It’s a warm hump day!
I am off work for the rest of the week. Been battling insomnia for a while now, and Tuesday morning I woke up around 3:00 am with the worst headache in recent memory.
They tell you in CBT-I not to lie in bed for more than twenty minutes. I finally got up at 5-ish. I tried really hard to go back to sleep! Went to work for half-day, and I thought with no client meetings, this was a good week to vacate.
It’s 11:00 am EST, and I figured, why not post and why not post early?
At the end of the month, Paperjam is having its 20th zine fair at the Tranzac Club. Yesterday I wanted to stop by the zine shop, but instead, I came home to pizza, wings and conversations with Jesus.
Network Theory Reflection
If the enemy of my enemy is my friend,
Ugh! Social math!
then what is the enemy of my friend’s enemy — Friend, Foe, Standoffish?
When our common adversary is gone, (although, they might not be gone, just regrouping) is my old enemy still an ally? I would hope so.
It’s best if we remove the circular logic since I cannot keep track beyond a triangle. If we are all friends then we won’t need any geometry.
Then again, the friend of my friend may not be my friend. (heavy sigh).
Common interest should keep us close, yes? But wait… aren’t we supposed to keep our enemies closer than our friends?
In that case, let’s all be enemies. (or, from a high school perspective, maybe it’s best we all be standoffish.)
I had a few friends, but I doubt anyone would consider me popular in middle or high school. The end-of-year-book signing was so stressful because I never knew who to ask. The urge to get a copy of my yearbooks just appeared, but now it’s gone.
As far as I remember, I wasn’t part of any groups, never ran for anything. Even in university, I went to school and came home – mind you, I also had Dee to pick up from daycare most times.
I never studied in any groups – to this day, I can’t study with people, or talk with them for that matter; It’s too noisy. What you think you know about a subject will get into my head and confuse me.
And since I was never part of a group, all my resumes that mention teamwork are lies.
It’s easy for me to work with/talk to one other person, but any more than that, it’s so stressful, even in casual conversations. I don’t know when I’m supposed to jump in and say something.
It’s hard for me to tell the difference between when you’re quiet because you’re thinking (unless you make the thinking face) and when you’re quiet because you’re done.
I don’t know.
I’ve picked up on some cues with groups over the years, but I remain socially awkward. Forget about networking; all that stuff is for people who love gatherings.
In those settings, I’m so nervous that if I say anything, it’s never in context. I’ll just blurt out whatever’s in my head. For example, I’m listening to people chat about something that is not related to birds or idioms, but a word might trigger a thought:
… yeah! Also, I don’t understand the term “birds of a feather”. I know what it’s supposed to mean, but the term itself does not make sense — it’s impossible for a bunch of birds to have only one feather.
If they did, that may indicate abuse for domestic birds or disease for wild ones but it’s possible this lone feather is magical, which means, for migrating birds, the feather turns into an aeroplane.
And I guess, the keeper of the feather would be the most popular bird, right!? Perhaps the saying should be: Birds of feathers with similar plumage flock together. IDK.
Socially awkward sam
Then they all look at me like, WTF and continue talking (the people and the birds).
Or sometimes I will ask a question, and the answer will tell me they don’t get what I mean, usually because I’m making a connection I didn’t explain before posing the question.
So yes, I still need to work on my oral communication skills. Well, all my communication skills, because it also happens with emails. I’ll read the response and be like, WTF. Then I scroll down and look at what I sent, and have an “Oh!” moment.
And often, too, there are things I should say that I never do. Then I will spend the rest of the day ruminating on why I didn’t say it, what I would say if I were to say it, the tone I’d say it in, and all the possible what-ifs of supposing I said it.
I also need to work on, or work off, my overthinking skills.
It seems everyone else around me instinctively understands the geometry and hierarchy of social networks.
Meanwhile, I’m still standing there wondering which bird has the feather.
Then, in walks Jesus and all hell breaks loose!
Happy Sping-like Hump Day!
Wed Mar 4
Image by Andreas Hoja from Pixabay
© 2026 Ociola Samantha Williams. All Rights Reserved.
