I Am Not My Thoughts

… I am not my thoughts … I am not my thoughts

A few weeks back, I watched Law and Order SVU, It never used to be my favourite, but it’s grown. What I enjoy most is that there isn’t always a happy ending. Some stories leave many dangling strings, and the good/bad guys aren’t black and white. Sometimes it leaves me feeling uneasy, and as much as I hate it, I find myself saying, “Yeah! I wanna write like that.”

Woke up from my afternoon nap yesterday and saw how amazing the sun looked, lighting up the edges of the clouds. Mother Nature spoke to me, “Focus on the light behind the clouds. It’s always there, even when you can’t see it.”

“Would you like to take the boys?”

“Where?”

“I don’t care. Just don’t bring them back!” (She’s still thinking about it.)

Although I’m dealin’ with one douchy boy (most of the time it’s one), I don’t think about running away, burning shit down or accidental murder as often as I used to. I’ve come a long way, yes!

This was a good morning! I rolled out of bed, jumped on the scale, did my one-hour workout with Just Dance. Showered, drank my AG, wrote for about fifteen minutes (not as long as I’d like), and still had enough time to start work at 8:30 am.

The dance sequences in JD are getting harder. This morning I was laughing, thinking, it’s good thing I didn’t want to be a dancer or, worse, a choreographer. I would have failed, ended up miserable, on drugs, blaming everybody and eventually dead from an overdose – all because I couldn’t let go of a dream that wasn’t for me. And you know why? Because my parents told me I could be anybody!

Moral: Lying to your children to make them feel good will eventually lead to despair and death.

Yesterday Zo hung out with me while I cooked.

… Not that I need more pencil crayons but the books are great.

I recently learned a term from Joy Harjo, poetry ancestors. These people influence your writing; they can be poets but don’t have to be. I know for sure some of my ancestors are rap artists. Also, Joy learned to play the saxophone at 40 ish because she wanted to turn some of her poems into songs 🙂 However, in band she wanted to play but they told her girls don’t play sax and gave her a clarinet instead. (I used to play the clarinet and at some point wanted to learn the sax but never did.)

I figure I’m too new to be relegating myself to one medium only. Fear might have been driving that decision … and now it’s gone.

I have a few poems from June, when I was in Brooklyn that I haven’t published. I might revisit those after this one. More lines for poems come to me when I’m in the shower or cleaning up, than when I’m out for a walk.

I hope you have someone to take your children, either because you’ve decided you don’t want them anymore or because they are defective in some irreparable way.

Mon Nov 21, 2022