Today and yesterday, and so many days before, I know I am not myself. Who have I become? Who am I becoming? Who did I want to be? Who did I want to be? Yuki sat up, swung her feet off the bed and onto the floor. Slippers waiting.
Sun intruding. Why can’t the birds start chirping after I wake up? She stretches, then stands. Turning to look at her husband Bruce, she winces. Look at this imbecile! It’s been seven years; I don’t want to do this anymore. Why can’t the kids ever get through an entire night without coming into my bed? Who did I want to be?
In the bathroom, the internal conversation and barrage of questions continue. I know exactly what’s going to happen today, and exactly when and exactly how. Yesterday is the same as today, is the same as tomorrow.
Brushing her teeth. What’s it going to take to be different? He’s a fat, workaholic slob. I can’t stand to look at him. He doesn’t even have the energy for sex or a stimulating conversation. Who did I want to be?
Making her way downstairs. Mom told me I should do all I can to make this work. Is he doing all he can!? Feeling the weight of the world as she fills the kettle. I don’t want to be a wife or a mother or a homemaker. Who have I become? Who am I becoming? Who did I want to be?
Crying. Gathering ingredients for breakfast. Eggs, bacon, onions, green and red peppers, mushrooms. I need to sleep for two days straight, maybe three. No kids, no slob. No pet rabbit, red ear sliders or geckos. Shuddering. It was his idea to get them, now it’s my responsibility to take care of them. They should be taking care of their own goddamn pets. Who did I want to be?
Cutting board. Frying pan. When I die, what will they say about me? Boring shit, that’s what. Yuki was a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter. So what! Who did I want to be?
Footsteps. “Good morning babe.” Bruce plants a kiss on her forehead. “With the sun and the birds and the kids, so much for sleeping in.” He laughs. Lifts the kettle and pours the water into the teapot. Smiling, he looks at his wife and says, “Need help?”
Yuki replies, “There’s something I want you to do.”