RainbowFire - Journal Entries

August to December Stardust

Wed Oct 20:

The Boy’s been doing shit without me having to ask or get into a long ass debate session about it. It only took eighteen years … let’s hope it last at least until he moves out. Zoe thinks my toes are treats – How did that happen? “Zo! Don’t bite me!” Rabbits don’t speak English.

I slept for six hours straight last night. Plus, I did not ask any questions during the dev-project meeting and I had four. I wrote them down instead and you know what, it wasn’t so bad. And if I really still wanna know the answer after the fact, I have lots of people I can ask. I was quiet and I waited and I wrote and I am still alive. Yay!!! (You should be hootin’ n’ hollerin’ right now!) It’s alright to have unanswered questions Sam. And the other good thing is, these questions aren’t going to be taking up space in my head, I won’t be coming back to them mentally because I wrote them down. I can go about my other business carefree.

This doesn’t mean I won’t address project or process related issues – but for product stuff, as much as I want to learn the product, my questions can wait; even or especially when, I have no idea what the team is talking about. Writing has always been my best friend. Writing to the rescue! 🙂

I had a beautiful chat with out CA – I like him and I understand his pessimism. It’s nice when people understand you eh. I also love that we can speak freely you know.

Lesson for today: Just because it looks messy, doesn’t mean it’s easy

Got myself a personal trainer, Thought about it for a while – Been trying to do the get fit shit on my own without the results I wanna see for too long . Since I hit ~ 45, this is the hardest it’s ever been in my life to get fit . Ever – I’m used to the fat melting off of me like butter in a hot pan. I make the decision, I do the work and I see the results – not anymore! Shit just got extra complicated and it doesn’t help that I overeat, undersleep and workout sporadically at best.

When I get tired of doing the same thing, I just stop. Also, I find that I don’t push myself in the same way I can push myself on everything else. With workouts, my brain quits before my body does – I could easily have 5-10 more reps but I will stop. After one workout, I’m in the mirror, “What the fuck! I just worked really hard just now, show me something!” Results are important to me – I get discouraged if I don’t see them quickly.

I was late for our first meeting because I didn’t factor that I am leaving from the office. Even though I packed my bags from last night, I still forgot my towel, my padlock, flip flops. During the session, as soon as she mentioned squats I said, “Can we do something else?” but I was thinking, “Listen! If “squats” exits your mouth one more time, I will break your fuckin’ legs then silence you permanently.” Squats are the only things I can do to strengthen my legs? Really!?!? I can’t believe that! Can I get some variety PLEASE!!!

three, two, one – I had to do the squats cause it part of their measurement baseline thing. I squashed the squats. Gots me some sweet muscles under this fat. All the weight stuff I was able to complete with some minor form adjustment on a few. Cardio on the other hand … As a former runner, I was embarrassed. I leave you with one word, PATHETIC. Seems my cardio went to hell and never came back … but it will now! Soon, easily, I can run for my life during the zombie apocalypse.

I measure everything against the ZA. If I can run my first marathon length by next spring, I will feel very good and that will establish my new personal best, then I will have to keep besting myself. Somewhere I read that you have to run at least fifteen marathons before you can be in ultra marathon training condition.

BTW – I still cannot convince the fam to play tag with me – When the ZA comes, I ain’t turning back for nobody!!!

Tue Oct 19:

I love the new Viagra commercials. Said no one ever! Ha!

🎶 Everybody take it to the top we gonna stomp. All night. In the neighborhood, don’t it feel alright. Gonna stomp. All night. Wanna partay till the morning light. Stomp! 🎶

Me was quiet in the townhall this morning but I had two questions and I managed to restrain myself from blurting out, “I have a question!” Hooray! And I guess too, we only had 30 min so, in thinking about the time I was able to stifle myself. I’m still alive though. And you know what, it’s ok if don’t get answers – although, the questions will remain, flapping about in my head like a disembodied lizard tail. Tomorrow is the big test at the dev-project meeting – I will live under the quiet toadstool, covered by the concise and succinct umbrella.

When I was younger, one of my teachers, I think it was my math teacher, would say, “No more questions today Samantha please.” And I would laugh and save them for next class or after school, or weekends in the park.

Sometimes I want to pet my rabbit, but does my rabbit what to be petted and sometimes I want to caress the rats, but do they want to be caressed – suppose my pets are screaming “harassment” but I cannot hear them?

🎶 Oh mister rat. Rat. Mister golden rat, please shine down on me. Mr. Rat. Rat. Mr. golden rat, hiding behind a cloudy tree. These little kids are all asking you, please come out so we can play with you. Oh Mr. Rat. Rat. Mr. golden rat. Please shine down on, won’t you shine down on, please shine down on meeeeeeeeeeee! 🎶

My co-worker who runs the office in Belarus also loves art and his uncle is an artist. Isn’t that neat. I think you will find that you have lots of things in common with people than you have out common with them. Cool right!!!

Bags are packed – to the office – ready I am to go. 🎶 You niggaz had enough. Gimme some more. Yo Spliff where the weed at. Gimme some more. You know we always need that. Even though we getting money you can gimme some more. Cars and the big cribs. Gimme some more. Everybody spread love. Gimme some more. If you want it let me hear you say, gimme some more … What what what what. What what what. 🎶

I have some more stuff to tell you but it will have to wait till tomaraw. I wanna watch a horror movie and go to bed before 10 pm.

Peace!

Mon Oct 18:

This morning I felt the need to tell my co-workers that I love them – so I did. Because I do! 🙂 AND … I love you too 🙂 I wonder if I am liberal with my “I Love Yous” because I didn’t hear it much as a child?

Last night I dreamt that I turned my bathroom into a steam room – woke up and tried it, but it didn’t work. I am still looking for a steam room and Dré is bugging me to get a gym membership because he needs heavier weights and they still haven’t finished the gym reno downstairs. Tomorrow we will check out LA Fitness – they have a sauna and a pool, which is cool and they are not too far away from home so I am happy about that and they are waaaaay cheaper than Equinox. (but I do miss their steam room a lot.)

This is what I been working on the last three or four days

I’m disappointed with the horror movie selection this October. I was watching Manor on Prime – a movie about a seventy year-old woman in a haunted seniors home. I couldn’t finish it. Not because it was stupid but because it was sad.

When I am officially a senior, if anybody tries to treat me like a child, I’ll fuckin’ kill ya! If you’re sitting around waiting for me to die, you’ll die first; a horrendously violent death [that will shock even hardened police officers]! (by my hands, just so we are clear.) If you’re disrespectful, you’ll disappear! Also … dead! I gotta put that out there. [and if you try to manhandle me, I’ll snap your neck]

Sam

I used to have lots of fun weight lifting/strength training/training for my runs – I don’t know what happened – Now? Yeah I workout but I do it half-heartedly because I know it’s good for me – I want to enjoy it again! I thought about getting a treadmill like some of my coworkers, but I know myself and that is going to get boring – I have to constantly switch things up. ugh!!! I’ll keep ya posted. I hurt my wrist again.

Matt counted my tattoos because his friend wanted to know how many I have.

I AM GOING TO SEE DUNE + MORBIUS + GHOSTBUSTERS AFTERLIFE +THE BATMAN + SPIDER-MAN: NO WAY HOME + HALLOWEEN SIXTY SEVEN THOUSAND AND THREE! – I tried watching the original Dune again the other day but I couldn’t – it’s too old. I feel like I already knew they were doing a remake of Dune, I musta forgot.

Hmmm … next to my ninja assassin army, I am going to have an army of rats – they are so cute and curious and quick learners – maybe I was a rat in my past life. Except … my memory is not so good.

Sun Oct 17:

Hello – I didn’t nap today – it’s 7:41 pm and I am ready for bed.

I enrolled in my second course but I am still seeking guidance on the last assignment – At the intro of the second course, the instructor says to make sure you don’t rush through things because it will get increasingly complicated. This week I will go back and redo all my assignments from course one – just to ensure I know Python like I know English so far. I know French better than I know Python right now – I find myself speaking to Python in plain English – which of course doesn’t work.

Maybe one day we will have a language where you tell it what you want and it writes the program for you – neat right!

I hope you had a good day – I am about to pass out! – Matt brought home cookies from The Night Baker – I only had half of a soft and delicious cookie. They’re all yummy.

Sat Oct 16:

FIRE!!! I’m stuck in a for loop and I can’t get out. ugh! so close. I wish I could show you my code with all the pretty colors. I think I will enroll in the second course anyway – Python Data Structures, and as I learn that may help me with the assignment. One more day I have – I didn’t do much today, except look at the code and yesterday or the day before I went over some of the lectures. The answer is in there. 🎶 I feel it in my bones. You’re knocking at my window. 🎶

I like going for walks early in the morning, before the sun comes up – just me walking, no music, no people, no companion.

Forgot to mention it yesterday …

I AM A NURSE

What’s your superpower!

nurse’s tee shirt

The nurse who gave my son his vaccine was wearing that. “I like your t-shirt!'” She smiles and says, “thank you!”

Do you wanna know what my superpower is? No! Well, I’m gonna tell you.

I MAKE PEOPLE SMILE X LAUGH X THINK

What’s your superpower!

Sam

Or maybe to some people, my superpower is being annoying AF with all my questions all the time. (I hope no one sees me that way.) Do we have any control over how others see us?

You know the other day when I mentioned men being on the menu – I have a feeling that might be sexist – Maybe if you wouldn’t want that to be said about a woman, then you shouldn’t say it about a man? I don’t know!!! had to educate myself a little bitthis too. BTW, my boss interrupts everybody BUT, he will call people out for interrupting others. Maybe he thinks that because he is the CEO or in a hurry, that makes it ok.

I never want to do anything that appears hypocritical or makes anyone feel like they don’t belong – If I do, call me out on it, including if your feeling get hurt. Hmmm … I am pretty sure I’ve said, “Your feelings are not my problem!” I may even have written it down somewhere. I don’t feel that way anymore – to a point. Speaking for myself, I shrug things off sometimes, “Oh. I’m being too sensitive.” “Maybe they didn’t mean it how I took it.” “My feelings are my responsibility after all, so if this hurts then something is wrong with me.” But I feel like when we are hurt, if we can admit it to ourselves first, it’s the perfect opportunity for self-reflection, you know. “Why is this thing hurting me?”

Since MY SUPERPOWER IS MAKING PEOPLE SMILE X LAUGH X THINK, I cannot also hurt their feelings, (I can make you think without hurting your feeling right?) otherwise … MY SUPERPOWER IS BEING A HYPOCRITE!!! Which would totally suck sweaty balls/boobs. BUT in order for me to be aware you have to tell me. If I’m being douchy tell me!

😍 Teach me how to treat you 😍

Sam

Many years ago, I had a boss who would fly out of his office and start yelling at the top of his lungs when something went wrong. Maybe because he just got yelled at by a client or his boss – I don’t know. The first time I became a target, I said, in an even tone “I don’t like when you talk to me like that.” We had a chat in his office afterward, and he never yelled at me again. But guess what … he still came out of his office and yelled at everyone else. Which made no sense to me. If you can change your behavior with one person then you can change your behavior. I’m not telling you you can’t be angry or have no right to feel what you are feeling but how you behave matters and you can control that! He was an asshole though – one of the guys that worked with me, Mike, he would always send him on coffee runs – like Mike was his bitch. “Mike! Coffee!” And Mike would drop what he was doing and go – unless he was on a call with a client; but right after the call was done, he’s out the door.

🎶 Baaaaaby they can’t play you cause I’ll save you with my superpower. Boy I’m only human but I’ll be your superwoman. 🎶 Or maybe … 🎶 I’m not your superwoman. I’m not the kinda girl that you can let down and think that everything is ok. 🎶 Do men sign songs about being a woman’s superman? At the moment I cannot think of any. 🎶 I’m your mama, I’m your daddy. I’m that nigga in the ally. I’m the doctor when you need, want some coke, have some weed. You know me, I’m your friend. Your main boy, thick and thin. I’m your pusherman 🎶(Sorry! That’s not the same thing).

There was this other guy named Chris – he was a fat cheesy smelling piece of shit … but that’s a story for another time. I really can’t stand bullies – it doesn’t matter how old they are or where they are!!!

Now my friend … I leave you with my superhuman song:

🎶 I’ll be the super shitstorm raining down on your fat moronic head with my trusty Axe Hammer of Truth that imparts knowledge of self and compassion or puts you in your graaaaaaaaaaaaave! Graaaaaaaaaaaaave! You can have it your way! Have it your way! Which is one of two ways. One of two ways! 🎶 Can you see me on stage? I feel like I could sing this to an Ace of Spades type beat.

xoxoxoxoxox – to the world and all the beautiful people in it. Don’t let anybody push you around eh! I want you to be happy, feel safe and accepted, at work, at home, in your community. So you have to make others feel safe and accepted too. Deal!

Fri Oct 15:

Yo! 🎶 I’m drinking rum and Red Bull. 🎶 jk. I went with the Boy so he can get his first vaccine and we both got lost. It’s like the friggin’ clinic was hidden away in some secret location. Reminded me of Cold Tea in the Kensington Market area – You can only get there if you’ve been there. Great place for third+ dates, BTW.

There was an LCBO in the mall. We walked by two or three times in the process of finding the damn clinic. Dré went to the bank. In the meantime, I shimmied around the mall and what do you know? LCBO! Again! I didn’t know Dré could see me from the bank. After we met up he said, “Mom! Don’t stand in front of the liquor store like that again. You looked like a recovering alcoholic.”

lmao.

Good news! I did not buy anything but … later we ordered food from Joey’s and I couldn’t resist the urge anymore. Got this Joiy Sparkling Bubbles Rosé Wine – 12% alc./250ml

Matt went out for dinner with Dee and Sabs

Sleep tight – it’s raining, perfect weather for sleeping yes!

Thu Oct 14:

An absolutely tragic morning – I swore it was Friday 😭 – and I hate when my keyboard emoji does not equal my screen emoji.

🎶 I came in the door, I said it before. I never let the mic magnetize me no more. But it’s biting me, fighting me, inviting me to rhyme. I can’t hold it back, I’m looking for the line. Taking off my coat, clearing my throat. The rhyme will be kicking until I hit my last note. My mind remains refined, with all kinda ideas, self-esteem makes it seem like a thought took years to build but still say a rhyme after the next one. Prepared, never scared, I’ll just bless one and you know that I’m the soloist. So Eric B. you make ’em clap to this 🎶

Memories of the 80s in NYC. I was in love with Rakim and his flow. Still am. When I first tasted Canadian pizza … “what the. This isn’t pizza.” I couldn’t wait to get back to New York

So … the last time I had the rabbits in the living room, I observed their behavior and I was reading about rabbit body language – Zoe and Archie cannot play together anymore.

The Boy went outside, got lost as usual and was fully trying to put blame on Google! “Where are you?”

“I don’t know where I am. I just see a bunch of stores.”

“Can you read!”

“Aaaaah. Ok. Ok. Oh I see … “

“Bye!”

When he was leaving the house, he took out the garbage and the recycling, “Awwww! Look at the Boy being all thoughtfully initia-tative n’ shit. Awwww! Thank you baby!” He smiled and went out the door.

Still working on my last Python assignment – If I don’t figure it out by the end of the week I will ask for help.

And my French – I haven’t made any progress – I can do greetings and introduce myself confidently but I don’t think I can order in a restaurant or talk about my family in the same way … “je voudrais un homme!” I am at a restaurant where men are on the menu. lmao. [is that sexists?] Is there such a thing as sex deprivation? “Les garçons sont merde!!! lmao … they probably wouldn’t find that funny.

Bonne nuit!

Wed Oct 13:

My dad broke up with his long time girlfriend of 20+ years. Do we ever think about the men in our lives being victims of domestic violence? It’s not the first thing that comes to mind is it? At first I was sad you know but, change is inevitable and dad is alright and comfortable. Most times our first thought is of what we or the person is losing with the loss of the relationship but I feel like the end of some relationships are worth celebrating no. You know what I mean! And that is all I am going to say about that. (I’m using we and our, like I know what everyone is thinking.)

Speaking of thinking …. sometimes I think I talk too much. No one has ever told me to shut up, but I wonder if my contributions are meaningful. Yes I have questions, but my questions are only for me and my curiosity and to figure out how someone is thinking, “what brought you to that conclusion?” Thinking fascinates me but no one else probably gives a shit (if you give one shit vs two shits, are more shits better or worse? Two thumbs up is better than one and five stars is better than four. But given the nature of shits, I feel like less shit would be better than more shits right?) See what I mean! Just something that popped into my head but is it worth a discussion? Do I have to let everyone know what I’m thinking about?

I am going to use our dev-project meetings to learn to be quiet … mentally and verbally. Because so what if I am curious. Is my question adding any value, especially when I know so little about our system! Questions and ideas are always sprouting, growing and branching off to sometimes dark places, but all of them aren’t worth pursuing or sharing. This is going to be easier for me to say than do because as soon as I get curious I get excited. “Ooooh! OMG!!! What if …” I will just bring to you all my irrelevant questions and you can help me figure them out. Deal? Yay!!!

Often I expect people to be up front with me because I am candid with them but I don’t think that’s how it works. Maybe most people don’t tell you how they truly feel … which sucks. We can learn lots from each other but only if we are being honest and you can be frank without being rude or mean. I think. But who know, people might be thinking I’m an asshole and I wouldn’t even know it. I don’t know if people appreciate honesty – The Boy doesn’t like it when I call him “Dré The Douche!” But at the moment, that is who you are. Of course you are not always a douche, and when you are being sarcastically funny, and thoughtful and helpful and compassionate I call you out for those things too. win-win right?

Extend but don’t overextend. A good brand is recognizable and meaningful to consumers – perhaps signifying emotional security, quality, reliability, safety, aesthetics, lifestyle identity or environmental sustainability.

Consumer familiarity can lead to faster acceptance when a company introduces a product in a new category. Ideally, a brand extension draws on and supports consumers’ existing understanding and image of the brand and its products. If a new product is too different from the brand’s existing products – for example, motorcycle manufacturer Harley-Davidson’s onetime introduction of a wine cooler – confusion may result, and the brand image may be at least temporarily tarnished.

Thing #61 of 101 Things I Learned in Business school

I am trying to imagine people who own Harleys drinking wine. When I think of motorbikes, I first think of choppers or cruisers and then I think of bike gangs and I can’t see those guys drinking wine. Once that passes, I think of racing and dirt bikes – I can imagine those riders drinking wine; the racing guys more than the dirt guys. Who says biker gang types cannot enjoy a glass of wine? Not me! But maybe if Harley made a beer cooler … lol.

I spent another half day looking for ROI scorecard templates and going down product management white paper rabbit holes. I am going to have to build this shit myself, and I gotta do it before the end of the month. And I am kinda reluctant to do it myself this time, probably stemming from the sting of the exec dashboard. Maybe I need to mourn my dashboard properly before moving on. Or I haven’t moved on because I didn’t mourn my dashboard properly. hmmmm when did I become attached to the dashboard anyway? It’s just digital paper, it is not a brand extension of me – is it? Does my dashboard signify emotional security, quality, reliability? Emotional security. Pfffft. who needs it! 😘 (👩‍🦱 is this an afro emoji?)

Although I want to be good at arting, I cannot forget the feeling and process of drawing – it’s very relaxing, when I just draw and forget about if/when I will get better. Last year this time, I couldn’t do what I am doing now. Often I equate progress with speed but maybe there are things you cannot speed up just as much as you shouldn’t speed them up because you lose the joy of doing the thing in the first place.

Vacuuming and washing the dishes can be relaxing as well, especially when I am not in a hurry or thinking about why the damn boys can’t pick up after themselves or wash their dishes! I vibe to my music, or the quiet or the hum of the vacuum and do my thing.

How you approach things makes a huge difference. Take a deep breath and go for it.

Tue Oct 12:

🎶 Hello my love, I heard a kiss from you. Red magic satin playing near, toooooo. All through the morning rain I gaze, the sun doesn’t shhhhhhhhine. Rainbows and waterfalls run through my mind. In the garden I see west purple shower bells and trees. Orange birds and river something dressed in green. Music I hear, so happy and loud, blue flowers echo from a cherry cloud 🎶

That song … the imagery reminds me of my Prozac induced dreams, which I don’t have enough experience to draw yet. Bring on the psychedelic functk (that’s a word – it’s music that functions to create a state of psychedeliphilia (that’s also a word 🙂 )

The second best thing about long weekends is the short week! Hee Haw Donkey Paw!!! If donkeys had paws they’d be able to climb trees and throw rocks at human beings who abuse them. DONKEY EREVOLUTION!!! – What’s that? Enough made up words for today?

I just bought myself a leather bag and I fully didn’t think about my minimalist vegan lifestyle (smh) My awareness is there, it happens way late. Come forward already!!! I will keep reading and exposing myself to that stuff, then it will become more conspicuous as I go about my life and dream about my sparsely furnished studio/bachelor lovepad.

I’m going to work on my Python code every day this week, until I fix it. I’m in the ballpark but I’m playing the wrong game. I don’t know how I feel about being close to the solution. In this case it frustrates me, but I have to remind myself to adjust perspective. I spend much time today looking for an ROI scorecard – hoping I don’t have to build one from scratch.

While I was drawing, the thought popped into my head, “What if I never get as good as I want to be?” I will continue to practice. This might be another one of my aggressive timelines. I won’t let the thought discourage me.

I loved how this scene looked – it wasn’t so easy to draw

Zoe sneezed today. Did you know rabbits sneeze? I guess any animal can sneeze if there’s dust or something in their nose. Confirmed by Google! “sneezing happens across all species.” I feel like I should have known that. It is easy to tell when animals trust you but it is not so easy with humans I think. Ratatouille and Snow looked so cute sleeping together this morning.

I have Grandma’s Hands by Bill Withers on repeat 🙂

Mon Oct 11:

Happy Thanksgiving!

What do you give thanks for? Do you only wait for special occasions to be grateful? Sometimes I forget, like with everything else. I am generally always happy. Unless I feel shitty or I’m in rage mode (or beast mode, as my ex so delicately put it). People also hurt my feeling, although I don’t like to admit it – I used to prefer to pretend that it didn’t bother me and my dad would say I’m too sensitive.

I now believe pain is/was behind all that rage. I am sure of it. Also, frustration and other emotions. (I don’t have the emotional wheel of terror with me – you remember why I call it that right? Because acknowledging your true feeling can be terrifyingly good for you!)

I am grateful for being more aware of and admitting to my “true” feeling in the last year than I have ever been in my life! I am also happy that I no longer value certain feelings over others. Thank you, therapy lady, whose name I can’t remember and whose homework I still haven’t done. 

As well, I have come to terms with and embrace my sensitive side. It’s ok to be vulnerable. If anyone said to me that a few years ago, I would have beat them with my trusty 2×4 that I carry in my pocket – it’s foldable. I whip it out like how the cops whip out their collapsible baton. Cha-Ching! Murdering people with sticks is fun! I encourage you to try it. 

Would you rather get in touch with your feeling or run about killing people?

This morning I ate sugary cereal. I don’t remember it being that sweet. Then I had potato chips and went back to bed after being swallowed and regurgitated by Python, over and over for about two hours. It’s a dance that I’ve grown to love. When I woke up for the third time, I decided to feed my body something nutritious – I had lentil soup with spinach and butternut squash. I was going to add cauliflower, but I changed my mind.

I am grateful for my love of vegetables and fruits! 🙂

I drew but it’s stupid stuff. I will share the good with the bad instead of the bad alone 🙂 – I got Shudder back for October. I am going to skip Toronto After Dark this year, especially since I still don’t have my vaccine passport.

Do you have to do all your sleeping at night? I am wondering if I am actually sleep deprived

Sun Oct 10:

Oy! I’m sleepy but guess what? I am on my last assignment for course one. I feel like my approach to everything is, “oh! That’s easy!” Then I try it and turns out it’s more complicated than it looked. I’m telling you this because that is exactly how I felt when I saw the last assignment. “cake!” “Oops. Not cake!”

Maybe it’s cause I’m sleepy too, can’t see what’s obvious. Hopefully I can complete my assignment tomorrow and, if I do, I would have achieved my goal! Hip hip – yay!!!

🎶 All I do is clean up poo. Day and night. 🎶

FYI – I love how rat paws feel on my fingers. Zoe bit my big toe on my left foot (not in a bad way), then later she bit my big toe on my right foot. AND I was so focused on my assignment that she scared me when she brushed by my foot. I lost my mind – that’s the real reason why I can’t finish the homework. My mind is still roaming. AND TOO Ratatouille bit my fingers, also not in a bad way – it feels like if you were to take your thumb and index finger on your dominant hand then gently squeeze the tip of your finger on the other. It’s enough pressure to know what’s happening, or freak you out a bit, but it doesn’t hurt. No blood’s been drawn. Yet.

Say hello to Avery and the Boy’s dirty room. She’s grown a lot in the last two years

Sleep tight!

Sat Oct 09:

Spoke to dad for two and a half hours this morning.

First he was surprised that I answered, then he was surprised that I spoke for so long. I told him it’s because he caught me before I started doing anything. We talked about the usual; religions, the human condition, a Great Course he just finished, Your Deceptive Mind: A Scientific Guide to Critical Thinking Skills, updates on the fam, his weekend plans (Pops is partying more than me – Saturday and Sunday night.)

My social calendar has been collecting dust for several years. I wanna say months but I’d be lying. My calendar is likely moth eaten by now. Do moths eat digital paper? What would digital paper taste like? Metallic and shockingly good 🙂

Did I ever tell you my dad had a hard time saying, “I love you.” Even to me. Crazy right! But today he said it with ease. Dad’s still learning and growing 🙂 I hope you are too.

If you didn’t know before, he’s the one I get my thirst for knowledge from, and also my overeating but definitely not my overspending and overthinking.

Well (heavy sigh) looks like I was a bit too aggressive with my timeline as usual. I am still stuck on assignment 3.3. Effin’ hell! When I feel myself getting ready to say, “Python you motherfucker! What do you want from me!?!?!” I take a break.

I don’t care what time it is, when this shit runs, I’m gonna run … around the house jumping, clapping and screaming loud AF.

Sam – RE: My Python Homework

Dré put me on to a Web Toons comic thriller Unknown Caller – augmented reality is built into the comic. I screamed when I saw the ghost girl in my room. She wasn’t so scary in episode one but two, she actually comes at you, fast. and I couldn’t finish 3 … as part of the comic, my phone rang. I answered and I saw the ghost; when she started crawling towards me, I closed the app. Holy … it was fun though.

I spend a few hours dancing and creating the new grown up change request form. Now me must go to shower and take pills. Good night!

Fri Oct 08:

It’s a long weekend baaaaaaaaby!

I was trying to complete all my week five assignments before talking to you, but I am grounded again. I got past the last one I was stuck on and I ran around the house screaming for like a minute – I was so proud. The boys didn’t even come to check on me, I coulda been getting eaten by a gigantic pigtopus.

Anyway, first I was stuck on 3.1 now I am stuck on 3.3. writing the problem out really helped me get to the solution so I may have to do the same again. I will quit for today as it is past my bedtime (at 12:30 am). I have two weeks left in course 1 and plan to complete it over the weekend.

I am not doing anything for Thanksgiving this year. I already told the boys – let them eat rice. My weekend plans? Homeworks! French and Python and art, and watching horror movies and eating (non junk). I might also do some work work – I have something on my mind.

I am slowly rabbit-proofing the living room. Today they were keeping me company while I worked. People say rabbits smell but I haven’t noticed it. Hope I ‘m not nose blind, like in those Febreze commercials. When Dee comes over she can tell me.

Archie getting ready to run and Zo getting ready to sleep
Archie offering to help me with work.
Nap time again

One day I will draw for you a pigtopus.

Thu Oct 07:

Yesterday I was a little bit TOed because of the exec dashboard thing but when I woke up this morning, everything looked different.

Yes my feelings are hurt but if I didn’t do the work, I would not have realized how much I love that stuff. Using Excel and having to figure out pivot tables and charts, led me to data science, which led me to Python. The Universe knows 🙂 So … whether my boss continues with the spreadsheet or not, I am grateful. I re-learned how much I love the process of investigating and figuring things out. Utility is important to me but also beauty – lots of things are useful and beautiful like me 😀 (that’s funny but it’s not a joke – that’s also funny). Tiny little things crack me up disproportionately. (I’m still laughing).

Did I tell you the other day Dré said to me, “You’re a special kind of retarded.” I can’t remember what I was doing, but that statement likely made me do it even more.

Today I also feel like I know exactly what my personal and work priorities are. I was so clear on everything when I woke up this morning. All the “Gods” from every religion must have visited me last night. I’m so special. 🎶 I’m so special, so special, so special 🎶 And yes, you are special too.

Staying clear on what my priorities are, once I remember in the moment, will prevent me from getting distracted when something new comes along that excites me and taper my tendency to want to help people do stuff. Fuck you! Fuck that! (lmao – if you laugh the hardest at your own jokes that’s alright, we have to be able to entertain ourselves when we’re alone/unplugged).

For the next six months, my personal priorities are:

  • Getting my Python certificate from UofM via Coursera
  • Conversing in French
  • Learning to draw.

By March or sooner, depending on the progress I make, I will readjust the list. Learning to draw will be on my list until I get a pass from Dee.

My work priorities:

  • Enterprise PMO related activities (including acting as PM on projects)
  • Portfolio management and by extension roadmap items
  • OKRs

I’m feeling fantastic about this list yeah!

I love my life and everybody in it!

Wed Oct 06:

I’ve been awake for ~ 18 hours, as of 7:30 pm ish. I think I am most productive when I am sleep deprived. I got a lot done today. Matt and his noisy ass woke me up after 1:00 am and I just couldn’t get back to sleep – I was supposed to go in the office today, but my head and face were hurting, likely cause I didn’t sleep AND I was stressed cause I had to get up and go to the office – I sent my boss an email at like 3:00 am. Fuck …

I don’t know what happened but the melatonin didn’t work last night. I have one month to try before chatting with my doctor again on next steps. I wanna sleep like I slept before I had kids and even when Dee was little, in my late teens early twenties

I think my boss wants to get rid of the spreadsheet that I worked so hard on – like why didn’t we just buy an app in the first place, if you want an app now. That upsets me but whatever … I am not wasting my time on certain things anymore. Took me three years to learn but I’m learned. That is, until I get excited about something new and volunteer like a dumb ass to get it done. Sometimes my reality sucks but it never bites!

And fuckin’ Python is decreasing my confidence level. I was hoping I wouldn’t get stuck on anything during the first course you know, but here I am … stuck. Anyway, I’m not discouraged. I will use the weekend to go over the course material and try to get my program running – there is only the calculation that I can’t figure out, requesting inputs from user is working and converting integer to float but all I get for output is the word “total” and not the value. 😦 to infinity.

🎶 I get so emotional baby. Every time I think of you oooooooh. I get so emotional baby. Ain’t it shocking what love can do. Ain’t it shocking what love can do. 🎶

Zoe seems to be thriving now that she doesn’t have big fat rabbits stepping all over her. Her and Archie are getting along well … they have two different personalities – he’s always bouncing and doing this crazy twisting hopping – he moves so quickly. and Zo is chill, but she’s younger so she sleeps more

Day three and the boy didn’t make it to school again. AGAIN!!! FML well … what’s next? I have no idea. None!

When life gives you good for nothing children, make …

Tue Oct 05:

Happy World Teacher’s day. I don’t have any teachers who are friends or any friends who are teachers, officially. But we all teach don’t we? Even when we don’t realize it, we’re teaching. I think we teach through our actions more than our words – we teach people how to treat us – our children learn from us – we teach ourselves 🙂

Zo is eating and pooping like a normal bunny now. She likes to eat cardboard more than her food I think, but she is definitely eating better – sometimes I have to put the food right under her nose to get her to eat, but she’s also eating more often by herself.

I am happy I could be a confidential, ventilation ear for people at work. 🎶 Joy to the world 🎶

Some guy that I don’t know is going to be in the office tomorrow – I don’t think we have to interact though, so that’s good.

Mon Oct 04:

I’m stuck on my week five Python assignment 😦 Have to do some searching

I hate when people say, “That’s not my job!” I wanna slap them upside their clueless heads. I’ll show you what your job is you fuck! Unfortunately for me, I cannot slap and swear at my co-workers. But there’s nothing stopping me from fantasizing about it.

My So I Don’t Go Funkin’ Insane list has been created in Microsoft To Do (the list formerly known as wunder). I started using To Do because Microsoft changed how I can organize my web version of Outlook – I can actually create a board view so I can see my important items, my calendar and take quick notes via sticky OneNote notes.

I’ve dumped my brain and I feel less stressed. Woohoo!

Guess what? The boy did not go to school today. He strolls out of his room rubbing his face at like 2:30 pm, when I am wrapping up my work day, “Hey Mom!”

Also, you cannot erase chalk. I should have started with pencil – I might try it again

Today Matt asked, “Hey Google, is it raining outside?’

If I was Google: “I don’t know muthafucka! You can’t look outside!?! Ain’t you got no windows bitch!?”

Sun Oct 03:

So remember on Friday I took the boys to Big Al’s to get a second rat and Matt’s bunny. Well when I was there, Dré and I saw a tiny tan and white bunny – we both loved her but couldn’t convince Matt to get her. She was the smallest in the bunch and just so cute. For the rest of the day on Friday, I just couldn’t get this bunny off my mind. Saturday morning, Matt woke up and realized he forgot to buy the litter box. I still had tiny bunny on my mind so I decided to accompany him to the pet store.

Before leaving Dré, Matt and I had a chat about maybe getting another bunny.

Matt: Mom we don’t need anymore pets.

Mom: I know but she was so cute and tiny, I feel like I need to get her out of there

Dré: Mom are you sure you want to get the bunny.

Mom: No. BUT if she is still there I am gonna bring her home.

Well what do you know? My beautiful bunny was still there and all the big bunnies were running around and she was just chillin’ I asked them if she was sick but essentially the woman told me, it’s just because she’s the smallest one. She’s even too young, ~ six weeks, for them to know what her sex is for sure.

Now I have a bunny I fell in love with on sight and felt I needed to rescue. Her name is Chisana (tiny in Japanese). Formerly known as Zoe and Mia. I feel like she’s not eating and pooping as much as I think she should, compared to Archie but he’s older/bigger. I’m gonna take her to the vet. She’s not lethargic and she seems happy otherwise but just incase.

This is home for now – when she’s not running around in the living room. She has to stay on the rug, the floor is too slippery, it’s like she’s ice skating.

Actually, no one likes Chisana so Zoe it is. Now they are in the living room hopping around together. Archie poos every second and Zo doesn’t at all. Good thing all they eat is veggies.

Now I just need a unicorn a dragon, a mustang and a hippo and I will open a petting zoo in the apartment.

Sat Oct 02:

🎶 Ben the two of us we look no more. We both found what we’ve been looking for. With a friend to call my own. I’ll never be alone and you my friend will see. You’ve got a friend in me. 🎶

My laptop is acting stupid. The icons look weird. All the desktop shortcuts are double and the windows leave a trail and chunks of my taskbar is missing. I can’t even get to my other keyboard. So … I am going to shut down this bad boy and share with you tomorrow. I have a surprise 🙂

Fri Oct 01:

Yo! I think the melatonin is working. I’m still waking up just as much but last night I was back to sleep within minutes.

We now have two rats, one bunny, a bunch of fish and one snake (a ball python) OOOOOOOH … Python. We went to EAT BKK for dinner.

I can’t remember what I ordered but it was yummy w/ basil, mushrooms and vegan chicken – they have a vegan menu 🙂 My lips were burning and my nose was running but not gross like where it was getting in my food 🙂
Matt and the two month old bunny that doesn’t have a name yet

Good night!

Thu Sep 30:

Today is National Day for Truth and Reconciliation I went looking for my orange tee, thought I bought one but obviously it slipped my mind. I don’t have anything orange, not even a headband. My boss and our sales director wore orange tees. I’d like to write a poem, not just any poem but one that highlights the contributions Indigenous folks have made but I gotta educate myself first – I don’t have anymore bandwidth right now, but it’s on my to-do list.

This morning I woke up to a wolf on my ceiling … if I didn’t snap out of my dream he definitely would have bitten my face off. Wow we are 3/4 of the way through the year, looking back it feels like things moved quickly. This last quarter is going to be busy at work. I find that I love the exactness of programming – but that is what also makes it frustrating AF. I finished my latest assignments, it took me about 15 min to figure out what was wrong in the first one and I think I overcomplicated the solution for the second one, even though I got the right answer. I have have had two less lines of code if I did it with experience.

btw Ratatouille loves apples – do you think there are LGBTQ rats?

I had to force myself to draw today but I did it.

Trying to draw from real life and my imagination

Wed Sep 29:

Hmmm … I think I am about a month ahead in the Python program if I finish week four in course one by the end of September. Cool right … The more I learn the more excited I get, I cannot wait to be able to apply Python in the wild. To be able to synthesize info from all over the place – woohoo! I haven’t spoken to our IT guy in a while. Hi Noah 👋

Would you rather be a human whisperer or a giraffe bather? I am afraid of heights so giraffe bather is not in the cards for me unless I only need to wash their feet. Today I though my dad died. Cause my uncle contacted me and he never contacts me and I was supposed to get back to him when I got home but I fell asleep. So for whatever reason after waking that thought just popped in my head.

Dad is alright.

The Boy asked me if he could stay home tomorrow because a new season of Baki is coming out. I shouldn’t be surprised but I was cause we just had the conversation and an argument about doing shit. Watching anime doesn’t count. ugh. Good Lord!

Tue Sep 28:

I’m a high-functioning muthafucka! You betta recognize.

Sam

I was invited to my first project related client meeting in a long time but I’m not the lead, mainly there to offer administrative support.

You know I love my boss right. BUT … sometimes it is really stressful working with him cause when I try to get his attention on stuff, if it isn’t pants on fire, butt burning where’s the waterhose urgent, he doesn’t give it any attention but then when it is due last year so now it’s uber urgent AF, I have to rush through it and that stresses me cause I feel I am going to make a mistake and he also talks really fast at those times too. He’ll ask if anyone has questions, but everything is moving so fast I cannot think. At the same time, maybe it is good for me to get out of my comfort zone and out of my head cause when the zombie apocalypse comes I will look back on these interactions and be thankful as I will have to move and think fast.

FYI – sometimes I spell words so wrong even Google auto correct can’t help me. (I believe I’ve told you this before). Matt was listening to Frank Sinatra earlier today 🙂

I woke up at 7:00 pm and I was like, “Whoa! Did I sleep through the night?” Yesterday I managed to stay up until 9:30 pm but I still woke up multiple times even though I took 10 mg of melatonin, but I felt more rested than usual in the morning. Today I napped around 4:30 and I set my alarm for 5:30 pm but couldn’t get up when it went off.

Say hi to Ratatouille – the newest member of the family

I’m supposed to do a little bit of my Python course three days a week but I prefer to do three to five hours on Sat/Sun – This first course is seven weeks long and I have five more to go – I can’t wait to get to Retrieving, Processing and Visualizing Data with Python 🙂 OMG! OMG!

They say the entire specialization takes eight months to complete if you are doing three hours a week.

Mon Sep 27:

All day my head’s been hurting. It feels like my head is in a vice and it’s squeezing and squeezing – soon my brains are gonna bust outta my forehead and my eyes are going to exit their sockets like SpaceX rockets. lol 🎶 I feel shitty oh so shitty 🎶 Notwithstanding all of that, I made it though a very busy and rewarding day 🙂 We now have a first draft of our product vision statement. Sweet right !!!

I feel like I was in a lot of meetings today, but I wasn’t. It’s almost 5 pm and I’ve been up since 2:17 am but I made it through the day – Spoke to my doctor this morning and she suggested I start with small dosage of melatonin 1.5 hrs. before bed and attend a CBT for insomnia clinic. Plus to try and cut out my Zacnaps or take shorter naps. But I personally feel like my naps aren’t a problem, I had insomnia before I started taking Prozac. I’m glad my boss encouraged me to go to doctor. AND my dosage is going up to 80 mg.

Normally I usually jump back into bed right after I finish work anywhere from 2:30 to 4:00 pm depending on when I started work. Even on Wednesdays, when I get home, I wash my hands, get naked and jump into bed. lol. I’m trying really hard to not sleep but I’ll probably fall asleep standing up. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

I got into an argument with the Boy yesterday – maybe that’s why I have such a massive headache today. I cried and after our argument I felt like eating junk or buying a bunch a shit but I did 20 jumping jacks instead. It helped. Plus, I cannot let him ruin my life.

Dré has a way of letting me know that I am a total failure as a mom and nothing I do helps him or has ever helped him in his entire lazy good for nothing life. Well … you’d think that would make him fuck off faster but nooooooooo. If I don’t do shit for you, if I’ve never done shit for you, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL HERE!!!! AND he does this thing where he can deflect the argument so it’s like we are not even focusing on his issues anymore but taking around them. He likes to compare himself to the things that I am bad at, like my overeating and my over spending and I find that so ridiculously stupid

… He ignores all the other things that I am fantastic at and my mostly flawless character lol … my work ethic, my adaptability, my drive, my knack for learning complex shit, my resilience, my determination, my kick ass sense of humor.

Sam

That’s like me ignoring all the great stuff that Elon Musk has done, is doing and saying well, Elon always wears his shoes on the wrong foot and he doesn’t wipe his butt properly (don’t ask me how I know) so if I can’t get up and go to work my boss should just deal with it and keep paying me cause you know, I been working on trying to get to work for five years – that should count for something right?!?!?! Fuckin’ ridiculous!

Plus … The Boy had the nerve to talk to me about his free time – you had free time your whole teenage life cause you ain’t been doing shit. Fuck your free time!

Fuckin’ douche! Why would you want to pick out the worse parts of someone and look at it and say .. ” you suck at that and I suck at this so it’s ok. I’m ok aspiring to doing my best sucking ever.” God! Anyway … I got us back on track by telling him something like, “Forget about what I cannot do cause this conversation isn’t about me. Whether I’ve slept or not I go work. I have obligations and I fulfill them. So what are you going to do to fulfill your obligations? How long you been working on your sleep schedule?” In the end we got down to, him leaving the house Monday to Friday at 11:30 am – today was a success and I’m tracking that shit. You got the opportunity to make your own schedule, which most don’t get to do, you better fuckin’ stick to it.

Today we seem to be on good terms, he asked me about cost of getting his own place and paying bills … I told him again, “I don’t have a problem helping you until you’re fully on your feet, but not if you’re sitting in your room all day doing nothing.” He nods like he understands … until next time.

BTW – In the last seven years, being a mom to these boys has been a thankless piece of shit job that I can’t fuckin’ quit. I can checkout but I can’t quit. Shhhhhhhhhhit.

And for the record bitch: I’ve already achieved. I will continue to achieve in spite of what you believe about me cause that’s who I be! Fuck potential. What are you doing right now? What actions are you taking right now that’s going to make a difference in your life and the life of others?

Sam

Sun Sep 26:

Can you tell the state of a relationship by how the couple walk with each other in leisurely public places? Parks, trails, sidewalks, malls (malls might not be a good sample cause sometimes you are in a hurry and you may separate to get more done faster so you can get out of there quicker). Or that’s just me. Often I see “male” partners (an assumption) sitting in chairs waiting. I rarely see “females” doing the same.

As you know, I like watching people go about their business and making up stories.

FYI – my cash diet crashed and burned. I went back to using my credit card(s). I’m running a deficit, at least it’s not massive like/as the national one. I’m upset with myself. That’s probably why I had that dream about the delivery guy. I will try again. Vegan dough or die.

I am officially a Pythonista!!! Wrote my first one-liner statement today and submitted my assignment – week 2 done and dusted! Hooray!

I forgot to include the brackets so when I went to run the program I got an error – but this was easy to figure out cause it simply told me what was wrong
Running 🙂

Dré went out to buy a live rat for Avery. Brough the rat home and decided to keep it. Now we have Ratatouille in our living room across from the fish. AND he has to get another rat cause them is social animals like us AND now Matt wants two guinea pigs. I told them their pet food money is coming out of their food/food money.

This Procreate work isn’t done but I have a feeling I won’t be finishing it. Welcome to my bedroom!

Title: BEFORE I MADE MY BED. When I haven’t taken over the living room, to the left is my art and language desk and on the right is where I do work work, which is also creative work, I think.

I am going to hold off on calling myself a vegan for a little while until I am sure dairy isn’t in my diet. It’s the one thing that’s been difficult for me to avoid. Dairy in the form of butter/milk in baked goods and chocolate. Casein. I forgot about ghee and I had roti the other day (I don’t know if it had ghee or not cause I forgot to ask and it didn’t even occur to me until days later.) My mom always made roti with ghee so the percentage of it being in there is high. I am good at remembering eggs, all meats, fish and even cheese but dairy sneaks in. It’s hard to see. I have to remember to read everything before I eat it. And I want to extend my vegan lifestyle to products I buy as well. I’d like to be a well rounded full moon vegan. For now me is a vegetarian who needs to make sure there is absolutely no animal products in any form in her diet.

Bonjour lundi.

Sat Sep 25:

Problem! Ready to make my second movie but realized I have nowhere to setup my greenscreen. Where I was going to setup doesn’t give me enough space to move the props about and stand up the camera. Have to reorganize so I can film when ready without having to worry about setting up every time. My filming spot. My old filming spot was the dining table. When I have my own place, I will have an art room that I will probably only use 25% cause I will do 90% my work in the living room with the TV watching me. (I like when percentages don’t add up to 100 and why should they!) [Data science! Here I come} lol!

I published my first erotic poem today – this is one of those ones where I write and feel I should keep to myself, but I promised no censorship of self. I haven’t read an erotic poetry but I plan to and I didn’t even know it was a thing until I thought to classify mine; I feel it could also be short erotic fiction, like a quickie. Erokie lol no. Sound too much like enoki. AND the poem is a bit disturbing – imagine someone was watching you and thinking all kinds a sex shit – creepy. When you think about the gender roles does the creepiness change? What about if there is a major age difference of 20+ years (but no one is under the age of consent)? Since I like this poem, hardly anyone else will 🎶 That’s just the way it is. Somethings will never change. 🎶

Speaking of reading, I haven’t read anything from my WordPress community lately. My arm still hurts from where they took my blood. Is that normal? Should I be concerned? I woke up stuck in my dream where a delivery guy was at my door telling me I’m ordering too many fatty foods and he was trying to convince me to change my eating habits and while we were standing in my doorway my hair kept growing and growing but only I noticed it, he just kept talking like nothing was happening.

This enneagram shit is confusing – I thought I was a five but now I think I’m an eight, maybe a seven … the more I read the more unsure I get; it’s not supposed to work that way. ugh. And then numbers and connected and disconnected and numbers point to other numbers and all numbers have wings. Why do I even care? I can’t even remember how I got here. I didn’t know about enneagrams last week, now it’s a big deal. smh.

Fri Sep 24:

Just finished week 1 of Python for Everybody! six weeks to go.

Did you know that Python’s been around for about twenty-five years? And it was named after Monty Python’s Flying Circus NOT the snake. I believe my love of languages can extend to programming languages as well right. The instructor is funny; at this moment I feel I picked the right language to learn and won’t let my incredibly, remarkably horrific experiences with Assembler, C and C++ worm its way into my learning. I will remember how great I felt once the compiler compiled after hours of frustration. Plus I feel I am a more patient being. Let’s see if I am still in love by week three. I’m looking forward to doing the assignments.

I already installed Python and I have to install an editor, like a Notepad++ or some other one they recommended for the course.

Ooooh … I have a ways to go before I can draw from real life but I am going to keep trying – got encouragement from Dee and Sabs. I will mix my real-life drawings with copying the masters and see what I can continue to learn from folks on YouTube. I think that will help cause I really want to be able to draw from real life and eventually from my fantastic imagination.

😦 I am disappointed but alright. I have a plan, which always makes me feel better 🙂

The Boy stayed home all day. I have to think about what I will do differently next week then I will have ANOTHER chat with him.

Thu Sep 23:

Yesterday I forgot to insert the page break but I liked how it looked without. When I start my October journal, I won’t use page brakes (screech!!!!)

I’ve come to the following realization: it is not that I don’t like color it is that I don’t know how to use color yet and this why I prefer my black and white art.

I was going to buy myself a heartrate arm band – with every beat of my heart I’ve always found the chest ones to be annoying. Anyway, I decided I will save up for a new Apple Watch instead.

Finally went out for my ECG, blood work and ultrasound. This old guy was getting his blood taken and said, “Doesn’t anybody smile anymore?” I smile all the time but if I were taking your blood I wouldn’t be smiling anymore. I’d likely be wincing and vomiting, Wincing when poking you with the needle and vomiting by the time the blood starts gushing into the holder thingy. Amounting to a pleasant experience for the both of us. I am very happy I came to my senses; I would have been miserable if I became a nurse. ugh what was I thinking. That was one of my many disillusioned moments, so likely I wasn’t thinking.

BTW – I don’t want to be frail and elderly. That shouldn’t even be a thing. I want to be fit, fabulous AF and elderly, a strong, sexy, independent senior. I’ll show you frail you fuck!

Sam

I believe I can safely say I haven’t had a sever moment of disillusionment since working at this new place, although I was ready to quit with ever interaction with our good for nothing nosales guy. I even went on a few interviews and funny enough one of the guys interviewing me said, if it’s only one person that’s spoiling it for you do you really want to leave? Well the answer was no and here I am still. They should have called him the VP of Bullshit or the Master of Manipulation. I still don’t understand why we promote people to their level of incompetency – and if you accept a promotion then it is incumbent upon you to get smart ASAP not just to coast. I hate coasters. If I can’t put my drink on you, get the fuck outta here.

One day I will get arrested for kicking people down the stairs in the subway .., I swear to God! You stop in front of me in a high traffic area to check your phone I’ll break your neck.

My enneagram test results – I still have to read and see which one sounds most like me and I don’t know if I can only be one number

There is no way I will be able to finish my presentation this week, I forgot yesterday that I took Thursday afternoon and Friday off.

I have four Prozac pills left which makes no sense cause I’m supposed to be taking three at a time. It doesn’t matter though, I stopped taking my pills again. Today I learned that pastels are not blendable. Pastels! You suck! I need to get into the habit of having separate but same type of paper so I know how the colors will look before I add it to my main art – same like putting new fish directly into my display tank. I need quarantine paper. Years from now I will look back on my first few sketchbook and lol. I like listening to old Motown/R&B when I draw and sometimes too when I am writing my poems.

This is me channeling Andy 😦 I also needed to make her bigger to fill the space (sad face too/two)

Wed Sep 22:

Dee and I made it to the Andy Warhol exhibit – it rained and rained and rained. I was waiting to see pigs and octopuses and rabbits. Nothing!!! :(: and my hair got wet and all was still right with the world 🙂

First we went to Planta on Queen then we walked over to AGO. I started my AI presentation; I hope to finish by the end of the week AND it’s official – I will be learning Python yay! The course is about programing and data retrieval, analysis and visualization. OMG!!! Whenever I learn new stuff I think about how I can incorporate what I am learning into my art/poetry. I think everyone does that right?

Tomorrow I will share with you some pics from the exhibit. I was on the phone for almost two hours trying to get my vaccine passport in order. They couldn’t find me in the system. Shoppers finally found me but I have to go back to Public Health again. ugh!

BTW – Dee said I should start drawing my ninja model because I don’t have to do the entire body, I can focus on the feet or just one foot or the hand. When I think of the individual body parts it doesn’t feel as overwhelming and even if I am disappointed with the results it won’t be soul crushing. So I’m gonna go for it.

Bonne nuit!

Tue Sep 21:

I’m very excited cause I finished my AI for Beginners course, I don’t know what to do next thought. I will have to do some research to see where I go next. I asked them for suggestions. Maybe next I will check to see if there is a program somewhere with a number of courses that will get me to somewhere. Before going to bed I will see what I can find. I signed up to test new courses and mentor people as it related to AI don’t know if I’ve been approved yet. I’m also hoping to get the boys interested but no luck so far. Tomorrow I will start working on my presentation for sharing what I learned with the rest of the organization.

The last section of AI for Beginners was wonderful because it covered AI and society which touched on topics of bias/discrimination and attacks – as well as the importance of ethics as we continue on our AI adventure.

Oooh … you know what else I learned today, A roadmap doesn’t have to be just themes based, you can organize based on OKRs, north star, now/next/later and another one but I will continue with themes for now … one method isn’t better than another, it’s just a different way of doing the same thing and ultimately the point is to ensure you don’t have a list of features on your roadmap.

I spoke to my sister today and her stupid bf that I can’t stand was there … he’s always fuckin’ there. WTF. Maybe it just happens to be that way, unfortunate for me. She’s planning to have a party for my niece

So … if I tell you to be out of the house from 9:00 am to 4:00 pm Monday to Friday, is that not clear? He left at 10:30 today so we are getting closer.

I have a bunch of markers and today I discovered that I cannot use them in my Moleskine sketchbook … the paper isn’t thick enough and I messed up my sketch from yesterday cause it bled through the paper 😦 Test everything … now I have a few unusable pages, but I might be able to do some abstract something.

I finished my work day around noon … I wanted to meet up with Sharon for lunch/dinner but she didn’t get any of her vaccines yet. Plus, I went online to get my passport and it’s telling me it doesn’t have a record of me getting my vaccines. Do you remember when they vaccinated a whole bunch of people for measles or flu but it turns out they were infecting you with an alien virus? I bet you don’t know what show that’s from and I’m not telling.

I’m supposed to go into the office tomorrow but I haven’t heard from Jer … I don’t want to sit there alone but I have to go downtown anyway for the Warhol exhibit so maybe I will go even if I don’t hear from him but later in the day I will get there, instead of 7:00 am

Mon Sep 20:

Today I danced and was screaming and singing along like I was in a club – soon baby soon. 🙂 🎶 I hear you be the block, but I’m the lights that keep the streets on. Notice you the type, that like to keep them on a leash though. I’m known to walk alone, but I’m alone for a reason. Sending me a drink ain’t appeasing. Come harder, this won’t be easy, don’t doubt yourself trust me, you need me. Partner lemme upgrade you. 🎶

The Boy went to school today … he didn’t leave the house at 9:00 am though … he left like noon.

Tickets for Andy Warhol exhibit bought. Dee and I are gonna make it a date … dinner and art. I think the last time we went out for dinner, just her and I, was way before the pandemic … that’s what happens when you live together. I think that’s what happens in relationships too … shit just gets regular and you have to be with someone who appreciates the irregular just as much. You know … “let’s go have sex in the park on the swing.” (not the baby swing, some guy got stuck in there and died cause it cut off his circulation – true story, saw it on 1000 Ways to Die on Spike TV.) OR … “remember that thing we saw in that porn flick, I wanna try it.” “let’s pretend to have seizures while we’re having sex.” “let’s … I’ll save that for another time.” lol.

Do you remember the guy who got electrocuted cause he tried to make his own organic sex machine with a cow heart or something? Hydroflow …

I plan to take a nude pic of myself and draw it – Nude selfies are a right of passage for artist – I didn’t make that shit up! A few years ago I took a pic of myself, a provocative over the shoulder of my back and butt. I looked sexy. It’s out there on the internet somewhere – probably on FetLife. lol. I like pictures like that, rather than full on frontal nudity … Most men don’t get that. I fuckin’ hate dick pics, especially unsolicited ones.

Back in 2015 when I ventured into online dating, I’d get so many DPs and I couldn’t understand why. Then my friend Boris looked at my profile and told me I should change my tag line from, Let’s Have Some Fun to something that doesn’t invite sex. “What?!?!? Since when does having fun only include sex!?!?! Jesus!” That was my response to Boris. A part of me didn’t believe him but he was right, cause I changed it to just my first name or I might have left it blank and sure enough … no more dick pics. Also … I used to be online late at night just something to do cause I couldn’t sleep … well, even without my fun tagline, men still thought I was trolling for sex cause it was after midnight (that’s when the freaks come out) Lesson learned. (heavy sigh)

Will I ever be ready to start dating again?

Messed up the face again 😦 And it’s charcoal so I had to leave it

I’m having a lot of fun copying artist … I feel ready to try drawing my ninja character – working up the courage. Sometimes I avoid doing things because I don’t want to be disappointed by the results.

Sun Sep 19:

The television is watching me cause I’m so damn interesting, even when all I am doing is sitting and reading. lol.

I bought a bag … a black Rudsak structured leather tote to be exact. It’s beautiful and it’s black, like almost everything else in my closet except my shoes – I think it will go well with my Vans, high-tops, slip-ons. I spend part of the day reading InGenius – was looking to finish the book today but then I mustered up the courage to go outside and get my bag.

Do you know who Morley is? I was looking through his book when I got home, Let’s Burn This Moment Down to the Filter – that book caught my eye after I found my bag. NOW … I am looking for a colorful laptop sleeve, that I cannot find … I may end up buying a plain gray sleeve and coloring it myself flowers and hearts and music and geometric shapes and stuff – I’ll get some Sharpies and go to town. And I wonder if maybe when I get bored I can just color over it again? Neat right!

Today I lost my pencil … I forgot I stuck it in my hair; right across the top of my head. I found it when I looked in the mirror. I thought I lost my Line Friends portable charger, but I found it when I was transferring things from my old bags to the new one 🙂

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the weekend could continue for another five days? I always have a mini meltdown on Sunday 99.9% of me is not looking forward to the week … I just accept now, knowing that I will be fine until next Sunday.

Aside from bedbugs, what else can bite you when you sleep? Killer rabbits from outer space? Your spouse/a family member? How about karma? When karma bites does it leave marks? I think you can consider acid reflux a bite. Centipedes can bite, but I don’t have to worry about that until I go to Guyana.

it’s a cool night. Instead of sleep walking or sleep cooking or sleep eating, I recommend sleep fighting! OR – you could fight and pretend to be sleeping – then no one can blame you for your bad behavior and you get to manage your anger in the worst way, without actual confrontation, if that’s an issue for you, cause maybe you are passive-aggressive or something else might be unright with you. I am not passive, I’m just aggressive.

Sat Sep 18:

See … I felt so lazy yesterday I couldn’t bring myself to hit the UPDATE button.

Went with Matt to get his second vaccine. I had fun hanging out with him and dancing in the street. I feel like maybe I used up a lot of brain power during the week – reading everything I could get my hands on about roadmaps and product management and vision and strategy. I skimmed and scanned about twenty eBooks, not to mention websites … maybe now I have to have a lazy weekend to recoup all my energy just to do it again next week 🙂

Next Wednesday I go see the Andy Warhol exhibit with Dee.

I finally watched Hobbs and Shaw en français.

🎶 I wrote a poem! I wrote a poem! About a dragonfly! Dragonfly! 🎶 Dragonfly my friend!!!

Do you ever feel totally connected to everything? Like, you could see yourself in everyone and everything and because of that you cannot be mean or compassionless or indifferent. Do you know what I mean? Of course, I think you cannot feel that way all the time but it feels good to feel it … and NO! I am not high! But I am very sleepy. Did I tell you I made an appointment to talk to the doctor about my sleeplessness.

Fri Sep 17:

I think Dré is rubbing off on me – I feel exceptionally lazy today.

I didn’t draw. I didn’t write. I didn’t French. I didn’t exercise. The Boy and I did go for a walk around 4:30 am this morning but I don’t count that as exercise; it was more of a stroll. Do you get cravings for salad?

The UV light for my tank didn’t come yet – tankfully, 🙂 I haven’t lost any other fish.

Thu Sep 16:

Guess what? The board members loved my dashboard AND my boss said I did a good job on the brain storming session today – I was nervous cause I never facilitated a BS session before (BS lol). I have some improvements to make on the dash but them is minor. Yay! I’m so proud a me!!! I’m a week behind my workout program with Kenta but I’m doing it. Yay!!! Another reason to be proud – although … I could really use some gummies right now :()

I have nothing else to share … gonna go shower in my proudness, torment the boys a bit then go to bed!

Wed Sep 15:


I seem to have a knack for running into people who are holding onto their sanity by a thread on the TTC. I don’t miss seeing homeless people sleeping on subway grates. BTW … I don’t usually walk on grates, I feel like I may fall in … it’s akin to walking on the glass floor of the CN Tower. I definitely couldn’t sleep on one … well I probably would if I were homeless.

Me had chocolate and oat milk latte patatte. (hmmm the chocolate probably had milk in it … damnit! I still forget to check). Jer and I had lunch at Plant Burger … I have to buy us lunch next week 🙂

Dré made it out the house today … Went to pick up his schedule and buy his groceries. Before he left he called to say he felt something bad was going to happen … I spoke to him when I got home but he said that feeling was different from his usual anxiety.

I probably won’t draw today … my body isn’t use to the commute, neither is my mind – I’m tired AF when I get home and I still feel like I am wasting time during my commute – I know exactly what else I’d be doing. On Wednesday’s I cannot do my French during lunch … I will have to move it to the morning – once I sit at my desk I will do that before starting actual work

Matt started his French class, we agreed to parle en français beaucoup

I slept wrong and now my neck and back hurt. Merde!!!

Tue Sep 14:

Yello! I tried to give away the 18 year old but nobody want a lump of crap in their home – including me.

I had a chat with him today and told him, as of next week he cannot be in the house during the day just sitting about doing nothing … well not nothing, he watches YouTube reaction videos, anime and reads manga. I’m like dude, I don’t care if you have to go to the library or an employment resource center but you cannot be home from 9 am to 4 pm EST.

Today he asked me to make sloppy joes and I said no. He reminded me that I said I would. Well, I reserve the right to change my mind. The boy got all salty and went back in his room … I sent him the recipe. He can cook it himself if he wants. Yesterday Matt went out, bought his groceries, I helped him prep his dish and when he got home from school he cooked. Yay!!! Easy peasy. And I didn’t mind helping Matt in the kitchen because he helps himself.

We’ll see what happens next week. Dré was supposed to go to school to workout his timetable, that didn’t happen. He was supposed to go buy his groceries … that didn’t happen. I had to remind him not to eat my food and go buy his own.

Base your prices on value to the customer, not on your costs. It’s vital to know the costs of bringing a product or service to a customer, as well as the competition’s pricing. But customers are unlikely to know a business’s costs or markup on what it provides. A business therefore shouldn’t base its prices on markups it thinks customers will deem reasonable. It should instead base them on the customers’ perception of the value provided.

Perception of value can be particularly variable in service industries. For example, a graphic design firm that creates a logo for a multinational corporation provides much greater value than a similar logo for a small indie store. The small business might use it on a store sign, shopping bags and customer receipts, but a large organization may feature it at every scale, from business cards to convention banners to billboards and every medium from clothing crests to television commercials.

Thing # 67 in 101 Things I Learned in Business

I was suppose to go to a webinar today on data science but I got the dates wrong, it’s in October. I think I figured out the problem with the Excel chart …

Mon Sep 13:

🎶 There are times, when you’ll need someone, I will be by your side. I’ll take my chances before they pass … pass me by. There is a light that shines, special for you and me. You need to look at the other side and you’ll agree. Darling open your eyes
Let me show you the light, you may never find a love that’s right
🎶

I had a fab training session with Jer. Maybe if I help with QA or something I will get the hang our our system and it will stick to my forehead like my Vans stickers

My boss is showing the dashboard to a board member … it feels really really really super fantastic that when things I create are out in the wild … I won’t know if I need to change/add anything until later this week during our 1:1 likely.

“Hello! My name is Sam. How may I be of service?”

“On your knees! Crawl to me!”

“The fuck!!! Dude! We’re in the office and I said Sam NOT samedi. Professional service. Professional.”

That’s what happens when you mix business with pleasure … don’t do it … lol

I am looking forward to our Christmas/Holiday party already. I plan to stay in town for the weekend … A mini get fucked up getaway. Except I have to drive … I’ll get sauced in my hotel room. Maybe I’ll get lucky by staying up all night and hanging out my window as required, yelling, “Free sex … room 715. Free sex … room 715. Come and get it!”

I’m too sexy for my jokes.

BTW … I haven’t had any alcohol since August something. Whenever it was that my last stash finished. I haven’t even been high.

Dré stayed home all day … I’m gonna have to have a chat with him … you can’t stay home all day doing nothing … you’re schooling or working or finding work. You’re 18 muthafucka and summer is over. He cooked left his shit all over the place and twice I had to tell him to clean up WTF … And all he did was put the dishes in the sink. You ain’t doing shit and you can’t do Shit! Fuuuuuuuuuck! I’m about to lose my shit.

Today I drew at my creative desk in my bedroom. Normally I’d sit on the floor in the living room and draw but the Boys were hanging out there.

Sabs said I am getting gooder and inspiring her to draw again – they mostly use Adobe stuff for work

FYI … Tonica is now my favourite kombucha … Rise taste bad, like they changed the formula now that they got bigger. And Synergy is just whatever and Remedy is awful.

Sun Sep 12:

The weekend is already over, can you believe it?

I have two weeks to go on my AI for Beginners course. Tweeks 🙂 I’m looking forward to starting the presentation, it will help to solidify my understanding.

While cleaning my fish tank this morning I noticed white dots on a few fish. Not good. Likely my tank is infected with ich. Maybe that is why so many of my fish have been dying but I don’t recall seeing white dots on them. At first I though it was my filter because I forgot to wash off the media before changing it. It’s not easy to get rid of ich. 😦

Even thought I’ve been told not to have a quarantine tank the stuff I read today said I should so I don’t introduce sick fish into the display tank. Well too late now. I am preparing myself for the potential of losing all fish. Because the bacteria (I think it’s bacteria) has three life cycles they might already be infected … tomorrow I will buy a UV sterilizer to kill the ich floating around but I can’t do anything for the fish that are already infected. Sorry guys 😦

I guess it had to happen at some point … I won’t introduce any more fish for three months at least – setting up my quarantine tank firstI can’t remember how long they said to keep them in the QT – when I’m ready to start I will check again.

I’m increasing the Boys grocery money to 75$ a week. I’m still not cooking for them – Matt will have to get more money for lunch stuff but that’s it …. Dré will have to get a job if that’s not enough for him. Move out … pay your own damn phone and internet and rent and food and quit sucking up all my apartment air and fuck off.

Sat Sep 11:

I picked up my movie posters today … I walked about 5k in total. At first I made all kinds of excuses for why I shouldn’t walk … It’s too hot out; it’s too far; I don’t have proper walking shoes; what if I need to pee; what if I take the bus there and walk back or vice versa; I could get off a few stops early.

In the end I did it and it wasn’t nearly as hot or too far and I made it there and back without having to pee. When I had about 900 m to go my feet did start to hurt, it felt like I had jagged pebbles in my right shoe.

Don’t believe everything you tell yourself, it might prevent you from doing what’s good.

Sam

Today I learned that chalk and charcoal are difficult to erase.

I messed up the faces – still partial to black and white vs colour

Main event of the day: The boys trying to kill a spider in the bathroom. I told them to call their sister and I realized how sexist that was. Why do I expect boys to be ok with killing stuff – like it’s not ok for them to be afraid of spiders. I apologized for being sexist.

Ok … so after you’ve realized your bias how do you get rid of it? (homework) … in reflecting after my encounter with the homeless guy I realized that I seem to think, automatically, that homeless people are crazy. I don‘t even know where that came from.

I am happy that I’ve never waited for, or relied on, my employer, any of them, to further my professional development. I am responsible for educating myself.

Have you seen the Freedom Mobile commercial where the dad is happy to have the house to himself cause the kids are back to school? They must be university kids though. I know exactly how he feels. My day will come.

Fri Sep 10:

My butt hurts … I ordered anal sex yesterday from Instacum. The experience didn’t live up to the romantic encounter I fantasized.

Officially, for the record, I am joking, incase you didn’t get that already. Do you think you can buy romance with the sex? Do you have to love someone to make love to them? Do men who buy sex, care about romance? Maybe instead of pursuing portfolio management and data science and machine learning and strategy, I should train to become a sex worker. I’d like to work in an industry that’s regulated, for my own protection and complete a sex worker course, that is not taught by a pimp but actual front line sex workers where I get a framed certificate when done. Oh joy 🙂 I think in some countries sex workers are sex workers by choice; I hope but I have no idea. My sex worker name will be Samedi.

I ate junk … soda and potato chips. Good news … still going strong on my cash diet. Tomorrow I go to pick up my movie posters – I am super excited. Got 90% on my first quiz from AI for Beginners My boss wants me to share the knowledge with the team … Once the course is complete I will put together a presentation – I have lots of notes already so shouldn’t be too hard … just have to make sure I am concise and succinct. Today I learned that true/real data scientist have to know Python and statistics … Is that going to stop my journey? Hell to the no, but it will slow me down a bit.

I noticed my like of butterflies, I make reference to them in my poetry, not a lot but enough. I also like dragonflies. My next poem will have a dragonfly in it. I especially love how dragonflies move about, they remind me of hummingbirds.

It’s about time for me to update my LinkedIn … there are things I value that I don’t mention in my profile, variety and autonomy (which can mean to some that I am not a team player – But I so am, and if that is how you think, feel free to pass on me) I also don’t mention my hobbies. I want to express myself as a person, the person that I am, NOT the employee you might want … I also value authenticity … this is part of the reason why I love where I am … I get to be me, through and through … Priceless

My landlord is telling me I own them 50$ to cover the rent increase from May but I paid it, says so in my account. I tell them to check their records and instead of replying to my email they put a piece of paper in my mailbox with the same info. Idiots … I’d like to think I’m a patient, easy going person but stupid and inconsiderate makes me Hulk angry. On Monday I am going to go downstairs and stuff that paper notice down her fuckin’ throat and kick the shit outta her maskless douche of a husband. “You want 50$ I don’t owe you! Here. Fuckin’ eat it! But first … I will triple check to make sure I am right.

Cheers to varietas and authenticus. I hope you get to be you and are working on being a better version of yourself every chance you get.

Sam

🎶 This life is more than ordinary. Can’t stop the gods from engineering, feel no need for any interfering. Knocked out but boy you better come to. Don’t die, you know the truth is some do. Choose not a life of limitation distant cousin to the reservation. Go write your message on the pavement. So bright I wonder what the wave meant. Can’t stop the spirits when they need you, this life is more than just a read through. 🎶

Thu Sep 09:

Do you think that one day I will be able to order people like how I can order groceries. An Instacart/Cornershop for humans and instead of produce/cereal isles you have isle categories that you’d find on a porn site …

the vanilla isle, the anal isle, the light bondage isle, hardcore isle, big dick isle, and the BDSM section will be huge, like a Walmart with lots and lots of sub-isles … AND they also do catering. If you can’t find exactly what you need on the shelf, you can place a special order with customer service.

“Hmmm. What am I in the mood for today.”

I think copying master artist is working much better for me than an art class or book or creating individual body parts as seen on some YouTube channels.

My latest rendition of Goya … The Disasters of War (plate 15)
Original

Wed Sep 08:

A lovely day at the office ended with a homeless dude following me … I lost him in Tim Hortons. We seem to have our cadence for office meet-ups … every Wednesday. I got the main key card from Jer cause I will get there before everyone. I was super sleepy, but since I was at the office I couldn’t nap. My boss got me coffee instead and that helped to wake me up … I don’t drink coffee at home … Merde!!! I forgot to log my hours yesterday but I think I am all caught up for last week.

I got home a little shook up and paranoid cause of the homeless dude then I’m downright pissed cause Matt is telling me he’s hungry … the Boy been home all day …. ALLLLLLLL DAAAAAAAY … Good news, Dré did manage to get off his butt and wash the dishes … Thank you Boy!!!!

This release version chart is killing me … I can’t get it to display how I want and I have lots of blank spaces but I don’t understand where them is coming from. Tomorrow I will double check the table and field formats and start again. I mean … I could put a normal table in the dashboard but it will be so very different from the rest.

I’ve been putting off completing my latest poem … sometimes you can have too many ideas and I can’t put them all in one poem that will be messy; like having too much furniture in a room, or too much food in your belly or too much wallet in your money (Wait! lol)

My boss thinks I should get help for my insomnia … I’ve mentioned it to my doctor, but because this has been my normal for so many years, I learned to live with it … BUT thank you for reminding me that it is NOT normal to be sleeping ~ two hrs per night for months and months and years and years and years and years and years and years and years ….

BTW … leaving the house to go to work throws a kink in my already unsmooth routine chain. I half-assed my morning workout, didn’t practice French during lunch and I didn’t draw this evening. I did manage to squeeze out a poem though … the words just came to me? Which often feels more authentic than poring over a poem … but that is just my opinion AND I will pore when I need to. 🙂 I don’t believe one turns out better than the other … they just are what they are and that’s ok with me. BUT it is a feeling I struggle with.

Sex is on my mind a lot these last few weeks but I have no one to have sex with. Do women pay for sex, like how men pay for sex? Where do male sex workers hang out? I can’t imagine me driving up to a sidewalk and picking a dude. lol. I couldn’t have sex with a sex worker for the same reason I couldn’t have sex in a sex club with a partner or a stranger … I just wouldn’t feel comfortable. I’d be thinking about all the ppl he had sex with, maybe he didn’t wipe himself off properly. Crabs and dried up sex juice might be stuck in his pubes – condoms can’t prevent communicability. (ewwww … I’m grossing myself out) …

And for the club, likely I’d be thinking about all the ppl who had sex in that same spot before me. I’ve seen couples who bring their own bedding, but still … At the same time, having sex in a motel room is bad too, especially if it’s one of those rent by the hour places, located close to a major highway for a quick getaway. AND I am also assuming that hotel rooms have a different standard of care but who knows. I could have it all upside down … sex clubs might be super clean because they are sex clubs.

I will leave you with that, make of it what you will.

Tue Sep 07:

🎶Bag lady you gon hurt your back. Dragging all them bags like that. I guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold onto is you, is you, is you. One day all them bags gon get in your way … you can’t hurry up cause you got too much stuff. Pack light. Pack light. Pack light. All you must hold onto is you. 🎶

I’ve decided on what my next stop motion movie will be. Je lost beaucoup fish aujourd’hui 😦 … Six all from the same school. not sure what happened.

Trying to read my poems in French was painful. I probably should have translated short poems. I cannot wait until I am able to write in French. It’s storming thunder … suppose lightning came down like rain? That would be insane and beautiful too. Maybe also terrifying. I like when everything is gloomy, but only when I can cozy up at home.

I wish they made sketchbooks with different types/colors of paper. Dee said I should create if it doesn’t exist already! Reminds me of my refrigerator that opens like a book. 🙂

I’m getting good at drawing angles 🙂

I have to go into the office tomorrow … Looking forward to it 🙂 My French frequency dictionary came today 🙂 Booray!!!

Mon Sep 6:

Yesterday I went to see Dee’s new place. I got her two bottles of kombucha as house warming present. The unit is perfect for two ppl and they’ve decorated it nicely.

In the process of working on my new poem, I think I could write erotic fiction. Not that I want to but is there such a thing as erotic poetry? Well there is now … sorta. Lol

I feel nauseous, yesterday and today. Ça va mal.

Sat Sep 04:

This is going to be quick … working on a new poem, even though the others aren’t done yet, but I think that’s alright. I’m just gonna do me.

Finally it is nice and cool. Great weather for sleeping. I wanted to order food today but I would have had to install UberEats and remove one of my credit cards (that includes my bank’s visa debit card) from it’s wired fortress … I ate leftovers instead and made a fruit smoothie when a sudden gummy craving hit me. Yay!!!

Next time I will also take pic of original artwork, just as FYI when I look back

Fri Sep 03:

I got my Hello Kitty tin pencil case today … Woohoo!!! It has three layers!!!

This reminds me of the kind of pencil cases I had as a kid.

I’m officially on a cash diet. By the end of October all my credit cards will be down to < 35% balance or paid in full – I plan to treat them like charge cards in the future. When I have my impulsive spending spree moments, I will use cash which will be painful. No pain no gain! I wrapped my credit cards in masking tape, armature wire and plastic wrap. It will take a lot of effort for me to get one out. Today I felt like buying myself a shaker cup but my cash has to last till my next pay cheque, so I found myself asking myself, “Do I really need a shaker cup? Really?” The answer is no! Often I just buy without really thinking about need. And then sometimes I am very good at resisting my urges.

By the end of October I will be physically and financially fit! That’s the plan. I feel like the two kinda go together … overspending and overeating are the same no? Wish me discipline!

Next time my boss goes to Paris I wanna go with him, even if I have to pay for myself, there is nothing work related that would justify work paying for me to go to France. Whoever heard of a poet who didn’t go to Paris? I can work from there for two weeks or something, a month maybe and then come back. The knowledge that I can travel and work feels great. I don’t even have to worry about vacation days anymore. Isn’t that awesome!

I ordered groceries from Instacart, I thought I didn’t renew my membership but I did. So I have to remember to cancel in March 2022. The groceries came and Dré is awake, I tell him to put his groceries away.

“Do I have to do that now!”

“Yes. Don’t you have things that need to go in the fridge?”

“Can’t you do it?” (NO MUTHAFUCKA I CAN’T!!!)

“No. I’m working. I bought you what you wanted, put it away yourself.”

Then Matt will play video games all day then ask me to cook. “Mom can you make me something to eat?”

“No.”

“But you’re mom.”

“Alright! You wait for me to cook then!” (he didn’t realize I was being sarcastic or he thought I was joking)

Yo! Even if I have to leave Canada to get rid of these boys, I’m gonna do it. You’re 18 and you can’t put away your groceries cause you’re reading manga or watching anime. And you can’t make something for yourself to eat cause you busy gaming. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck! I got work to do and creative to be. The older you get the more “me” time I’m supposed to have. Then there’s the dishes – Every time I have to wash something that someone else used, when it dries, I’m gonna wrap it up and put it away. Soon there won’t be any dishes or utensils in the kitchen. Fine with me!

Charcoal on Moleskine – That was supposed to be a cat but it looks like a dog – maybe it’s a horsecat or a dorse. A sea dorse.

So far, out of the pastel, conte, graphite and charcoal, I like working with graphite the most -I think I need to blend so there isn’t such a sharp stop in the shading at the edges of things.

My Japanese frequency dictionary came today – my French one was supposed to come first, now it looks like I have to wait a few more weeks

Thu Sep 02:

I woke up with the realization that I cannot be afraid to make mistakes when I draw and that fear may actually prevent me for making progress – after all it’s just stuff on paper, I could always turn the page and start again or turn the piece into something I didn’t plan for.

I also learned that the texture and colour of your paper can contribute to the overall look of your art work … I will continue to copy from famous artist – so far the pieces I did, I really liked. (I have to remember to write down the artist and title of work)

Today was a good day, I got to see two work babies and a product related meeting we had went very well. Next week, or the week after I will be chatting with my boss about my career and how I can combine somehow my new found love of working with data and Excel and the other stuff I am interested in.

Yesterday and today’s art – I was super confident cause I thought I did such a good job yesterday- the face looked easy … but it’s not, it wasn’t. Dee was laughing … she said it’s like when you see someone in a club and they look good from behind, then they turn around or the lights go on. lmao.

it is difficult to keep the paper clean when using conte/chalk – pastel is easier.

Wed Sep 01:

Bonjour septembre! I know I said I’d start a new post each month but this one doesn’t seem slow just yet … so … we continue until we cannot anymore and I feel lazy anyway.

AGAIN … I was awake so early I already felt like I worked a full day at normal people morning hours. I looked at the time and felt sad … “Shit! It’s only 9:30 am?! Fuck!” I don’t always tell you when I don’t sleep cause it happens so often – I should probably tell you when I get a good night (4-6 hours). Let’s do that instead 🙂

Do you have a favourite utensil? I have a fork that I prefer to eat everything with – including soup and sandwiches. That beautiful silver fork is my best partner.

BTW – I cannot find my lipbalm. I haven’t worked on my Hair poem lately

Tue Aug 31:

I started work so early today that I was done my eight just before noon. I went back to bed to sleep but nope. No rest of the tired. I been sleeping even less this last week than usual – maybe two hours a night if I’m lucky. I’m getting just enough sleep to not go insane and ha-loose-en-ate to death.

I’ve been experimenting with other media – today I used graphite and I love it. Still have to try charcoal and pastel.

Graphite on Moleskine – drew image from an art book – original artist is Juan Gris

I really want to pick up Japanese again but I feel like it might set me back with French, even though they are very different languages – so they are perfect for learning together, but I don’t want to mess with my French deadline – once I get to intermediate French I will start with Japanese again.

Today I learned that you only say bonne nuit just before going to bed.

A bientôt!

Mon Aug 30:

Today I cried and I didn’t even consult the stupid emotion wheel to know what’s happening. I cry once or twice a year about work related stuff, that’s not so bad right?

It is better to have cried and go back to bed for a few minutes – 15 min tops – than to never have cried at all. I’d rather cry about work stuff than personal stuff. The older I get the more I realize there are lots of things about people I still don’t get. I. DON’T. GET. PEOPLE. 😦

Sometimes I wonder if everyone thinks I’m stupid. I am doing my best to NOT let one incident dictate how I feel about everything else – I hate how it’s all or nothing for me – it takes more energy for me to think in tones than in vivid colours – my palette is fucked! uuuuuuuuup! But it’s more fun to think vividly.

I told the LinkedIn recruiter lady that I wasn’t looking to make a move right now and she thanked me for responding 🙂 … Then I saw another inmail for senior pm role. Really bitch! The act of project managing I am over – I do it because I must, but I don’t consider myself a project manager anymore. I want to move into portfolio management and more strategy stuff.

Still have to decide which poems to convert to French for reading to my instructor – I might do two – one serious and one fun.

Had a dream that I was a political activist slash unisex addict and in preparation for my conference I was handing out tiny books that came in a purple silicone sleeve called Man Jungle or Jungle Man.

My Latest Pair of VANS 🙂 Came in the mail today :))))

I signed up for more information on this MIT online course – the guy called me to chat but I haven’t read the program brochure yet. Maybe this data science/machine learning stuff will take me in a whole new direction … I’m open, but still exploring.

Sun Aug 29:

The desire to conquer, I do not understand.

If you could only drink one juice for the rest of your life, what juice would it be? Mine would be pineapple.

I wish they’d stop showing people holding other peoples heads in toilets – porcelain throne torture. It is not possible for someone’s entire face and head to be covered in toilet water. The water doesn’t come up that high. Ugh! So annoying!!! You cannot drown anybody in a toilet. If you don’t believe me, try it for yourself.

My poem slowly coming along it is. Last week I read that famous poets were thirty times more likely than the rest of the population to have some form of manic-depressive type mental issues … Well what do you know, I can be a famous poet!

I am going to create my own still life from stuff in the apartment because I spend a lot of time looking for something to draw.

Is Monday still Monday if you say it in French? Lundi! Hmmm …. I don’t think it is.

Sat Aug 28:

All my Netflix previews/trailers are maintenant en français.

Fun w/ French: Êtes-vous médecin? Non. Je suis un cheval.

It’s fun to watch the loaches. They mange beaucoup et they chase each other and the other fish all over the tank. I now know how to say one of my all time favourite words in français – merde! 😂😂😂 Merci à The Old Ways.

Merde! Merde! Merde!

Fri Aug 27:

Bite me! Bite me! Bite me! Bite me! Bite me! Candyman was just ok. A six point five out of ten. The part that bugged me was minor.

Spoiler alert … Dude gets stung by a bee and his hand keeps getting grosser and grosser and nobody says anything. Really! That could have been just a few words added to the script and I would have felt better … “Babe! That arm appears to be putrefying. Please get it checked out.”

Maybe he doesn’t go cause he doesn’t have insurance or maybe it’s cause he thinks it’s not serious, but at least it gets addressed. Simple as that, and I would have given it an eight. UGH … and it’s still annoying!

Movie theatre popcorn hurts my estomac. My first theatre movie post COVID. It was supposed to be Don’t Breathe 2.

Dré introduced me to Korean version of manga. Anytime he sees something that will give me ideas and examples he send them to me. Thank you Pookie!

A few words for a poem popped into my head while showering – I go write.

Thu Aug 26:

Snap to grid bitch. SNAP TO THE MUTHAFUCKIN’ GRID!!!

What am I doing with my life? What’s the point of sleeping if I still feel like crap when I wake up? Why are gamers so flippin’ loud?

Do you know all the things you do that may drain your energy? Do less of that and more of what charges you up!

Breaking News! Dré has recognized his laziness. What is he going to do about it? Nothing! His Manscape 3.0 finally showed up. “Mom! I’ve ascended to a new level of manhood.”

I am done rearranging charts in Excel for now and I will be taking tomorrow afternoon off cause it’s Candyman Day – I’m gonna sleep from 1:00 pm to 4:00 pm, wake up feeling wonderful and then watch my movie and eat popcorn. The simple life. Glowbee is growing like a weed – she wanted to eat a car for lunch! My boss must be starving the poor child. lol.

Breaking News Too! Did I tell you that I have THREE different textures of hair on my ONE head? It is more noticeable now because it’s chemical free. How does that even happen?

Yo! I really had to force myself to draw today … AND I used graphite with the blending pencil thing. I think my sketch pencil is too hard or I’m pressing too hard.

Jer’s nickname for me: Sapantha 😍

Still life from a book

Wed Aug 25:

I bought my first original movie poster … Black Panther 🙂 Should be able to pick it up sometime this week. 🎶 Spider-Man, Spider-Man. Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Spins a web, any size, catches thieves just like flies, look out, here comes the Spider-Man. Is he strong? Listen up, he’s got radioactive blood. Can he swing from a thread? Take a look overhead. Hey there. There goes the Spider-Man. 🎶

Roadmap session two went well BUT I feel I could have done better … Don’t you hate it when you fail to explain yourself properly to people (concise and succinct) AND when you fail to understand what people are trying to say? It happens to me all the time and I feel like I failed somehow, and I dwell – thinking about what I could have said and what they may have meant. smh. AND I think I repeat myself too much. The less sleep I get the harder it is for me to communicate. I should have a job where I interact with no-one ever. Let’s talk about something fun yeah!

If you could have a disease for a pet, what disease would you choose? I have two in mind … wish I could draw them for you. One day perhaps. The first would be heart disease and the second ebola (cause I like how it sounds). Heart disease would be a snake/jellyfish type creature named CardiA (short for cardiac arrest) and ebola would be a horse/dragon/dog/bat named I don’t know yet. Sic em boy! Sic em! Dré said he would like herpes and AIDS. I don’t know what made me think of that question but there it is.

I had my French lesson today 😀 – homework: books I love to read, translate one of my poems to French (maybe two, cause it will be hard for me to pick – and then they won’t rhyme the same in français 😦 but it could also sound better too. Got some new artist to listen to AND I got a French poem to read and translate. For books I think I will start from when I was a kid with Highlights magazine and Tintin and Sherlock Holmes and Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys and Choose Your Own Adventure books. Then as a teen I read lots of erotic fiction and horror (the two go well together). Stephen King and Dean Koontz. I think I told you about the time my mom found my erotic fiction stash. Now I read lots of business books, pretty much anything non-fiction and fables/fairy tales from different countries.

Fun w/ French: Le chien est dans la valise. C’est mort!

I learned “valise” and “voiture” in Duolingo today. And I feel like I’m getting the hang of this masculine/feminine thing, but I’m not gonna make a big deal about it either way.

Do fewer things, but do them better. Business owners, managers, employees and students can become overwhelmed, distracted and frustrated by trying to do too many things well. When having difficulty maintaining quality standards, achieving desired outcomes, meeting schedule and cost targets, or getting others to prioritize and perform well, try reducing the number of things being attempted, and focus on doing those fewer things better.

There are important tasks that must be done promptly, unimportant tasks that must be done promptly, important tasks with no particular rush, and unimportant tasks with no particular rush; and sometimes there are things that seem crucial but may not need doing at all.

Thing # 85 of 101 Things I Learned In Business School

It’s 7:23 pm, I didn’t nap today. Hai! – I go draw.

Tue Aug 24:

Bonjour Mademoiselle! I think I am confusing Google with my French and English and sometimes Japanese. I started seeing YouTube commercials in French again and I went to Amazon.ca and it was in French. lol. I tried to do what I needed to do in my third language but had to translate the page to complete my orders.

About yesterday … I reserved a 9′ cube van to get my stuff outta storage. For some reason I started the reservation at 11:00 am, which, in hindsight made no sense cause, my meeting started at 11. We get to U-Haul and the guy points out the truck I’m gonna be renting, (dude was wearing this super cute Black Panther mask – said his friend made it for him.) Right after dude shows me the truck, Dré says, “Mom are you sure that’s big enough?”

“Yeah no problem.” I say, flicking his concern to the wind with one swipe of my hand. “There was lots of space left in the last truck, we don’t need one so big.” Well what do you know. by the time we’re ready to put the double box spring into the van, I look ahead to my right and say, “Shit! I don’t think it’s gonna fit!” We put the box spring down, Dré turns to survey the van, then staring at me, he tilts his head to the side,

“What was that? We don’t need a bigger truck? What?”

We ended up having to make two trips, returning for the box spring and mattress. After the drop off, Dré and I went to Best Buy because the bezel is coming apart from the cover on Matt’s laptop AND the keyboard stopped working on Dré’s … I bought him a new laptop and sent Matt’s out for repair. I let both of them know that, unless these machines die naturally of old age, I am not replacing/repairing them. (like how the fuck do you “spill” egg on your keyboard?) Next, the three of us met at Ikea, because Matt’s been bugging me for a dresser, and the van only has two seats.

Finally, I went to Big Al’s to get more fish – I am now the proud owner of six cobra guppies, four red honey gourami and three weather loaches, they’re so cute, like baby tigers. They remind me of DJ but he was golden, these guys are brown with black spots.

Today I am doing creative spreadsheet work all day 🙂 Yesterday a recruiter contacted me on LinkedIn and I was surprised because I am not looking new opportunity – she just gave me a teaser, it’s a PMO director type role but, I like where I am, especially cause I don’t do just one thing, I get to float and learn and have fun – I don’t ever want to do just one job at work – I couldn’t do that at a large company, (I like working for young companies) then the deciding factor was, having 12 direct reports – Maybe I need to rethink what it means to be a manager, but it really doesn’t appeal to me. I just want to do my work and not have to worry about other people and their problems in that way. Being a manager of people is a humongous responsibility; it is not a frivlious undertaking. Maybe I shouldn’t look at it as being a parent but I do.

Risk seeks its own level. Risk homeostasis theory says that people have an innate sense of the level of risk they consider acceptable in a given activity. When the activity is made safer, they behave more recklessly, at least partly nullifying the safety gains. A study at the University of Bath, found that drivers drove measurably closer to bicyclists who were wearing helmets than those without. Another study found that Munich taxicab drivers of vehicles with antilock brakes took corners faster and left shorter reaction zones than drivers of cabs with conventional brakes. The two groups ultimately had the same crash rate.

Risk appetite is the willingness or desire to take risk. Risk tolerance is the ability to manage the downside of a risk.

Thing # 88 of 101 Things I Learned in Business School

A new Black Panther movie is slated for 2022. 🙂

It’s so hot! Again x Again!

Mon Aug 23:

J’aime lundi.

🎶 Oh, my, my, my. I’m feeling high. My money’s gone. I’m all alone. Too much to see. The world keeps turnin’… Peace and blessings manifest with every lesson learned. If your knowledge were your wealth then it would be well-earned … Oh, what a day. What a day, what a day. 🎶

I left home at 12:30 pm, got home at 9:30 pm and jumped in the shower – I didn’t take off my clothes, shoes, glasses, nothin’ – my Charlie Brown Vans are clean. 🙂 We will discuss my moving day adventure tomorrow. I’m glad it’s over. Have some adjustments to make to the exec dash but I think it was well received. Yay me!!! I did that shit from scratch all by myself (with help from YouTube Ladies) and it looks hella pretty. 🙂

I am happy, smelling yummy and tired AF.

Bonne nuit!

Sun Aug 22:

C’est dimanche!

I cannot wait to watch Snake Eyes (2021) – I bought the movie today but it is deux heure long. An origin movie about a ninja badass, how timely! I learned two new words from Lucifer today , ‘Comment ça.” and “D’accord.” 🙂 … Lupin is so good!!! Thank God for moving pictures, otherwise I’d be totally lost. Sometimes, I hear words I know but I can’t remember what they mean and sometimes the dialogue is so fast I can’t keep up. Can you imagine watching a movie in slow motion so you can follow the conversation? lol.

I have a feeling I probably won’t finish this – still working on getting over the fact that I won’t be able to finish everything in one sitting.

Do you have a readlist? I didn’t dance today 😦 At this very moment, I really don’t want to move anything out of storage tomorrow. I also don’t want to have to pay for another month … so. I should have hired someone to teleport my stuff. Once at storage, I plan to only bring back stuff I need, everything else is give away or garbage. I also have to take the BBQ and the bike over to Dee’s place.

If you only had cinq minutes to pack some stuff and leave your domicile forever, what would you take? As much as I love paper books, I might stop buying them and stick to Kindle. I can rent books from Amazon via Kindle @ 15$ a month. Not all books are available and you can only take out 15 at a time – most of my rented books right now are on art and drawing. I am excited for releasing the exec dash into the wild, I’ve already gotten some meaningful feedback, I am looking forward to how it will mature 🙂

I think I’ve gotten better at drawing simple things – the person on the left is supposed to be my shape shifting ninja character 😦

I decided I’d teach the boys how to use OKRs. They write down their goals but they don’t have enough details and no dates to follow-through. André’s post-it goals that I helped him with earlier this year are still on the wall; he’s done nothing in furtherance of them. He was up all night playing some video game cause he wanted to get the flaming sword of some shit. Since Friday he asked me if I could help him with his resume, he asked me again yesterday, but acquiring the flaming shit sword was more important and I am over chasing, reminding, etc. That’s on you!

Matt wants to work at McDonalds, I helped him with his resume and cover letter last week. He insisted on writing a cover letter.

Substitutes are competitors. When evaluating competitors, consider indirect competition as carefully as direct competition. Competition from substitutes can occur at many levels, including product, ingredient, service and convenience. Plastic, for example, is a common product or ingredient substitute for metal, glass and ceramics and thereby competes with them. Grocery stores providing take-away food are convenience substitutes for traditional fast food restaurants. Even a clothesline is a substitute competitor for a clothes dryer.

Thing # 64 of 101 Things I Learned in Business School

So far I haven’t come across Porter’s Five Forces – they’re talking about it, like in thing # 64 but they haven’t mentioned it outright – But I’m not done with the book yet.

I am grateful for my ability to follow through! Merci! Merci!

This Friday Matt and I are gonna see Candyman (2021) – mmmm movie theatre popcorn.

Salut!

Sat Aug 21:

… and just like that (snap), it’s almost Septembert. I am going to give every month a person name.

Since I took yesterday off, I had to spend two hours and fifteen minutes working. I updated the spreadsheet, added another chart and icon – I kinda wanna add more but not sure – I will look at it again tomorrow.

Couldn’t do any storage moving today … no trucks!!! Well, specifically cargo vans. The last time I rented. Bigger van but I didn’t need it. Reserved for Monday afternoon instead.

Wrote a poem today as promised, Stellar. Trying to draw by manipulating shapes is difficult but I’m working on it – have a long way to go. I will share my sketchbook pages with you tomorrow.

Bonne nuit!

Fri Aug 20:

Sorry! I fell asleep when I should have started talking to you. Dré and I are fasting. I showed Matt how to strip thyme and cut broccoli into bite sized pieces – he made the last Hello Fresh dish.

Good news! I didn’t sleep today, but that’s probably because I went to bed mad late, like 2:00 am, Thursday night when I was trying to finish Bravo. Took the day off, cause by noon I hadn’t done any work and I wasn’t willing to do a full 8 hrs into the evening. Had a difficult time getting the engine going, but I think it’s only because I went to bed so late. 2:00 am is usually when I am waking up. I have to look at the exec dash sheet this weekend though and make sure the charts are in proper working order now that folks are making changes and adding real data – I don’t want to wait till Monday morning to find out something is wacky. I can be wacky but not the datasets or the visuals.

Painting is silent poetry and poetry is painting that speaks

Plutarch – Greek philosopher

Isn’t that beautiful! Does he mean I shouldn’t add art to my poems? Hmmm, I don’t think so. And anyway, it’s my poem, I can do whatever I want! I like experimenting gosh! Since poetry is painting, I will do my best to paint a detailed picture with my words. What color do you think “utilitarian” would be? Green? What about “perplexed? Tie-dye? lol.

Did my research and I now officially sorta have a good idea of how long it will take for me to learn French and Japanese. https://www.state.gov/foreign-language-training/ For fluency I will be using their definition “… reach “Professional Working Proficiency” in the language, or a score of “Speaking-3/Reading-3” on the Interagency Language Roundtable scale.” (I probably don’t have access to the interagency scale to self-assess but I didn’t check.)

  • Speak French fluently by Q2 2022 (6-8 months – French is category 1)
    • Italian and Spanish are the only other languages I am interested in from category 1
  • Speak Japanese fluently by Q4 2024 (22-24 months – Japanese is category 4) 😦
    • Also in category 4 is Korean which is on my list – Arabic and Chinese are there too

I had to pick the most difficult language to start with. BTW Russian is also on my list but that is a category all by itself, C3. My love of Japanese dictates that I get it done next (or with?). I have a feeling it might be good to focus on one language at a time but I am not sure yet – I feel like if they are in the same category then you can stack them, but then you’d need about an hour a day for each. Plus I’m thinking that since French and Japanese are so different I can’t get confused. At the same time I want to do what’s most efficient, so I don’t waste time learning either one.

They say Japanese is “a super-hard language that is exceptionally difficult for English speakers to learn, but I found it to be much easier than French, probably because I find the masculine/feminine in French difficult to grasp and in Japanese you can say things without using pronouns, for example: “I” is understood so you usually don’t need to state it. – I can still count to five and I remember most greetings and yes (hai!) and certain body parts. I know how to say green tea, fermented soybeans and manga and emoji …

Of course I still have my arting practice and I must do that everyday and I guess that isn’t really an ultimate goal but milestones, so every quarter I will see how I can gauge my progress.

Watched the first episode of Luipen on Netflix in all French – audio and subtitles, as recommended by my French instructor. I plan to write a poem this weekend, one a week as I promised myself, and I also have to get our stuff out of storage tomorrow. We will walk to pick up the truck. Not looking forward to it cause it’s supposed to be another hot day.

Families making sidewalk art and the guys getting ready to play cricket!

Thu Aug 19:

Finally learned not to wait for my boss. I realized that he will accept the meeting if he can make it and won’t if he can’t. I didn’t bother to start the call today. Why did it take me so long? Well … sometimes my boss is unpredictable.

Guess what? I had my first French lesson today … I was so happy and grateful to our business developer guy and I have homework 🙂 🎶H is for homework that’s gonna make me smart-er see. Homework, homework, homework starts with E. 🎶

I had fun talking to our CTO and HR lady about data today. I enjoy thinking and doing and helping! EXCEPT if I have to think about the boys or help them do shit! I read today that you should only have about four goals at a time – that is enough juggling of stuffs. Obviously, I suspect you already know what my goals are but I will list them for you:

  1. Speak French fluently by Q4 2022
  2. Speak Japanese fluently by Q4 2022
  3. Draw like a boss by Q2 2022
  4. Make silent stop motion movies

I have to break down me goals into quarterly milestones but I am aiming to be fluent in French and Japanese by December 27, 2022 … that would be the best birthday present I could give myself. Reading and writing in those languages would be wonderful too but focus is on speaking/understanding. AND I am hoping to be able to draw from my imagination ASAP. I will have to see how many silent movies I can do per quarter, but I don’t want it to interfere with my other stuff that I am learning.

I have lots of other things I want to do of course (get back to my healthy weight, learn about AI and data science, find a third language to speak, etc, etc. Although ultramarathoning is a dream of mine, I haven’t been training nearly as much as I should and it is less important to me than the things in the list – Right now I have other high-value things to spend my time on. Training for a marathon will take up lots of hours in my days and before I can even attempt an ultramarathon, I have to have run at least three marathons (officially or unofficially, once I cover the distance) Dancing is my cardio. I am going to make a massive list of goals – all goals ever, no matter how ridiculous and keep prioritizing them as I go – when I can cross one thing off my list, I will add something else.

BTW … I found the the poems I want to turn into weird fiction. Begin and Sweep Begin is longer than I remembered which is good.

Woke up from my Zacnap with words to a poem in my head – that hasn’t happened in a while. I am grateful 🙂 …. Gonna get to writing 🙂 Do you remember I said I would write a poem a week – I think I picked haiku/senryu/tanka so I gotta get back to that, and why haven’t I done it? I don’t know, sometimes I get into these moods where nothing feels worthwhile – thank goodness they don’t last long enough to cause permanent damage. But also, I started illustrating my poems so it takes a bit more time , I don’t have to illustrate everything, I know, but I feel like it. (maybe that is just an excuse, I think even if I illustrate I can still do one a week.)

“Dré, when you wash the dishes you also have to clean up your cooking mess. Wipe down the counters and stove top.”

“I did that.”

“No you didn’t. There’s still dried tomato sauce on the stove.”

“Oh! Matt must have put tomatoes in his cake.”

Wed Aug 18:

Today I learned that French also has formal and informal ways to say the same things. e.g. “et toi” is casual and “et vous” is formal both meaning “and you”. I think in Japanese, formal would be considered “the polite way,” like when talking to your boss – but I don’t recall seeing “formal” in my Japanese lessons. Do you remember the book about a chicken (I think it was a baby chick) who went around looking for its mother?

Fun w/ French: Bonsoir Chaval! Vous avez choisi parler Japonais? (Good evening Horse. Have you decided to speak Japanese?) I can’t remember if a horse is masculine or feminine, which I believe would cause me to spell Japonais differently. I think. I am also getting use to writing with the appropriate accent.

I’ve been watching Tintin on Prime. I use to read the books when I was a kid. Today I felt discouraged, like I’m never going to get good at art. When that happens I still force myself to practice but the feeling sucks.

The philosophy of business and business philosophy. The philosophy of business is concerned with the nature and significance of business as a human endeavour, such as whether it is fundamentally an economic or social phenomenon, the moral obligations it has to society, the degree to which governments should regulate businesses and the differences in business operations and meanings in capitalist and socialist economies.

Business philosophy refers to the values or approach of a particular company (e.g., ABC Widget believes in educating customers before selling to them) or the dynamics of a market segment (the widget industry demands balanced attention to product and service)

Thing #9 of 101 Things I Learned in Business School

Missed out on the corporate pool party. Hopefully by this time next year, I will be well rested. Or maybe December, if we have a Holiday fête. The last time we met in December I think I stayed in London for the weekend, which is better than having to drive up and back the same day!

Started my data scientist research … I recall a tiny little bit of SQL, (used to have to do my own database searches at two companies in my past) and Excel (which is used quite a bit in the industry) AND I started learning PowerBI initially for the exec dashboard I was working on but I would also have to learn Python, maybe some Java and there are so many variations of what a data scientist can do and the type of data they work with AND the name of the role could also be different even though your responsibilities are the same. But this only what I learned today, I have to keep digging.

I think I can teach myself all those things. I would also have to be good at stats/math, (currently I break out in hives if I have to do maths in front of people.) I think they said some careers translate better, for example, if you are moving from engineering or accounting into data science it would be easier because you have the math background but those folks would still have to learn SQL and Python or R or Tableau or etc. I was surprised to see how many application are out there and I was also surprised to see Excel at the top of the list (that make me hopeful).

Tue Aug 17:

Oh the TTC … I still hate thee. Fuckin’ strollers! DON”T YOU FUCKIN’ STROLL THAT SHIT OVER MY VANS! I’LL KILL YOU AND YOUR UGLY ASS BABY! And no body is even paying attention to the “don’t sit here cause a COVID” signs. And I don’t see the point anyway cause the bus is packed as shit and people still DON’T FUCKIN’ KNOW HOW TO WEAR A MUTHAFUCKIN’ MASK!!!! – Are you fuckin’ retarded? It’s simple! LOOK AT THE PICTURE YOU SHIT! That shit’s supposed to cover your nose, mouth and chin. God! God! I’m still patiently waiting for my RR Phantom w/ driver. UGH! So furiously exasperated! People annoy me!

I am going to look into becoming a data scientist – I don’t know how/if that will merge into my current role/career but I really do enjoy working with information. Researching. Dissecting (bisecting, trisecting). Analyzing. Collating/Summarizing. Presenting. I will see what I can find tomorrow. Every time I work with Excel, as challenging as it is to grasp, I love it. And even when shit gets vexingly difficult, I don’t feel discouraged. When my boss says, “see what you can learn about …” 🎶Heaven. I’m in heaven🎶

Hell for me is an assembly line where I do the same shit day in and day out, till I kill myself or get murdered. (and also having sex with some gross excessively sweaty dude – ewwww.) Heaven is getting to experiment and experience different things all the time. Never ending change.

I do project manager stuff cause I have to, but I don’t really consider myself a project manager anymore. I enjoy running the PMO and portfolio management/strategic planning type stuff. I am sure data science can be incorporated into strategy and PPM stuff. And you know, maybe I can do data science without being a data scientist. I can take my time and decide – no rush.

I feel like the best of my life is waiting for me to live it! Cool right!

Mon Aug 16:

After posting my nipple machine, I (mis)remembered a Ren & Stimpy episode where they were nipple sales men and they tried to sell nipples to a horse but he already had them. That show made me feel happy and nauseously crappy equally!

I think it’s been two weeks, maybe more, since I’ve had alcohol. Yay! Although I was tempted to head/come out to the LCBOQIA+ … I didn’t Yay#2!

The boys are over the KiwiCo crates so now I’m gonna have to build a printing press, a pinball machine, a wooden crane, hand pump and stereo headphones all by myself. Looking forward to the first two mostly.

BTW – do you wanna know where the terms uppercase and lowercase come from? Well … back in the day printers (the printing people) stored their letter stamps in separate cases within a cabinet – capital letters on the top shelf and small letters on the bottom shelf. And sometimes they would store lowercapital cases along with punctuations on the middle shelf (jk)

Dré is such a pain, the Boy cyah follow simple Hello Fresh instructions …

“Mom! Wanna help me cook.”

“No.”

“Mom! How do I cut these potatoes into wedges?”

“Mom! What time is it?”

“Mom. What temperature is roast?”

“What do you mean?”

“It just says to roast for 10-12 minutes but it doesn’t say what temp the oven should be at.”

“How can it not tell you the temp!?”

“It doesn’t!”

Reluctantly, I get up … “Look! It says, ‘START HERE. Preheat oven to 450.’ Jesus!”

“Mom! Could you help me with this third last part – I don’t understand what it’s telling me to do.”

FML – Can I do nothing in peace. I went to help him again and in the process I tried to break the Hello Fresh instructions with my head.

“Mom!!! What is wrong with you!!! The paper was pristine, now it looks like I gave it to a child.”

Sun Aug 15:

Discovered a book genre called weird fiction via The Willows by Algernon Blackwood. I was never a fan of HP Lovecraft but I may revisit his books … There are a few poems I’ve written that would translate well into a weird fiction microburst.

Dré decided to try Hello Fresh. I feel maybe he didn’t realize he still has to cook. smh. Let’s see what happens … he got three dishes in his first box.

I haven’t been keeping very good track of my poems – I have too many places to write/put stuff. I thought I had figured this out already. I need to think where I want to keep my writing things. My art stuff is in Procreate and sketchbooks, but I write wherever I can at the moment – I don’t always grab my bedside book. Discipline!!!

Sat Aug 14:

As I work to redefine myself once again 🎶 a seven nation army couldn’t hold me back 🎶:

  • Sam the Conscientious:
    • Minimalist Artist
    • Vegan (forever this time)
    • Environmentalists
    • Buddhist
    • Helper
    • Multilingualist
    • Fish in the Pond of Plenty Who is Worth Catching (according to me)
    • Defender of All Those What Need Defending (Peoples, Animals, Ideas, Languages, Corny Jokes)

I have more but I will leave with those for now …

Sometimes I wonder if I found the thing I was born to do, but then I feel like, I wasn’t born to do just one thing – kinda like how people have different roles, you can be born to do many things – I think maybe you know your thing when it feels right. Writing, arting, creating, feels right. I had a difficult time staying out of bed and focusing today. Why couldn’t I be one of those depressed people who lose their appetite? Well, we are not going to go down that road again.

I hate it when the boys come in my room and touch my stuff, or move shit or sit in my chairs. I can feel my body tensing – please leave. NOW!!! We can meet in the living room if you wanna hang out! Do males ever mature?

🎶 Find yourself a girl and settle down. live a simple life in a quiet town. steady as she goes 🎶

Added a few more lines to my hair poem and finally got unblocked for my ninja comic – Part of the problem may be that I cannot draw from my imagination yet, BUT I can clearly see what I want to produce – so … as I go looking for things to trace, nothing ever feels quite right – Do you think I will be able to draw from my imagination in the next six months or so?

Have to create a presentation for PMBOK 7 stuff – I love putting together presentations as they also help me to solidify my understanding, which always feels grrrrrrrrate! I used to wish Tony the Tiger was my boyfriend. I thought he was super cool!

One day many people will tell me, “Your French and Japanese are fantastic!!!!” 🎶 Can’t stop addicted to the shindig 🎶

Write it once. A well-written contract defines or explains each term or condition only once. Subsequent mentions of what that term or condition refer to, or are presumed to refer to, the original explanation. Repeating contract language in an effort to impart greater emphasis is dangerous, as differences in context can lead to confusion in meaning and an unfavourable interpretation in a court of law. Further, because negotiations invariably require the editing of a contract draft, a redundantly worded document will require changes in multiple locations – leading to the possibility that one location will be missed and an inconsistent final contract will result.

Thing # 83 of 101 Things I Learned in Business School

Fri Aug 13:

Hooray for the weekend – It is too hot for anything and everything, including laughing out loud 😦

Since it is so hot, the timing is perfect for me to rant about the douches I live with. Matt’s been washing his dishes but André not really and because of that, I guess Matt figures he shouldn’t wash anything other than his own. So …. this morning I washed my prized cast iron pots, dried them and put them in a box, sealed the box and put the box under my bed :). I did the same for a number of utensils, plates, ramekins, serving dishes, mason jars and other miscellaneous kitchen items. I threw out a bunch of random bottles from my “I need to collect stuff” periods that will continue to come and go as long as I live.

The kitchen cupboards remind me of when I first moved into my own place and had just enough housewares to fill one shelf – I think I’d gotten some dishes from the Salvation Army or other such service. When things break I am not replacing them. Fuck it! If it weren’t for the planet, we’d have disposable everything. By the time I am ready to get my own place again, all my stuff will be packed. Well, except for my books and art stuff.

You know, when Dee was here, there was this silent understanding between us, no one had to ask anyone to wash the dishes or do any other household chores for that matter. We just shared the load. With the dishes, sometimes I’d start and she’d finish or vice versa. If something needs doing just do it. Don’t wait to be told. Don’t expect anything in return, including appreciation. ugh!!! I know appreciation feels good but don’t do what you do expecting to be appreciated for it – then when you don’t get the praise you’re seeking you get all bent and don’t want to do the thing anymore even though it’s the right thing to do.

I feel like the attitude they have at home will spill over into their work and relationship lives. No one is going to take the initiative because they will pretend to forget, pretend not to see, because it is not their job. Because they are waiting for a promotion first. Because, because …

Grrrrr. Bonne nuit!

Thu Aug 12:

Fun w/ French: Bientôt j’étudie. Excuse moi. Bonne journee! (Soon I am studying. Excuse me. Have a good day!)

In my previous life, I would have been wondering , “What did I do to my boss? Is he avoiding me? Does he hate me? Why is he avoiding/hating me?” (this line of thought applies to everyone, including my children – as soon as things start to feel different, I spiral) But I am aware of this “thing” I do. Remember the time I thought our CTO hated me for whatever reason and I was crying like a dumbass (but I think I cried that time cause I was feeling really shitty and that thought just made everything worse.) Anyboo …

I KNOW my boss is busy with important business/family stuff, so I can remind myself that it is not avoidance and it is NOT about me. Which in the past, would have been difficult for me to do. I think most times I appreciate our 1:1 because I am not always sure when I may be overstepping. I am never sure actually, it’s a huge guessing game and I rarely ever err on the side of caution. AND since I can NEVER tell, that feeling of “OMG! Maybe I did something to piss him/her (person x) off and they are not telling me, but instead avoiding me at every turn. What do I do!?!?!” But … even though I still think that way, it doesn’t consume me (as much), or make me blow things out of proportion or dictate my behaviour (I hope). Which is a step in the right direction. Thank you very much. Hooray for self-awareness (and Prozac maybe?). And I still have to complete my therapy homework

Adobe wants to buy some of Dee’s online art stuff, not sure exactly what, but she messaged me all excited. AND she named my teddy from yesterday, CanniBear. I am going to take it a step further and imagine … what if babies were born cannibals. Not all babies, just some and there was no way for us to know a cannibal baby from a non-cannibal baby until you discover a massacre in the NICU or on the Labour and Delivery floor. And what would parents do with their cannibal babies? How are you supposed to care for a cannibal? These days babies stay with their parents, unless there is some issue that would cause them to be in the NICU, they will have to go from room to room. Is it every twelve minutes that a baby is born? (I think maybe I might have made that up) I’ve read that some babies are born with teeth – I’m pretty sure the source was reputable but I cannot remember … Thinking about deranged baby cannibals running around ending lives reminds me of Chucky. “Awwwww … look at the cute baby!”

Speaking of cute babies, just by chance today while looking for images of our old office for my one and only favourite HR Lady, I came across a pic of our European PM’s baby, maybe she was a few days old at the time. Now she’s running around feeding farm animals 🙂 My … how time makes babies grow! xoxoxox. I should make up a nickname for her, but I don’t see her very often. I wonder if they have baby goats, I need recruits for my Gloat Escort Service.

I will see if I can dig up a baby pic of Matt – For the longest time he looked like an alien to me and Dré looked like a grotesquely overweight pipe smokin’ grandpa. Who knew I could love an alien and an obese grandpa so much. Speaking of grotesquely overweight, I feel like watching Seven. I started laying out my comic yesterday, but I feel stuck – not sure why.

Finally repotted two plants – poor things were punishing in their original pots for what feels like a year. I suspect they should be happy now. Do you remember my baby avocado plant, she’s huge now. I will show you before and after soon.

Wed Aug 11:

Fun w/ French: Enchante! Je voudrais un(e) toilette s’il vous plait (Nice to meet you. I would like a toilet please.) BTW – I’m the only one who thinks this is funny.

Don’t have much to parle today, so I will leave you with my most recent masterpiece …

Dee named him CanniBear

Tue Aug 10:

Bienvenue!

I was freakin’ out for like an hour today, I thought I lost all my notes and highlighted sections of books in Notability … Alas, all is not lost. It had something to do with Apple sync. Glad I don’t have to start my readings all over again. Parfait!!! (Perfect) I learned a few other French words today – wrote them down but they haven’t stuck yet.

When was the last time you intentionally jumped into a massive puddle of water (ha, you thought I was going to say alcohol!) I love going out on rainy monsoon days, in my best outfit. Cowboy boots, black tux … no umbrella. To stand and feel the rain, pounding my head, shoulders, back. Sometimes I get lucky and WOOSH!!! The rain hits me sideways, POW!!! right in the gut and I’m down for the count. Closer to the earthy smell. I inhale, catch my breath and feeling the prickly gravel digging into my palms, I bear crawl to the nearest puddle, on the lookout for worms at every step. Carefully, on my hands and knees, checking for tadpoles. One time I saw Plankton and I had to take him all the way back to the ocean. Certain now, there are no microorganisms in this particular puddle. I listen, enjoying the sound of the rain, the cars sloshing by. I make it to my feet and jump for all I’m worth. SPLASH!!! (I’m gonna turn this into a comic)

Hmmm … writing with all my senses is gonna take some work.

Keeping a log book is fun – something I learned from one of Austin Kleon’s books. I am so behind on my art homework – still have to draw my tattooed self and my shape-shifting ninja. I don’t want to move on to the next lesson without completing those first or I might never do it.

Quality, price, service: Pick two. The quality of a product, its price and the level of service its seller provides are interdependent. No seller can offer the best of all three – highest quality, lowest price, and the best service and remain in business. A discount store that offers high-quality merchandise at low prices will necessarily provide minimal personal service. A store selling the same merchandise with a high level of attention from staff will charge a higher price.

In project management, three similar factors are in play: quality, price and time; you can only prioritize two of them. And if one of the factors is changed after the project’s begun, i.e., a tighter budget, a demand for better or more work, a budget cut – you must change two of them – a request for higher quality means you will have to increase the budget or extend the schedule., etc.

Thing # 87 of 101 Things I learned at Business School

A bientot!

Mon Aug 09:

Happy International Indigenous Peoples Day 🙂 I love Indigenous art and I have my favourite, all time favourite artist so far, Norval Morrisseau aka Copper Thunderbird (isn’t that beautiful!). AND he was self-taught, which gives me hope 🙂

Well … I am slightly disappointed but I decided not to go to our pool party. Everyone isn’t gonna be there! You know!!! We are a small company, I was hoping for to see the entire team, like when we had our May event a few years back and everyone came from everywhere – Of course, I knew our European folks would be there in spirit only. If I lived in London I’d go, but to drive about six hours round trip for a five hr. party is not economical, especially since I am sleepy. If I am going to risk my life for a party, I’d like to be able to see everyone – hopefully I’d make it to the party and die on the way home vs dying on the way there, cause that would suck!!! I am also looking forward to having lunch with our HR lady – we will talk about food and exercise and have push-up competitions between courses.

BTW – I prefer the word expire when talking about death – The last few funerals I went to had Sunrise and Sunset for birth and death days. I would like Manufactured and Expired on my funeral invitations. I don’t know how to say those words in French or Japanese. I should design my funeral party flyer (just jotted that little to-do in my Beside Me book). Wouldn’t it be nice if you could plan a funeral like you would a wedding? Kinda like how both sports teams have all their winning gear even before they know who is going to come out on top. AND you can invite whoever you like, ensuring riff-raff or people who cry ugly don’t attend and spoil everything. You can cry if you want to but, as you know, that’s not the kinda funeral I plan to have. Do they have funeral practice sessions? Funeral dry runs! “OMG MICHAEL!!! This is like the fourth practice and you are STILL standing in the wrong place. To the right of the casket. TO THE RIGHT! God!!!”

Remember I told you how Dré refuses to put his food in the fridge, well he kinda started doing it now, but he doesn’t put the food in a container or cover it. He just leaves it on the plate and puts it in the fridge – he doesn’t even arrange the food nice and neatly you know. But … although ewwwwed out from seeing leftover egg scramble scattered about with partially eaten bread pieces on display (caveman food art), I am not going to say anything yet because we did make a step forward, I don’t want to discourage him and have him go back to leaving his disgusting partially eaten plate on the table. I covered it for him. Sometimes at the dinner table he burps so loud and nasty and he thinks it’s funny. Yesterday I asked him …

“Why are you gross?” He just laughed like I was being funny. (then when I make actual jokes … silence!)

And then there’s Matt, who farts, doesn’t excuse himself and pretends he didn’t know he needed to and will only laugh in acknowledgement AFTER I smell it and ask, “Did you fart?!?!?” ugh! I wish I was the one who moved out and Dee was still living here. I will call her and ask if she wants to trade places!

Those who think theory “isn’t the real world” don’t understand what theory is. A theory explains real phenomena. It organizes diverse bits of information into generalized patterns, identifies underlying reasons for why things happen as they do, and suggests the deeper nature of the things we know and those we do not quite know. Theories help transfer knowledge from one enterprise to another and suggest the likely outcomes of new and future situations.

Those who are averse to theory may thrive in business as long as the parameters familiar to them remain in place. Those who embrace theory are more likely to seek out, adapt to and benefit from new situations.

Thing # 32 of 101 Things I Learned in Business School

I am writing a poem for DJ.

Sun Aug 08:

Oi! It’s probably been about a month since I wrote a poem; maybe more.

I feel like the weekend went by uber fast and I didn’t do much. For the rest of the year, most of my work time will be spent reading and taking notes.

For my next movie, I decided for sure that I won’t create any new props, I don’t think. I will try using the images Stop Motion Studio provides and I also read I can draw and insert my own images. BUT … I do need new armatures and I will try using other media too, paper maybe – the boys old Lego; if I can find it.

Hope you had a good weekend.

Bonne nuit!

Sat Aug 07:

Fun w/ French: s’il vous plait ne pas mange(s) le chien! (please don’t eat the dog!) lol. That sentence is probably not grammatically correct.

Can you tell ?!?!?!?! … I am gonna have a hella good time with every language I learn. Mizu onegaishimasu (water please) I almost forgot how to say please but I will never forget how to say water cause I love the word mizu – I love how it looks, I love how it sounds and how it taste, unless it’s Dasani or Aquafina. Worst tasting waters ever!!! My plan was to do my Japanese lessons in the evening but i’m not consistent yet. AND ALSO …

I love trying to think in a different language. I look silly when I’m thinking hard 🙂 I may have to drive to London for our corporate pool party, not looking forward to the drive. Anytime I have to drive when tired I avoid the highways, believing that if I were to get into an accident, it would be less severe on the road vs the highway. Ideally, I would like our CTO to pick me up in his sexy blue Tesla. I’m pretty sure it was blue. Anyway … that’s not gonna happen so …

I will just down a few gallons of Red Bull and fly over. That’s my current plan.

The Round Box: I have a brown cylindrical container named Hako. He sits on my desk and stares at me while I work. Annoying!!! Likely, he might be made of walnut tree wood. Of course … he refuses to come when I call him. Vexing!!! But, I cannot stay mad because he is beautiful. The fine lines, tiny nuances and color variations make him uniquely him. Hako shines in the sun, reflects light and smells like varnish on the outside and a dark musty drawer in. Yesterday, he licked my fingers. Reflexively, I licked him in return and surprisingly he tasted like Breyers butterscotch ripple ice cream. Unfortunately for him, I took a bite. When he yelped, I came to my senses and apologized profusely. “Hako! Gomennasai!”

The top of my round box cannot be completely removed. Hako has to be held at the right angle and pushed delicately before twisting open and closing with a “click” due to his magnetic lips. Otherwise, you may find yourself wondering if it’s locked. My container is smooth … I can wrap my hands around it in the same way you would a cup of hot chocolate on a cold, cozy day. This winter I will snuggle up with Hako and inhale his butterscotchy rippleness.

That was me trying to use all my senses when writing.

Customers do not make purchases the same way or for the same reason. Marketing experts typically distinguish among consumers by age, geography, interest, income and similar factors. They may use a different marketing mix of the Four P’s to determine how to reach each segment:

Product: an offerings’ features, style, variety (e.g., different types of sugar), packaging (e.g., single packets, two pounds, cubes), and brand name.

Price: the list price, discounts, allowances and payment terms

Promotion: advertising, personal selling, sales promotions and public relations. A product aimed at young buyers may emphasize web-based promos vs print ads.

Place: the venue for purchase and the logistics of moving products from manufacturer to consumer

Some experts use Five P’s (Packaging) or Six P’s (People)

Thing # 55 of 101 Things I Learned In Business School

BTW – I have a new hobby, collecting movie posters. I meant to write a haiku with a complimentary nature scene but I’m not happy with the scene and I didn’t start the poem 😦 I was thinking about what I wanted to say, while I drew but when the pic started looking like crap, I stopped thinking about my poem. I will continue later.

I go play chess with Dré and watch a movie with Matt – all at the same time 🙂

Fri Aug 06:

Did you miss me? 🙂 Dee got promoted to Art Director and stopped by for the first time today since moving out. We have to celebrate!

Glad to be feeling a bit better but … Do you think it’s possible that I only need ~ two hours of sleep per night? I still have some unidentified DNA, who knows what I am. I sleep, I wake up, I’m uncomfortable/sad/something not good. I go back to bed. I sleep, I wake up.

🎶 It’s a hard knock life for us. It’s a hard knock life for us. Instead of treated we get tricked. ‘stead a kisses we get kicked 🎶

All day the last two days, it was really difficult for me to get out of, and stay out of, bed … I felt like I was slowly melting, disappearing, soon to become a silent screaming racket of nothingness. My stomach hurted, my head hurted. I had a little bit of the chills. I wondered if it was some kind of delayed reaction to the COVID vaccine? Am I suffering from alcohol withdrawals? Maybe I caught an intestinal/brain parasite, like that episode of 1000 Ways to Die. Suppose it is all in my head? … I am mentally unwell so I feel physically ill? Why can’t I get up? Get up!!! GET UP! (yelling at myself doesn’t work)

Then when I DO get up it’s like 2:00 am I have to find something to do, either working or creating or rearranging – Yesterday morning I cleaned the kitchen and took down two cupboard doors, something is wrong with the hinges and I don’t feel like putting in a work request for them to fix it. This morning I worked. Why do I have so much energy at two am?

Then sometimes in the evening/night time I get restless and I end up moving stuff, cause I gotta do something with all my pent up energy, or else I’ll explode!!! (I literally feel like I am going to explode) Last night I cleaned out the linen closet – when I rearrange items the boys get mad cause they can’t find anything and I can’t remember where I put stuff until I rediscover things during my next organizing frenzy. “Oh! That’s where that is! Now I’m gonna put it somewhere else and forget all about it again.”

Breaking News: We hired a Satanist! Strap in! The company’s on a fiery, fiery rollercoaster to hell.

BTW: Matt’s on a cleaning spree like he’s about to start some immaculate residential flossin’ service. He probably also has lots of unused energy.

Tue Aug 03:

DJ kicked the water 💦 bucket sometime last night or early this morning. When I came out around 2:00 am he was in the corner of the tank and he was in the same spot when I fed them this morning – I wasn’t gonna fall for his play-dead trick this time, but when he didn’t move to get his food, I knew it was over.

My longest surviving fish. RIP! I’m gonna miss his spaz-tastic moments when he runs around the tank like some invisible foe is chasing him – lol.

The first movie I plan to see in theatre is Don’t Breathe II. Matt already went to see Black Widow and he will be watching some other movie today.

I feel so shitty; just a general ickyness that won’t leave me alone. I didn’t even do my French lessons and I barely made it through the work day. I wondered several times, “Am I dying?”

Days like these remind me to be grateful for the flexibility I have with my work schedule … when sick but also especially when plagued with insomnia or Zacnaps. This weekend I’m gonna go get my stuff outta storage. One less bill to pay. Hooray!!!

Our CTO is hilarious – like a crazed koala 🙂 There’s only 150 days left in the year and my birthday is one of them 🙂

I hope you had/continue to have a hunky-dory day!

🎶 I can go anywhere. Take a look, it’s in a book. The Reading Rainbow 🎶

Mon Aug 02:

My supramarginal angular gyres hurt real bad.

I might have to take the day off tomorrow. Since waking, I feel like gum – chewed up, spat out, walked on till pieces of me are one with the sidewalk and the bottom of many shoes. Everything hurts so much, I might write a poem :)))))

I was hoping to finish tracing Stabroek Market pic but no luck.

Is it possible I may have eaten some T-virus infected vegetables? Am I turning into a zombie chicken cat?

I read an article recently, can’t remember where, about the importance of soft skills – and I was like, “wow!!! That’s me exactly. I’m what ever employer needs even if they don’t know it yet.” lol. The article reminded me of the Nkyinkyim “twisting/twisted” Adinkra tattoo on the back of my neck!

Wish me well!

Sun Aug 01:

Well, well, well! Welcome August!

Today was a long day, I’m sweaty and smelly. Shower ready. Been rearranging and cleaning now that I have more space.

I feel lighter, brighter. Kinda wish I was a little bit smarter. Nah. I’m smart enough yuh dun know 🙂

My work desk is all setup, Matt put it together for me yesterday.

I’m glad tomorrow is a holiday. Even when I don’t sleep I can’t sleep.

I have enough suit jackets, shoes and pants already – I don’t need to do any more clothes shopping, like ever. I style my clothes, my clothes don’t style me – you get me? I now officially have half a closet full of stuff – Sweet right! Gotta make sure it stays that way. No more shopping therapy – I’ll opt for art therapy instead. It’s easier on the wallet; although …

Speaking of wallet, I did celebrate my new found space with fast food – I ordered from Dré’s phone and broke my fast food promise but for good reason. Maybe not – technically I could have walked over to the mall and order the food but that would have taken away from my clean up time. However, it was a conscious decision to order, not an impulsive one. I’m mostly certain about that!

I go shower, drink some tea and go to bed feeling content with my head waaaaaaaaay above the clouds 🪐🛸

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