RainbowFire - Journal Entries

July 2021

Thu Jul 08:

I’ve been listening to Tool all day but Sober was on repeat in the afternoon (I love all their creepy videos). Got kudos from my boss for a job well done on the Roadmap presentation (big smile, big smile. thank you, thank you.)

Reverence is officially on Vocal. 🙂 I feel good about that but, what does all of it mean? What are my criteria for posting poems there too? I might take my favs and most liked and post them there. WordPress will continue to be my baby 🙂 Yesterday I got into an argument with Matt just before I went to bed; I reminded him that he must stop gaming at midnight. 

The night before, I had to get out of bed to tell him to keep it down. I ended up yelling at him because he didn’t get where I was coming from. He accused me of not listening but, I said, “I don’t care if you aren’t noisy most of the time; it only takes one loud moment to wake me up and I have to work in the morning.” Then I walked away. 

At first, my stubborn self didn’t want to apologize for yelling and walking away (essentially losing control and being rude). And I give myself reasons for not apologizing:

  1. This isn’t the first time we’ve had this conversation
  2. I am tired
  3. I am frustrated
  4. Parents don’t apologize to their children (old school thinking)
  5. If I say sorry I’m gonna look like a punk (heavy sigh)

Then I fell into a fitful sleep and was up again at 2:20 am. By 4:30 am I left my bed to search for him. He’s cooking rice. AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING! I pushed that aside and apologized. 

Why are my thoughts automatically negative and sometimes illogical when I spiral? Perhaps that is the nature of spiralling.

Vicarious is on repeat now – good night

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