Feel it All – Or Don’t

… In search of my true self. Again. Thankfully, the year is almost over. I will take a break in Q1 2023.

Communicating with databases is more straightforward than communicating with humans. Ah! If every human were a database. It doesn’t matter; we’d still figure out how to cheat, steal, marginalize, and decommission each other.

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On Or Before A Date:

SELECT * FROM demographics
SELECT * FROM life_experiences (depending on age, that's likely to slow down the DB)
SELECT * FROM trash
SELECT * FROM things_i_wish_to_forget

If only! Or no – I read somewhere that it is not necessary or even a good idea to know everything about your partner.

Of course, I’ve made many assumptions about how a human database would work for the information retrieved to be truthful. Do you remember Dreamcatcher, where Stephen King showed our memory as a library? Black Mirror may have also had an episode about databases – if I recall, that one was about uploading our lives, so our loved ones can visit us after we die. There was also the one about an implant in your eye for us to remember things exactly as they happened.

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Sometimes I get passionate about a thing and want to give my opinion – then I remember that my opinion must be informed – that is of critical importance to me. (I also remember that some of my opinions are retarded – maybe not worth pursuing – or maybe they just feel stupid to me). Having an informed opinion involves research, not just googling but old-fashioned library visits with librarian assistance because some histories go way back, and I need to reference and cite shit.

Then I feel overwhelmed and put it off – but I will list all the opinion piece type things I want to write. Lists make me happy, but only if I’m making progress.

Hi! It’s me, Sam!

When I was younger, I loved going to the Toronto Reference Library.

After writing Pregnant w/ Dee last weekend, I want to write more personal stuff. Maybe about my mom dying from cancer, specifically the last few weeks in the hospital. Or about a massive blowout fight we had – several years before she got sick. Or how much it bothers me that my sister and I aren’t close (technically, I am not “vulnerability close” with anybody, which is sad), or the lead-up to me losing my virginity. 

I want to write about harrowing, beautiful and deeply personal experiences. I feel vulnerable, which is fine, but I always prefer not to feel, although I feel it all – Time to shore up my database to avoid attacks.

You should prefer to feel and hope you have someone you can be vulnerable with!

Wed Nov 16, 2022