RainbowFire - Journal Entries

July 2021

Sat Jul 24:

I found something I wrote circa 2015-2017 it could have been earlier/sooner/before, I didn’t always put dates on things – I don’t know what was going on with me at the time but I think it was when I wanted to become a nurse because I was disillusioned for some reason.

I cannot find my voice
because I don't know who I am

I cannot feel
because I don't know what to feel for

I cannot feel enough
Sometimes I feel too much and it hurts

No one knows how much


Let's face it
You're a phony
a fraud
a con-artist
Believing the lies that lull you to bed at night
Cradling you in their arms in the morning
Swirling about you like a comfy blanket during the day
Protecting you as you go about solving others' problems

Pretending to know
Pretending to care
Pretending to feel
Pretending to pretend

Do you even know who you are ... Really?
I've fallen in love with the manic me

All that negative self-talk over the years, maybe is the reason I long for positivity now. And this is before I was diagnosed with BPD. The negative stuff is still there, but not as frequent – and how I feel about myself when I look in the mirror changes but I am better able to handle it. Likely it’s because of Prozac but I’d like to think that it isn’t, I’ve grown out of it somehow (another lie?).I don’t feel sad when I come across things like this, it was a moment of many moments that also included good stuff.

Did I ever tell you about my obsession with cigars? For a while I smoked cigars. I just loved them. I still have my empty tin of Guantanamera minis and Romeo Y Julieta … the others got lost with my many moves. Or I might have thrown them away when I though I was over it. I have a feeling I loved the tins/presentation more than the cigar. Hmmm … I might start my collection again. My mom used to collect lighters. (I think I told you).

A manager’s achievements are measured through the achievements of others. Employees who excel in one aspect of a business are often promoted to supervisory positions. This is often a mistake, as the skills required to be a manager may be unrelated to his or her abilities or interests.

A top lab researcher promoted to a supervisor, for example, has to coach, mentor, manage and help other researchers make discoveries. If the manager is poor at these new duties, the problem will be compounded: not only will the department be poorly managed, it will no longer have the best researcher making discoveries on the bench.

Management is its own area of expertise, distinct in many ways from the activities being managed. In very large organizations, top-level managers and administrators often lack expertise in the work being done, but are able to create circumstances that allow those under them to thrive.

Thing # 45 of 101 Things I Learned in Business School

I used to manage people and it’s not for me. Coaching and mentoring is fine but that all the other stuff that comes along with being a manager. Forget it! I go to work to escape from my children; now I have children at work! Ewwwwww. Don’t expect me to not go postal. And then you know, I get those looks … “You’re a Black woman! What could you possibly know!” Come over here and I’ll show you bitch.

Make sure you tell people how you feel about them, the good and great stuff, before you lose the opportunity to – that includes the things you tell yourself.

I went back to basics with my art today. Mainly reviewing perspective and remembering that everything can be broken into the five basic shapes – I working on drawing a condor by first breaking it down. Often times I forget to do this and I believe that is why it can feel overwhelming sometimes. What prompted me to go back to basics you ask … my butcher drawing felt flat so until the basics stick I will continue to review as required.

Breaking down my Watchbird into basic shapes first
Reference for the Watchbird above

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