Journal

Journal Entry – Week of Aug 30

Sun Aug 30:

Sometimes I don’t feel like showering. I think if I lived alone and didn’t work, I wouldn’t take care of myself. I would devolve into a blob of smelliness. 

Matt’s demanding 20$ per grocery store runs now. Thank God for Instacart. I remember when he was a baby, he was much less demanding. I remember when he used to love washing the dishes and would offer to do my laundry for free. SIGH!

Washed my hair. We are out of toilet paper and bath soap. Of course, I did not realize this before hopping into the shower. I used shampoo on my skin and wondered why I need different soaps for different body parts. 

It might be a ploy to make me spend more money. Don’t babies only have one soap for everything? I don’t remember buying a body wash and a shampoo for my children. It’s a conspiracy.

The other day I bought pickled napa cabbage – Chinese version, not kimchi. I also bought fried bread – Chinese donut (that’s what the package said, not me) Hmmm … I feel like I might have told you this before. 

Anyway. The pickled cabbage came in a vacuum-sealed plastic package. I opened it, and it didn’t smell very good and tasted artificial. I couldn’t eat it. As for the Chinese donut, it was rubbery. I waste a lot of money on trying new things. But I think it is alright.

The boy, Matt, was about to throw away the peanut butter – I catch him in the act and check the jar. WTF.

“Matt, there’s enough left to make 2-3 sandwiches!”

 He tells me it’s hard to get the peanut butter out.

“Seriously!”

Now I’m suspicious of anything they throw away. I mean, I’m not going to rummage through our garbage before it goes out the door, but I wonder how much we waste on food. Food that spoils, the food we don’t eat (like the peanut butter), new foods I try and throw out because it’s an acquired taste.

If I do end up rummaging through the garbage, I will shower after.

I was a weird, quiet kid. My grandmother would allow me to eat my food under the table. I’d sit on the floor and put my bowl on the chair. I think I am telling you this because I’ve been reflecting on my life.

I wonder how many people may have a mental illness and not even know it. Your normal is your normal, right? How are you supposed to know that it’s not? My meltdown led me to my doctor. 

A few years back, maybe in 2015, I was crying uncontrollably. On the subway, for no reason, I would tear up. Or at work, but I didn’t know why. I chalked it up to general frustration because I’m bored with my job. Maybe I thought it was stress from overworking. Then my friend Marlene said something like,

“Do you realize that you are always excited when you start a new job, or relationship but quickly become disillusioned?”

“What!? You’re retarded!”

“You do it all the time … You meet a new guy; you’re all excited. He’s the best thing ever, and you’re so sure about everything, then a few weeks or months later, you can’t stand him.”

That convo started my journey that eventually led to BPD. I think my doctor initially thought it was work stress too. I was a wreck for a few months (multiple times a year I’m having these sometimes big, sometimes mini meltdowns, I realized later)

Five years to what may be my final, official diagnosis. They say psychiatry is more of an art than a science.

I thought I was eating less but that may not be true. Or. I don’t know. The only eating disorders I am aware of are anorexia and bulimia. I don’t throw up or purge after I eat. What kind of eating disorder do I have? Frustrating! 

I would like to get my hands on the actual letter the psychiatrist wrote to my doctor. I had some wine and edibles today. Am I a functioning alcoholic? My right eye is burning. Assuming we all have our own personal Deity, what would you talk to him about? What do you think you’d need?


Dear Personal Jesus:

I’d like my boys to always clean up after themselves, eat less, and may they never forget to wear deodorant. And I hope that we never run out of household essentials ever again.

With love! Sam


Dear Personal Jesus:

I need a Rolls Royce Phantom with a driver. I am confident this will make me want to go outside more often.

Sincerely, Sam


Mon Aug 31: 

Well … I hit send on my performance and compensation review email. No turning back now. 

Month-ends come around too quickly. I just paid my rent and reviewed my budget. I reduced my savings to pay off my debt – I plan to be done with one loan and bring my credit card debt within the 25-35% balance owing range by Q1 2021. That means no big spending this Christmas. I know the boys have PS5 on their wish list (I think it comes out in Oct). Maybe Grandpa will come through for them.

My boss called me, but I missed his call then I was all nervous for like hours – Thinking all kinds of crazy shit.


Tue Sep 1:

André was like, “Mom play BroWorld A Douchebag’s Quest.” 

What!?” I say as he starts laughing.

“It’s fun. You have to build muscle and pick up chicks.” 

“Really! Why would I want to play that? You shouldn’t be playing that.”

He laughs and turns to walk away

“I’m serious!” I yell after him.

I made basil pesto without cheese – I used a combo of almonds, walnuts and pine nuts and it’s nice and creamy. If I make something and it’s a hit with Matt then I know it’s good. I also made chimichurri. It’s so good with meat. I first had it a few years ago at Copacabana. I went back a few months later and it wasn’t the same. I think they stopped making it and had some nasty factory made pre-packaged version. It didn’t even look like classic chimichurri. I found a great Argentinian recipe online but I put red onions in mine which isn’t part of the recipe.


Wed Sep 2:

I snapped at the Architect today – then I felt terrible and called him to apologize. He told me not to worry about it, but still – I always wish I could control my behaviour better once I reflect, but by then, the damage is done. At least I am grown enough to apologize now. I never used to before. 

Someone said that, there’s a wrong time to be right, or people remember how you make them feel. Well I want people to feel good but at the same time I got shit to say and I can’t always be diplomatic – but I am learning.

My ex called me. I just looked at the phone and left it to ring. 

One of the horror anthologies I watched had a super creative story. Nursery Crimes – Essentially Little Bo Peep snapped and went on a murder spree. She killed her sheep, cause she got tired of trying to find them all the time. She killed Little Miss Muffet and the Spider and Jack and Jill too. Technically she didn’t kill Jack – she threw him down a well and he starved to death. It was hilarious. Plus it was stop motion animation – which I love.


Thu Sep 3:

I ran out of my progesterone pills or maybe estrogen. I can’t remember. It’s the small purple ones. My doctor keeps telling me I’m too young to go into menopause, but why? What if I want to go into menopause early? 

I think not having a period is just as liberating as having one. The other day I read about cultures that will put young girls out of the house monthly when they are on because they believe menstruation is “dirty,” and a little girl died in a shed from exposure. AND this is a common occurrence. 

BTW – when I say “the other day,” it could be yesterday or like 15 years ago. 

I just realized I didn’t book my one-month follow-up appointment with my doctor on how the Prozac is working. Plus, I haven’t heard from her about the DBT clinic. 

I have these silver skull earrings that I love, and there’s a little bow on the right side of the head. I need to find a replacement; they are tarnished now. 

I met with my boss, and he told me how great I was. 🙂 It wasn’t an official performance review, but I was smiling like an idiot. Like seriously, I had this big stupid smile the whole time. I need to wait about a month before we can discuss compensation. He said he didn’t want to make any promises, and I appreciate that. 

Andre hasn’t interacted with us much this week – Aside from telling me about that silly game, he just stays in his room. 

Moods are contagious, and when he comes out to eat, I can feel his mental state.  


Fri Sep 4:

Yo! Today I got my Official Asian Card – Why? Cause I gave an Asian lady advice on how to make bubble tea. That’s why! I’m claiming Japanese, Korean and Chinese. Why? Cause I can make multiple dishes from scratch from each country. Fuck Yeah! 

Hopefully I don’t lose my Black Card in the process. I changed my mind about swearing in my journal if you didn’t notice, but I won’t swear often. And just a reminder that motherfucker is not a bad word.

I’m writing this drunk – I don’t think I will say anything I’ll regret cause I’m a nice person with severe anger issues. lol. I think I am a happy drunk. Happy, sleepy drunk, actually. Back in the day, alcohol used to make me horny. Now I just get tired and laugh more often than usual.

BTW – I also have an Italian Card. I made some kick-ass pizza dough and sauce – via Jamie Oliver via Jamie at Home cookbook. I don’t have my Indigenous Card yet, but I do have two great cookbooks, Tawâw and The Sioux Chef’s Indigenous Kitchen so soon I will. 🙂

I worked from my bed today – I couldn’t sleep last night. I started my product backlog grooming at like 6:30 am. Something work-related from Wednesday was bothering me, and I couldn’t sleep. 

I have a book called Zen Speaks: Shouts of Nothingness. There is a story in that book about carrying stuff. I been carrying this crap since Wednesday – It’s not that serious, but I can’t get it out of my head. I’m not going to tell you about it because I don’t want to talk about it, even though I can’t stop thinking about it.

Good night. I love you. I’ve had too much to drink. I still wish I was a ninja.


Sat Sep 5:

I didn’t go to do the church clean up – I feel somewhat awful, but I signed up on impulse. I can’t even keep the plans I make with myself.

I decided to finish the edibles – about half a cookie. It didn’t look like a lot, mostly crumbs, so I just ate everything – This is why mindful eating is essential. I was so effin high, and I had to cook dinner. OMG.

I made it through – the kids were busy playing video games, so I don’t think they noticed. That shit lasted for hours. Everything was shimmery, and I was so paranoid. I felt like I would break everything I touched. 

Dinner was easy though – Matt wanted Sloppy Joes. I made the sauce and dressing and chopped up the onions and garlic before I got high – thank God. All I had left was to fry the beef and stir in the dressing for the coleslaw. I sliced the tomato and put the lettuce and cheese out. I left them to warm up the burger buns.

I was sooooo happy when I was done. I went back to my room and I think I fell asleep. I had a dream that I was watching myself while I was high. It was as if a ghost came to visit me and then he took me on a trip to watch the stupid shit I do. Think of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol and I was Ebenezer Scrooge. 

Then I woke up at 2:00 am and went back to bed at 5:00 am feeling like a bad parent. But you know what, fuck that feeling – I made dinner for God’s sake.


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