It started on Christmas Eve 2019. I got into a fight with my son and it was awful – I called the non-emergency police. After that incident, I didn’t even want to have Christmas with my family. I was angry, hurt and angry. I was thinking “Eff it, I should just take off, rent a room and stay away until the New Year.”
I just wanted to leave. But I didn’t. I smiled through Christmas Day – although I mostly ignored my son. Smiled through boxing day – even played board games with the Fam. Smiled through my B-day – but I didn’t got to the dinner my daughter had planned for me – I just couldn’t eat with them and pretend that everything was well, ESPECIALLY NOT ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! They were disappointed but I didn’t care and I stayed home alone getting caught up on my Asian horror flicks.
Fast forward two weeks and I’m back to work, feeling like crap. Can’t concentrate. Yawning all the time. Can’t remember anything. Can’t be my usual insensitive self. Can’t hold back the urge to cry. I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread and the thread is unraveling, quick! Finally. The last straw came after a meeting – my co-worker was being his usual annoying self but by the time I got back to my desk, my other co-worker Jer asked me “You ok?”
… That’s all it took. The tears were falling. (Even now, as I write, I’m teary.) “Do you want to go out for lunch” I manage a nod. On the inside I was screaming “What are you doing!!! You NEVER cry at work!!! You’re failing the one corporate rule ALL women MUST adhere to! God! You’re weak. Such a loser. I’m so disappointed in you!”
I cried in the elevator. I cried at the lunch table. I told Jer what happened over the holidays. And I realized that it actually felt really good to talk to someone. I never talk. I vent, I yell. I file it away. Anger and happiness are my closest relatives. Other emotions are distant cousins – Hmmmm, I don’t even know if I can name them all (an exercise for another time). After my lunch with Jer I decided to find a therapist.
Funny thing … I have friends who have therapist. I would always make fun of them. Now here I am; searching for a therapist. Two weeks post lunch, I had my very first therapy appointment booked. Just a few subway stops away from work. Awesome!
While I counted down the days to my therapy appointment, I was feeling all kinds of feelings (I think I was anxious and afraid). I wondered if I made the right decision. I thought about the lessons I’d learned growing up:
- Crying is a sign of weakness
- You never, ever talk about your problems (with family, friends or worse of all, strangers)
- Anger is ok – you can feel it, you can express it
By now, while I waited for my appointment, the thread had snapped and I was on the verge of crying ALL the time; about everything. The night before my appointment I remembered I had to fill out a questionnaire. “Ugh! 344 questions!? Really!?” But it was quick.
I will tell you about the actual appointment and the details of my Christmas Eve fiascos soon. iSleepy.
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