Sun Aug 9
The kiddies went for the picnic BBQ that we should have had last Monday. I didn’t feel like leaving the house, so I stayed home. I did a short treadmill run. I danced, I cleaned up. I relaxed my hair. Whenever they get back mad late, I am always glad I didn’t go with them – I can’t hang out in a park for eight hours. Ewwwwwww.
Mon Aug 10
I felt like crying at work today. My boss can be such an ass. OR am I my usual, overly sensitive self? Anyway – our financial reporting needs work, and I have plans to improve it, but he wasn’t clear on what he wanted to see two weeks ago on this piece of shit FR project. I’m so pissed right now.
So I showed what I thought he wanted to see, he didn’t show up for the meeting last week now all of a sudden the info on the report isn’t what he wanted to see. This project is driving everyone insane, and just when you think a decision is made, somebody is bringing the same shit up again. AND the person who is bringing it up, don’t even have nothing to do with the project! Jesus! Can we move the eff on please? I need a reality adjustment.
Anyway, I sent him an email informing him that I am not going to change anything until I get some clarity on x,y and z. I am not wasting my time. Today I really didn’t feel appreciated. However, I did finish the org chart – that was fun. I like to map things out; it helps me think. AND BTW – it looks way better than the version that was there before (I’m poppin’ my collar right now 🙂 Yeah! I-just-make-things-better! I’m fab like that!
My daughter had her performance review today and got an 18% raise! I’m proud of her. She is making chicken alfredo for dinner – with alfredo sauce from scratch.
André’s gf/friend is sleeping over. I don’t even know what she is to him anymore, but she loves him – even a move out of the city couldn’t keep them apart. I told him that kind of love doesn’t come along often. He’d better be better than great to her. Sometimes, I talk to her because I think she does too much for him – No! It is not your job to do his laundry – he can get off his lazy stinkin’ ass and do it himself! And then I talk to him to make sure he truly appreciates her.
I volunteered to help clean and sanitize my old church – Saturday is going to come, and I am not going to want to go. But that’s why I signed up, to force myself to get out of the house – They probably don’t even remember me.
I’m not too fond of red wine.
Tue Aug 11
I don’t have much to say today. I’m in a funk. AGAIN!!! I hate everybody!
Wed Aug 12
People annoy me. I don’t last for more than two years in an organization or personal relationships. I encounter this existential crisis approximately every two years, where a weighted blanket of doubt covers my entire life. Everything is up for debate. I question my career, my relationship (if I am in one), my job. Why am I here? What am I doing? Where am I going? It’s exhausting, and the things I loved just look shitty. Everything just turns to shit – I can’t see or think straight, and I want to cry all the time – always on the verge of tears every day. In case you didn’t know, it takes a lot of energy to hold back tears.
I had a chat with my doctor – she ran a bunch of tests a few weeks ago. Turns out, I’m physically health. (Hooray!) Mentally, not so much! What’s right with me? That’s for another time. Well …
I’m an anxious alcoholic (nothing new), with eating, mood and borderline personality disorders. I don’t even know what a borderline personality is (maybe that’s why I always feel like I am going to lose my mind – like Madonna said, but I think she was talking about love). And never would I have thought that my relationship with food was an issue.
Anyway – I agreed to take Prozac and go to a DBT clinic and addicts program at CAMH (technically I didn’t agree to the addiction program. I still feel like I can quit on my own. I been drinking non-alcoholic beer after all). I plan to read about my diagnosis.
Thu Aug 13
So my prescription didn’t get to the right pharmacy. I ended up having to call my doctor again. Apparently, there was a glitch in whatever app they use to get scripts out. Now I am nervous wondering about how I am going to be different. Well, I have at least a month to chill with my original self.
Do you remember when coca-cola changed their recipe, and nobody liked it, so they switched back to the old formula, and then that old formula became the new coke? Am I going to fall in love with the new me?
I had a chat with my boss, and he told me how wonderful I am, which made me feel better than I did yesterday. Then, almost immediately after, I was annoyed with myself because I don’t want to need words of affirmation from others to feel sure about myself – I know that shouldn’t bother me, but it does. Maybe I do need those words, I just can’t bring myself to admit it. (let’s pretend I don’t need them for now.)
Ok – don’t get me wrong. I love praise and encouragement, but I want to be able to change my mood on my own without external help. For example, if someone tells me I did a great job, and I know I did a great job, then I can say thank you and move on.
But if i’m in a funk about something, and someone maybe tries to make me feel better – And then I start feeling better because of what was said – I don’t like that. I don’t even know if my explanation makes sense. Moving on 🙂
I wonder if love language applies to work – I feel like it does.
Fri Aug 14
I headed out to the pharmacy before I got too deep into work, mainly because I am doing financial stuff – I’m taking financial reporting to the next level with earned value management (EVM). Wish me luck. I started familiarizing myself with EVM since last year, but I couldn’t use it because we weren’t reporting our time on projects anyway, so it would have been pointless. Now that we mostly are, I have to wrap my head around EVM all over again.
I’m staring at the old guy in front of me – his wife is doing all the talking and decision making for him. My turn …
“Have you taken this medication before?”
“Please wait over there for a consultation with the pharmacist.” She points to the consultation desk.
I read about medical marijuana while I wait. I look at a counter model for managing multiple meds while I wait. (I don’t want to be that person. I’m already taking hormones, vitamins here and there and now Prozac – I don’t want to have to take anything else.) I look at a brochure for shingles vaccine while I wait. WTF yo! I gotta get back to work!
“Hi. Sorry about the wait. Is this medication is for you?”
“Ok. Let me check to see what other medications you’re taking.”
“Alright. Start by taking your recommended dosage in the morning, with or without food. If you find that it makes you too drowsy, then you can switch to evenings. The medication may cause diarrhea (excellent! Just what I need!!), nausea, and in some rare cases, weight gain (Great! I will be that rare case. ugh!). It will take a week for your system to get used to the medication and about a month for you to see results. Don’t stop taking this on your own. Talk with your doctor first.” (Whatever. I stopped taking meds I wasn’t supposed to before and I’m fine. Look!)
“Any questions for me?”
“Can I have alcohol?”
“In moderation.” (what does that even mean? do you know how much I can drink? Moderation … hmmm)
“Can I have edibles or smoke weed?”
“That’s not recommended. Alcohol and other illicit drugs can alter the effectiveness of the medication or intensify it.” (wtf, did he say illicit? Did I ask if I can take LSD or coke?)
I made a beeline to the liquor store.
Sat Aug 15
I was supposed to go to the church and help with cleaning, but I had diarrhea, and I was sleepy af … not a good combo, but I didn’t have an accident. I woke up at 5 am, took my pill then tried to do some work around the house. I ended up in bed at 7 am and slept until about 1:30 pm. I was out – My daughter told me later she came into my room and took my phone off the bed – she was expecting a package. I didn’t hear a thing.
I haven’t really told my children yet – I probably won’t tell Matt because he worries. If he knows what med I’m on, he’s gonna research the hell out of it, find all the negative side effects and worry that all of them are going to happen to me.
My daughter’s been cooking up sweets all week, cinnamon buns, donuts, and loukoumades (I introduced the fam to those). I think every culture has some kind of fried dough dish in their arsenal.
I need to finish my OKRs.
Feature Photo Credit: @KennyL_SF via Twenty20
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