On a sunny afternoon stroll with Lee, my current dog of a boyfriend. We get into another quiet argument about his infidelity.
“Three months in, and now you’re telling me you don’t think monogamy suits you! Not that I couldn’t tell. Jesus Christ! You’re 62! You could have mentioned that on Hinge!”
He stammers, “Sorry, I just figured …”
“What? You just figured you would lie!? And by the way …” Suddenly, I was distracted by chatter from a long line of women across the street and a banner that read,
“… Come, Lee, Let’s go see.”
Ignoring the protest, I push past the women at the front of the line.
“Hey! Wait your turn.”
“No fair! You already have your King!” I turn to the young lady, “No! I don’t. You can have him!” Then I roll my eyes at Lee while he smiles at the young lady.
The expansive store is overflowing with activity – Women and mattresses of all shapes and sizes. I consider with glee,
Yowza!
A matching King! Yippee!
No more dating apps for me.
Maybe I’ll buy two or three!
Hmm, where is Lee?
Makes no never mind to me!
I lie down next to strangers. All of us looking for the perfect fit. Too hard, no give – he might be obstinate.
I stand and look around the store. The air is thick with the sweaty frustration of indecisiveness. Where to next? Brushing my hand along a simple, ribbed mattress, I wait my turn to lie down. Too spongy, he might be overly sensitive. Ugh! Can you imagine me with a man baby!
The lady lying next to me mumbles, “Too many options, I’ve been here for hours and I just can’t decide.” I look at her and reply, “It would be helpful if the store was organized by type.”
I continue browsing, running my hand along the side of each mattress and soon I feel a luxurious fabric … He might be filthy rich. Or … a narcissist!
A bedraggled woman nearby yells, “Please! Can someone pick a mattress for me?” Now, I’m having second thoughts, Where’s Lee? Is this the right place for me? Absentmindedly, I sense another mattress. Ugh, this one’s too flowery, my guy might be a fairy.
Oooh, finally a California king, with the right fabric and medium-firm spring. Hopefully, my man is tall, but he’d better not be thin.
I admire my first purchase and look at the receipt:
No refunds. No exchanges.
Your King and mattress arrive in one week.
If you experience buyer’s remorse
there is
The International Resale Market
for Slightly Used Kings, Subpar Boyfriends and Such Things.
Feature image by DALL-E
© 2024 Samantha Williams. All Rights Reserved.
