RainbowFire - Journal Entries

And Just Like That

Sat Jan 01, 2022

… It’s 2022. What are you going to do differently/better this year? Did you already start? 

On Friday, Dec 31, I met my trainer at 10:30 am because the gym was closing at 6:00 pm. After my session with him, I ran at 8.5 speed, six times for ~ 10-15 seconds each and rested for ~ 30-40 seconds at 3.5 speed. It wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. I wanna see if I can reach speed 10 by next Friday, Jan 07. He said I have to maintain that speed for at least 10 seconds each time and we can work on increasing the duration. I’m going for TEN yo! G(L)OAT.

I’ve been thinking:

  • It’s best for me to keep the same schedule weekdays and weekends. This will help with consistency and regularly incorporating things I am learning
  • I will not include a new language until I assess my progress in March – still aiming for conversational French to start.
  • I would like to have a French boyfriend, then Japanese, then Korean, then Russian, then … Language Immersion 🙂 
  • Seeing a crosssection of a penis is weirdly unappetizing.
  • Soon I will be having another “talk” with The Boy about his uselessness. (heavy sigh. Should I be optimistic? I can associate our CA’s feelings to this situation I find myself in year after year after year.)
    • Well, I am the common denominator, and so is he – someone’s gotta give
    • Dré has the same five or six goals on his wall from two years ago. I don’t get it.
  • “Progress over perfection.” This week I saw that saying in a Noom commercial – But remember, a long time back, I told you about the two types of perfection. https://palmsupward.com/2021/07/01/july-2021/10/ 
    • Perfectionistic Strivings and Perfectionistic Concerns. I feel most of us may clump everything under PC. That is not who I am.
    • I will always have high standards and set lofty goals for myself. Of course, I know there will be setbacks, but I need to see results. I expect to continue striving because this is who I am. 🎶Baby I was born this way🎶. (maybe not so great for the people around me unless they have strivings of their own. The Boy only talks about his strivings, but he takes no action towards them – Useless.)
    • It bothers me enormously when I cannot do my job. Pointless.
      • If I am in waste management, I need to clean up.
      • If I am in sex work, I need to have sex.
      • If I am a hedge fund manager, I need to make money.
    • How do you measure success when you cannot do what you are supposed to do?
  • I still want to go to Paris.
  • I am not buying any more guppies

My apartment feels lighter – I gave away so much stuff and repurposed others. As much as I hate it, I will buy electronic books. Do you think I can get through 2022 without purchasing any furniture for myself? 

I very much would like to get my own place, but Matt keeps reminding me that he is still a minor. Damn it!!! When I think back to my bachelor pad at Church and Wellesley – that’s all the space I need. Actually, I’d need a one-bedroom. My bed is too big for a bachelor – unless … I reserve that particular apartment for sex work.

Is it ok to force yourself to art like you sometimes have to force yourself to write? I tried to draw today but I couldn’t and it didn’t feel effortless. uuuuuuuuUGH. So much for getting better without practice. I know I say stupid shit but I think a small part of me believes it which really sucks. Anyway – I will dust off and get my mind right for tomorrow and I think maybe having an idea of what I want to draw will be helpful and if I can’t find anything, I can always find inspiration around the house or outside. Still Life Landscape!

All of a sudden I am not in a good mood and everything feels shitty 😦 It’s snowing … shitflakes.

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