Jul 9 to 11 – Journal Entry

Jul 9:

All I did was work. Yesterday, I apologized to my co-worker because he had an idea for a new product development – and I felt like I wasn’t supportive of the concept. In retrospect, I realized that I could be critical with my questions and comments when trying to understand or figure out the whats, whys and hows.  

After I got in touch with him and told him that it wasn’t my intent to appear to shit on his idea – he said he didn’t feel that way and thanked me for thinking about it and contacting him to say sorry.

Jul 10:

I took a few hours off work to go to the pet shop. I decided to buy a 65-gallon tank for DJ. It turns out they don’t deliver tanks. I will have to rent a vehicle that can hold the tank and the stand. DJ better live long cause by the time I buy all the parts for this tank, it will be about 1000$ – The larger tanks don’t come with all the parts, so I will have to buy a new filter and heater and display stuff for fish to hide. Maybe I will rent a U-Haul van for transport. 

I am also looking for storage space, I’m not too fond of clutter, but I am not ready to throw anything out, just need more space. There was a time when I would throw/give away things to make space then realize, weeks or months later that I needed that thing. lol. 

I keep bottles and cardboard egg cartons – I don’t know why. But … to be clear, I am not a hoarder. I can throw things out when I run out of space and everyone can move around freely.

So … earlier this week I made the appointment to chat with my doctor about my neck. She calls me 40 minutes late. Suppose I had a meeting or another appointment? I would have missed that call – I think they should give you a time range or tell you to reserve an hour, like when the cable guy has to come to your house. 

Then I talk to her. I tell her about the lump and the pain in my ear, also on the left side, when I swallow, and she says I should come in so she can see “it.” No shit, I could have told you that. So now I have to wait until Jul 21. Ugh! So I will probably continue worrying until the end of the month because I don’t think she will know what it is just by looking and feeling; I think I will need other tests.

Breast and ovarian cancers run in my family, and since I found out I have BRCA1 and did the surgeries to reduce my risk of getting that cancer, I have always felt like I am going to get, and die from, another kind of cancer and everyone will miss it. I was going through my mental checklist to make sure my estate, life insurance, etc. is in order, just in case. Facing my mortality isn’t so daunting, every time I do it, it becomes easier – Although, I wonder if it would still be easy for me to face, if I were told I only had “so long” to live.

I faced my mortality when they told my mom they couldn’t do anything else for her, all treatment options had failed. I faced my mortality when they told us she had about two weeks left to live. I revisited my mortality several times during the funeral preparation process. And more revisits since, like what if I don’t wake up from these preemptive strike BRCA surgeries – Well I survived 🙂 I’m alive! And I guess, like anything else, the subject of your mortality becomes easier with practice.

Anyway, that’s what I am dealing with right now. And I am trying not to Google anything which will likely make me worry more. Like last summer, when I went to Wonderland with the kids, we rode all the roller coaster. I got a headache halfway through the day – it was a scorcher that day BTW, and I thought I had developed a subdural hematoma because my brain was knocking about in my skull cause of all the roller coaster rides (I actually looked that up while I was waiting to ride another roller coaster).

Turns out it was just heat stroke … lol. I am telling you this because I am trying to keep things in perspective, recognizing that my imagination will run wild and end up at the worst-case scenario when it comes to my health. However, I can be optimistic about everything else, including world peace and ending climate change. Isn’t that strange?    

Jul 11:

This morning I cleaned the fridge, roasted cauliflower and fried smoked herring with garlic and onions. My daughter made french toast. – That was our lunch.

I feel like the heat is driving me mad. I spend my days sweating buckets and worrying about this lump/bump (is a lump and a bump the same thing?). Earlier this week, I was trying to decide whether to contact my doctor or use the Maple app. Since I wasn’t delighted with the interaction I had with my doctor, I decided to go through with Maple https://www.getmaple.ca/

I first learned about Maple, maybe a year ago, while doing some work-related research, but didn’t bother to use it because you have to pay for the services. It is not covered by OHIP. So I spend my one time 80 bucks to see a Physician/NP … (price went up cause it is weekend, I was upset with myself for waiting because I could have done it during the week.)

The convo started via text. I had to consent to the use of video. I tell him about the pain in my ear and the lump via video chat. He thinks the two issues are not related given the timing of when I first noticed the lump and when my ear pain started. He said I would need to go to my FP (Family Physician) and likely have to get an ultrasound to know what’s happening. 

I immediately started wishing to get my hands on a portable handheld ultrasound machine, connected to an app w/ AI capability, of course. 

The doctor prescribed meds for the ear issue, thinking there is some infection happening (drops and one week of antibiotics) – I thought only babies got ear infections. I was able to accept the prescriptions ordered and send them to the pharmacy of my choice through the app as well. AND, I received a text when the prescriptions were ready for pickup. I could have had them delivered but that was 3-5 days out. I can fax the info from the consultation to my FP. The app keeps a record of all appointments.

I enjoyed my experience with Maple – After signing up, it told me it was finding a doc, it indicated when the doc was reviewing the questionnaire, I filled out. Within five minutes of answering the preliminary questions, I was talking to a doctor. 

You can see a Dermatologist, Psychologist, Naturopath, and I think I even saw Life Coach. Pricing is transparent. I have one account, but if I wanted a consultation for one of the boys, that is easy – I just have to pick if the appointment is for me or someone else.

It was raining when I went out to pick up my prescription – didn’t feel any cooler though. Standing at the lights, I could feel the beads of sweat running down my back. There was some drama at the liquor and grocery stores – They are not allowing people to enter without a mask.

I finished the day watching Old Guard. My daughter joined me for Our House – We snacked on thinly sliced cucumbers and German salami. I asked “Do you think I will find someone to watch five movies in a row with me?” “I don’t think so!” We laughed. Tomorrow we plan to watch Tomb Raider (2018)

Our AC is on backorder – If the heat doesn’t kill me, cancer or this ear infection might! lol (my humour is dark sometimes, but that’s alright – once I am still laughing!) I think my Caribbean cruise is back on for Nov 2020 but I have been ignoring Whatsapp messages from my girlfriend – when she starts calling or using SMS to get in touch, I will know it is urgent! 🙂

Feature Photo Credit: David Mark from Pixabay

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