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Case No. PS-23-001
IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF REPRODUCIBLE RESULTS
COUNTY OF THE SCIENTIFIC METHOD
FORMER BELIEVERS, individually and on behalf
of all others similarly situated,
Plaintiffs,
v.
GOD, a.k.a. THE ALMIGHTY,
YAHWEH, LORD OF HOSTS, et al.,
Defendants.
___________________________________________
CLASS ACTION COMPLAINT
DEMAND FOR JURY TRIAL (and JUSTICE)
NATURE OF THE ACTION
Plaintiffs bring this action against Defendants for prolonged non-responsiveness to repeated outreach attempts (“prayers”), and the related harms resulting therefrom, including:
- Failure to communicate,
- Failure to shepherd,
- Failure to provide:
- peace (deliverance from evil, in all its forms, and deterrents from temptations),
- safety and security,
- green pastures,
- daily bread.
JURISDICTION & VENUE
1 – This Court has jurisdiction over this matter pursuant to general principles of common sense and shared human experience.
2 – Venue is proper in this Court because the events giving rise to these claims have occurred universally.
FACTUAL ALLEGATIONS
3 – Plaintiffs are individuals who, at all relevant times, engaged in reasonable and repeated communication attempts with Defendant as outlined in the Bible, but still weren’t provided for as outlined in the Nature of the Action section above.
4 – Plaintiffs are people who love God and their neighbours, near and far, as much as they love themselves, family and friends. However, Plaintiffs have noticed God’s favouritism towards Trump, Donald J., and other such types despite their ██████████ [REDACTED PURSUANT TO DIVINE PRIVILEGE] (although Plaintiffs recognize racism and misogyny are permitted in the Bible [STRICKEN FROM RECORD PURSUANT TO MOTION BY DEFENDANT’S COUNSEL], they hoped that God of the Old Testament has changed; He just hasn’t released a sanitized version of the Bible for the 21St Century and beyond yet).
5 – Plaintiffs have also noticed God’s favouritism towards rappers in Cent, 50’s Many Men and West, Kanye’s Jesus Walks.
6 – Defendant, GOD, is an entity of unknown origin, operating without a known physical address, and conducting business globally.
CAUSES OF ACTION
COUNT I: Breach of Divine Fiduciary Duty
(Psalm 23 v1: “I shall not want” and Psalm 91 v15: “He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him.”)
COUNT II: Ghosting
PRAYER FOR RELIEF
7 – Plaintiffs demand regional wheelchair-accessible addresses, a toll-free worldwide 24/7/363 helpdesk and a WhatsApp profile, an X (formerly known as Twitter), Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram accounts. This should not be a problem to provide since God is Omnipotent (All-powerful), Omniscient (All-knowing) and Omnipresent (All-present).
8 – Images of God, so they can say “hello!” if they bump into Him on the street. Plaintiffs recognize that God is busy, so they won’t ask for anything during these “random” encounters.
9 – Defendant pays for all plaintiffs’ attorney fees, court costs, travel, accommodations and roaming fees.
This is the piece I submitted to McSweeney’s. They turned it down this morning. I thought I’d be disappointed, heartbroken even but I feel fine. And it’s here sooner for your reading pleasure. Yay!!!
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