Journal Entry – Sun Oct 25

Is it Friday yet!

I hate when UE drivers text me, “I’ve arrived.” You’ve arrived where? In front of the building, in the lobby, at my door? What do you want me to do about your arrival? I don’t care that you arrive. I care that you deliver. When the app tells me you’ve delivered, I’ll know you’ve arrived! Gosh!!!

We have the highest number of reported COVID cases, over 1000. The numbers are up but when I look out in the mornings the highways are still busy as ever. The UN Global Cease fire seems to be going somewhere but I don’t know if all cease fire will end at the end of the year. Nov 16 is International Day of Tolerance

Although they do a great job of defining it, I don’t like the word tolerance, it makes me feel uneasy. If I am tolerating you then you are a nuisance. I don’t truly care to understand you and I probably don’t want to. Tolerate for me means “to put up with” and if I am putting up with you then I probably don’t respect you or see you on par with me. I’m nixing that word from my vocabulary, but keeping awesome (inside joke 🙂 )

The store ran out of my gummy bears so I bought this knockoff brand, Haribo Goldbears – Goldbears are not my gummy bears 😦 The package says … the happy world of Haribo but I’m so sad right now.

I like using separators cause they separate – There’ s the wide line, the short line and the dots – Watch, I’m gonna end up using the separator at the wrong time because I love it so much!

Well … I had the talk with André. I’m gonna send him all the points from our discussion in an email and schedule weekly check-ins – From now on, I’m gonna run this fucker like a project. Bottomline – EXCUSES WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED! I told him:

  • When the quadmester starts in November, you better be going to school (at 17, you don’t have a choice – you cannot sleep all day then read manga and watch anime and YouTube all night):
    • At this point, it isn’t even about your anxiety because they have virtual classes that you’ve never attended. 
    • You can keep your devices for now, but if you don’t go to school on the first day and every day, you don’t need them.
  • I don’t want to hear about how forgetful you are – I’m forgetful. Still, I remember to do things because I set alarms and put reminders in my calendar and put post-its where I can see them. All are triggers – You can do the same. Find what works for you and do it – No excuses!
  • I don’t want to hear about how you can’t write or how much effort it takes for you to write – There are lots of speech to text apps out there that can help you – No excuses!
  • Add events to your calendar to remember which days you take out the garbage and wash the dishes.
    • Don’t ignore your alarms. You can snooze it, but set your times and get your shit done.
    • You’re 17, not 2, and you have tools to help you. I don’t need to be chasing you – that’s very stressful for me.
  • When you turn 18, we can reevaluate and see what your next steps will be
  • Everyone recognizes how smart you are, but it means nothing if you don’t do anything with your brain.
    • Lots of people have mental illnesses. Look at me! I have a tonne of shit going on. You know this. You have the opportunity to figure this out now and minimize your struggle.
    • With the right combinations of meds and therapy, we function, we lead meaningful lives – Don’t you dare use your mental illness as a reason to give up and do nothing with your life.  
    • Accept help from people who can help you until you find what works because there is no magic. It’s all trial and error until you get it right and trial and error again when that right stops working. 
  • Don’t tell me that no one can help you when you are not putting in the effort to help yourself.
    • Last year when you said you didn’t like sitting in a classroom, Guidance got you a co-op that you agreed to go to, then you stopped.
    • Don’t tell me I didn’t help you when I’m the one who got you a therapist, and I’m the one who took you to a psychiatrist, and I’m the one who pushed to get you evaluated all those years ago.
  • As you get older, no one will accept your excuses. No one is going to feel sorry for you. No one will care – they will expect you to keep your word and do what you say.

Now I have to make sure I set a reminder to follow-up with him every week 🙂 I’m proud of myself because I didn’t compare him to Matt, not once. It was all about him and I used examples from my life.

When I talked to him, he was mostly silent, but I got agitated when he said no one can help him, and I was offended because he seems to be using his illness as a reason to coast. Fuck that! You can’t coast in this house! You’re working or you’re going to school! I hate all kinds of lazy and all kinds of self-pity. And don’t you fuckin’ try to tell me I don’t know what you’re going through. Douchebag! (I gave birth to a douchebag. Ugh! I feel dirty. I don’t want to imagine how a serial killer’s mom feels.)

Ok, I’m gonna go calm the fuck down! (holy crap it’s late)

Feature Photo Credit: @mskatherineq via Twenty20

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