Journal

Journal Entry – Mon Nov 9

When I wake up between 3:00-4:00 am, I will start working by 5:00, or 6:00 am. That way, I don’t have to make up time at night or on weekends anymore. Usually, I am ready to nap at around 3:00 pm. But if I start earlier, I can do a full day of work without worry. I don’t have any meetings after 3:00 pm on my calendar right now – This ought to work out well. Keep your fingers crossed for me. 

“Mom, if someone died on your bed, would you still sleep in it?”

“That’s creepy!”

Matt will ask me the craziest shit. 

I’m very excited. I have another opportunity to help the organization organize and I get to learn another part of the business in the process (BONUS!). This time it is our intellectual property. Hooray!!! I’ve been reading about IP and how to manage an inventory of info today. I have to give my boss an update on Thursday during our 1:1. Did you know the Coca-Cola recipe is a trade secret, which is a type of IP 🙂

Learning is the best way not to get bored or fall into autopilot on the job, OR in your life. I don’t think I’ve ever been on autopilot but if you ever find me there, slap me awake. If that doesn’t work, kill me! Immediately! Life is too beautiful to just go through the motions (feel it all!). 

I think my awareness of BPD makes me question my reality in a way that I never did before. I ask myself if my response is appropriate. (I overreact plenty!). I am aware of my paranoia (everyone’s out to get me, even my children) and how often my goals shift (yes, no, maybe, I don’t know what I want, leave me alone).  

I can take one thing, for example, the fact that Sales never told me about the go-live date for our US client (unforgivable). That one thing will taint everything, and I will feel this intense anger and think, “Why am I even doing this job? They don’t need a project manager. They don’t give a shit about project management. I’m wasting my time.” Blah, blah, blah. But because I am also overly sensitive, I will end up crying, which will lead to a headache and make me feel even worse!

Back in the day, I would have started looking for a new job because of that one thing, and the feeling that everyone is out to get me, or didn’t care about me, didn’t go away. It just sat there and festered. And when I got my new job, I’d be all happy, but then it would happen again! This also played out in my personal relationships.

At least now, I can recognize these thought patterns – I can’t stop them, but because I know they’re there, I don’t explode and overreact like I used to. So … I’m making progress 🙂 I am happy that I know because depending on the mood (I spelled mode by mistake. smh) I am in, I can reflect accurately, and when I do, I realize how much I love what I do and the people I work with 🙂

But you know, I could wake up tomorrow and think everyone hates me! AND I will hate them right back! OR … it could happen before I go to bed. And I might decide that I want to be a nurse or a forensic accountant or a firefighter. Fuck project management! Fuck the company! Fuck everybody!

But it’s ok, I just have to remember what I know today.

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