Journal Entry – Tue Oct 20

You should read Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse.

I am paranoid about meeting people online. Whenever I meet a guy, and he is in a rush for me to be his girlfriend or to meet my children, my 3F alarm goes off, and I take flight. There are other things you shouldn’t do. For example, don’t invite yourself over for dinner, don’t ask me what’s for dinner, don’t ask me when I will cook for you. Don’t fuckin’ ask me none of that shit! My sister always laughs at me when I get angry about that stuff, but it really bugs me, and it’s a huge turnoff. Even if I did like you, soon as that talk comes out of your mouth, we’re finished! Cause all I see is red. 

If you say something like, let’s plan a meal and go shopping and cook together or offer to cook for me (I never ask) – I’m down. But don’t you make it my job. Ok, I’m done ranting – let me get to the real story.

I’m minding my business playing Scrabble – Ever now and then, I might send a message to my opponent. For example, “Great word!” or “Nice play!” or they make a comment like, “Guess who’s gonna win this one.” and I “lol :)” in reply. Most times, when I send messages like “Great word!” or “Nice play!” and my opponent doesn’t respond with a “thank you.” or a “:)” I wonder why. But just because I expect a response doesn’t mean I am entitled to one, and based on my recent experience, I think I know why people don’t reply. They don’t respond because they don’t want to start a conversation!

A few days ago, I started a game with a guy named Carl, and he sent me a message asking if I am male or female. Curious and wondering why that matters, I reply, “Female, why does it matter?” Sometimes, in retrospect, I feel so naive. 

He goes on to tell me why he doesn’t like playing with women (I can’t remember). I laugh (cause I laugh at everything). The text continues with him introducing himself, telling me where he lives, what he does and asking where I am, if I’m married and have children. After telling him I’m in Canada, I say,

“Is Words w/ Friends your dating app :)”

He tells me he isn’t looking for a partner and something about making friends, blah, blah. So I think, “Alright! What harm can come of this?” And I answer myself, “None!”

We played a total of three games over a few days, and by the time we get to the last game, he’s asked me for my phone number, and he updated his pic and asked me why I didn’t have a picture of myself … at one point, he tells me he doesn’t care what I look like. I thought to myself, “This doesn’t sound right. Everyone cares about looks, or maybe that’s just a North American construct.” Personally, I cannot have a relationship with someone I am not physically attracted to, even if I am a sapiosexual. Your smarts will attract me first but in order to go further …

BTW – I am already tired of telling you this story – I feel like we should be sitting in a restaurant with loud music and ambient noise while I dish. Me with my Grey Goose martini and you, with your peach bellini. But since we can’t, next time, I will tell you stuff like this as it happens. Although! At the time, it really wasn’t a big deal.

So, I tell him I am not giving him my phone number or any personal info, and if he wants to talk outside of the app, we can use Skype or something. He gives me his email address, and we agree to use Hangouts.

I think, “VPN? Check! Two-factor authentication? Check!” Then I download Hangouts and give him my email address. He sends me another photo pretty quickly, and I send him one of me 🙂 And of course, I get a bunch of compliments. Naturally 🙂 “Thank you.” “Thank you.” 

He was cute too, but I had to maintain my composure. And a small part of me was wondering if that’s really him cause I remembered this true crime story. Anyway, things start off great in Hangouts for like the first hour. Then he just flips and starts asking me to be his girlfriend. (WTF) Red alert! Red alert!

I tell him we don’t know each other, and I believe I asked him, “Why the rush!?” At this point, we’ve “known” each other for a week (five maybe six days, definitely not seven). I tell him we haven’t even spoken to each other or done a video call – NOTHING but texting, and you want me to be your girlfriend!!!

He asks to voice-call me – fine but … (sigh – smh). This is the best part of the story because hearing his voice doesn’t help. He sounds mechanical. I could have been talking to Stephen Hawkings – and as smart as Hawkings was, I never found him to be physically attractive.

We get off the phone, and I’m confused. He then sends me a text asking for more pics, and he’s still on this whole “be my girlfriend” shit. I think, “Dude. I thought you said you weren’t looking for a partner. AND WE DON’T EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER. AND WHAT IS UP WITH YOUR VOICE! Am I in the Twilight Zone?” 

The last thing I said to him, “Your eagerness is making me nervous.” Then I turned off my Hangouts notifications. And let’s hope that’s that!


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