I always say I am going to write everyday. I got a book called Embrace Your Weird. I’m working from home today, minding my business, writing meeting notes with Paranormal Activity playing in the background. Then the urge to write approached me and said “Take a break. This is important work too.”
So … I got a thirty minute free session because for my first appointment dude was late. Transit broke – I actually heard about it on my way to the appointment. Getting things for free is fun, even especially a therapy session at 100$.
My first appointment was on Jan 22 and second (free one) was on Jan 28. It’s Feb 11 today, bear (not bare, which was my first choice) with me while I try to recollect. My memory has been bad since I can remember. Recently got my DNA results from 23andMe, says I’m slightly predisposed to Late-Onset Alzheimer’s Disease – I have one copy of the APOE gene. I been dealing with memory loss my whole life. I forget where I put things, I forget names, I forget events, so whatever (One Art, NOT Lost Art, by Elizabeth Bishop is my favorite poem). The Fly is playing in the background.
Jason (I think that may be his actual name) offered me water. When we got to the room he asked me how I was doing. I was still feeling bad, but not as bad as the week before. I told him about the spontaneous bursts of salty liquid from my eyes. For no reason, out of nowhere, water works. Embarrassing when on the subway or interacting with co-workers. Imagine yourself in a meeting or a 1:1 interaction and you start crying – I’d try to play it off like, “Oh I’m good, some debris flew into both eyes.” Sometimes the feeling of sadness was so overwhelming, so all encompassing, so never ending …
“Do you know what bi-polar is?”
I thought “Ugh! Everybody and their grandmother is bi-polar these days. It’s like the new ADHD. That idiot Kanye is supposed to be bi-polar. I don’t want to be bi-polar. That’s not special. I’m special damn it! (fists pounding on imaginary table).”
“Yes. I’ve heard of it” Jason went on to explain the highs and lows of bi-polar and told me to get a referral from my doctor to CAMH. Thank goodness the session was free.
My boss and my one co-worker who took me out to lunch when this all started have been really supportive. I hope others are fortunate to have a good support system – They know more about what I’m going through than my family. How can I be more comfortable talking to them? I’ll figure it out. I think Jeff Goldblum can play the piano in real life.