am more aware of how my feelings change throughout the dream, rather than just how I feel when I wake up.

I noticed that I am not eating as much as I used to as often as I used to. Is paranoia and anxiety kinda the same thing or one influences the other. Your anxiety can make you paranoid or your paranoia can give you anxiety? I’ve been reading about my BPD.

If you have borderline personality disorder (BPD), you probably feel like you’re on a rollercoaster—and not just because of your unstable emotions or relationships, but also the wavering sense of who you are. Your self-image, goals, and even your likes and dislikes may change frequently in ways that feel confusing and unclear.

People with BPD tend to be extremely sensitive. Some describe it as like having an exposed nerve ending. Small things can trigger intense reactions. And once upset, you have trouble calming down. It’s easy to understand how this emotional volatility and inability to self-soothe leads to relationship turmoil and impulsive—even reckless—behavior. When you’re in the throes of overwhelming emotions, you’re unable to think straight or stay grounded. You may say hurtful things or act out in dangerous or inappropriate ways that make you feel guilty or ashamed afterwards. It’s a painful cycle that can feel impossible to escape. But it’s not. There are effective BPD treatments and coping skills that can help you feel better and back in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious, long-lasting and complex mental health problem. People with BPD have difficulty regulating or handling their emotions or controlling their impulses. They are highly sensitive to what is going on around them and can react with intense emotions to small changes in their environment. People with BPD have been described as living with constant emotional pain, and the symptoms of BPD are a result of their efforts to cope with this pain.

It is very common for someone with BPD to have other mental health problems. These include: major or moderate to mild depression, substance use disorders, eating disorders, problem gambling, PTSD, social phobia and bipolar disorder. Sometimes it can be difficult to diagnose BPD because the symptoms of the co-occurring disorder mimic or hide the symptoms of BPD. Relapse in one disorder may trigger a relapse in the other disorder.

https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/mental-illness-and-addiction-index/borderline-personality-disorder

I feel like this is accurate – more accurate than just the bipolar that I was diagnosed with before. I still have to read about eating disorders and I am still trying to reconcile that with what I know of myself. This totally explains my short relationships, my sensitivity, my impulsivity. Maybe this is why I always felt/feel misunderstood.

I’m glad I stopped dating. Or well … I’m glad I stopped pre-dating.

Wed Aug 26

I look over the chaos below from my Black Hawk utility helicopter, I realize there’s nowhere for me to land – I swerve to dodge a torpedo.   

lol – that sentence makes no sense. I think torpedos are for naval battles not air strikes? I should know better. I’ve always fantasized about flying. A Cessna, a helicopter, a fighter jet. Like in Top Gun (1986) – A movie I’ve never seen. (unbelievable, right? I know.)  

In my quest to find an HD version of P90X, I found this free app, FitOn. I canceled my gym membership at Equinox. I miss the steam room but I have no reason to go downtown so it didn’t make sense. I don’t see myself leaving the house just to go to the gym. Every time André and I walk over to the community center to check out the weight room, the place is closed. This time there was a note on the door Customer service rep in the washroom. Be right back. (S)he never came back. We waited for like 15 minutes, making up stories about other dimensions, creatures you may encounter in a community center bathroom. Killers stalking the halls. All the possible reasons why it is taking so long for this person to get back from the washroom. WTH man! In the end, we figured she or he, probably just forgot to remove the sign before leaving for the day. We walk to the school and play handball.

Once a week, I meet with André and his therapist. This week was a surprise, because André doesn’t want to continue his sessions. By the end of it though, he decided to continue but only if he can ask the therapist one questions about himself. Apparently my son doesn’t like how one sided a patient-therapist relationship is. Now that he will also get to learn more about his therapist he’s agreed to continue. I’m glad, because he needs those sessions.

Thu Aug 27

I think I told you about the wasps that are attacking my beautiful potato plant. I tried soapy water with lemon juice. That didn’t work. Then I read about a combo of clove, lemongrass and geranium oils. That’s not working either. André and Dee think I should bring the plant inside, but a spider lives in there now. You know what they say about inviting spiders into your home? It’s the same as inviting a vampire. They can roam about, coming and going as they like without your permission. 

I think I will leave it outside and plant again next spring. It is time for me to transfer my avocado plant to soil. 

Fri Aug 28

As I work individually with the executive team on their OKRs, I realize that some fundamental issues must be addressed. I don’t waste too much time thinking about them. It’s Friday after all. 

I’m done drafting my performance and compensation review email. First thing Monday morning, I’m gonna send it. And I am still nervous 😦

My daughter returned from her trip to the cottage. I’m excited because I found two movies for us to watch: Rubber (2010) – a killer car tire with psychic powers, and Killer Clowns from Outer Space (1988) – the title tells you everything you need to know. I tell them these are classic must-watch movies; years later, you will have fond memories of where you were and who you were with when you watched them. My daughter looks at me funny. I’m like, “Seriously. You know when you go to a concert or a special event, it’s the same kind of experience when you watch a classic.”

We played two rounds of Clue, the board game. I tell them about the movie Clue (1985), another must-watch. Put it on your list!

Chadwick Boseman, the legendary Black Panther, died today of colon cancer. He was only 43. If you haven’t seen 21 Bridges (2019), you should watch it. When I saw that movie, he looked so skinny, but I figured it was for the role.

Sat Aug 29

I woke up from an awful dream … I went out with my girlfriend, Marlene. We took a long bus ride, transferring multiple times until we finally got to a building (upon waking I remember “38 Spadina.” I think that was the building address.) 

We walk up several flights of stairs and get to this enormous apartment. Think of old apartment units in New York. Multiple people live in the apartment. In my dream, I thought they were roommates. I remember feeling comfortable and liking the place. Just off to the right of the entryway is a large square shaped kitchen, with a big dining table in the middle.

The guy, Marlene’s friend who greeted us at the door, gives us a tour of the place. It’s shaped like a horseshoe, or U, with all the sleeping and living rooms making up the U shape. On the inside of the U, there is a giant column that helps support the unit, I guess. 

Around the column, there are tables with different things on them. Similar to a community space/wallboard. There were two tables, on either side of the column, with four fish tanks in a semicircle, some had fish, and some were empty. I asked about the empty ones because they had miniature action figures and furniture in them. I enquire, and our tour guide says it’s just a fun thing that the roommates do. People will reposition the models at random. 

After the tour, we hang out in one of the living rooms, watching TV, talking and drinking. There’s me, Marlene, the tour guide and two or three other guys. I only know Marlene, and the guys are Marlene’s friends. And for some reason, my daughter is there, but she’s a toddler. Now, I don’t remember her being there on the long bus ride or as part of the tour. I become aware of my daughter when I am ready to leave. 

The conversation turns to opioids, and we talk about the opioid crisis and use of them. Two of the guys pull out some drugs. I can’t remember what they were, but I decide that I am ready to leave while they are talking about taking them. Marlene says it’s late, and she will spend the night and go in the morning. I find it curious that Marlene thinks it’s late because the sunlight is beaming through the windows, but I figure she likes one of the guys and wants to stay.

I don’t remember if I decided to leave my daughter with Marlene because it was late, or if Marlene convinced me that she should stay for the same reason. (even though this is a dream, I feel horrible for leaving my daughter behind).

I head out, and now the lobby looks like a hotel lobby. I realize that I don’t know how to get home. I ask the woman at the desk, but she doesn’t seem to understand my question. I end up standing at the bus stop down the street from the building. The bus is packed (pre-COVID dream). After making the first transfer, I call Marlene.

One of the guys answers her phone, and I ask to speak to Marlene. 

“She’s not here.”

“She’s not there?” I wonder why she would leave her phone behind. Then, I hear someone in the background say, “Tell her she’s not available right now.” Before the guy on the phone could relay the message, I say,

“What do you mean she’s not available?”

“Where’s my daughter?”

“Put Marlene on the phone!”

No answer. He didn’t hang up, but there’s just silence on the other end. My mind is swirling; the motion of the bus is making me sick. This can’t be happening. Should I call the police, an Uber? I need to get back there now! Why did I leave her? I wonder if I can even get back to the building, realizing that I don’t know the building address or the unit number.

Then I wake up in a haze – for what felt like several minutes, I’m laying there, and it feels like my dream is continuing because I am still trying to figure out how I am going to get back to the apartment and I feel like shit for leaving my daughter behind. 

Later in the day we played Yahtzee, Scattergories then Monopoly. I wish we had the Game of Life. And we ended the night with Rubber (2010) 🙂

Do you ever find yourself wondering where all the cowboys have gone? Me neither.

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